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#1
03-16-2009, 01:10 PM
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One for St. Paddy's Day
One day an Irishman, who had been stranded on a deserted
> island for over 10 > years, saw a speck on the horizon. > He thought to himself, "It's certainly not a > ship" > > As the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out > even the > possibilities of a small boat or a raft. > > Suddenly there strode from the surf a figure clad in a > black wet suit. > Putting aside the scuba tanks and mask and zipping down the > top of the wet > suit stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde! > > She walked up to the stunned Irishman and said to him, > "Tell me, how long > has it been since you've had a good cigar?" > > "Ten years," replied the amazed Irishman. > > With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproof > pocket on the left > sleeve of her wet suit and pulled out a fresh package of > cigars and a > lighter. > > He took a cigar, slowly lit it, and took a long drag. > "Faith and begorrah," > said the castaway, "that is so good! I'd almost > forgotten how great a smoke > can be!" > > "And how long has it been since you've had a drop > of good Bushmill's Irish > Whiskey?" asked the blonde. > > Trembling, the castaway replied, "Ten years." > > Hearing that, the blonde reached over to her right sleeve, > unzipped a pocket > there and removed a flask and handed it to him. > > He opened the flask and took a long drink. " 'Tis > nectar of the gods!" > shouted the Irishman. " 'Tis truly > fantastic!!!" > > At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip > the long front of > her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the > trembling man and > asked, "And how long has it been since you played > around?" > > With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and > sobbed, "Jesus, > Mary and Joseph! Don't tell me that you've got golf > clubs in there too!"
__________________
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things. 
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#2
03-16-2009, 01:45 PM
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Quote:
Classic! 
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#3
03-16-2009, 03:00 PM
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6 affairs
>> The 1st Affair >> >> A married man was having an affair >> with his secretary. >> >> One day they went to her place >> and made love all afternoon. >> >> Exhausted, they fell asleep >> and woke up at 8 PM. >> >> The man hurriedly dressed >> and told his lover to take his shoes >> outside and rub them in the grass and dirt. >> >> He put on his shoes and drove home. >> >> 'Where have you been?' his wife demanded. >> >> 'I can't lie to you,' he replied, >> 'I'm having an affair with my secretary. >> We had sex all afternoon.' >> >> She looked down at his shoes and said: >> >> 'You lying bastard! >> You've been playing golf!' >> >> >> >> >> >> The 2nd Affair >> >> A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always >> talked about having >> a son. >> >> They decided to try one last time >> for the son they always wanted. >> >> The wife got pregnant >> and delivered a healthy baby boy. >> >> The joyful father rushed to the nursery >> to see his new son. >> >> He was horrified at the ugliest child >> he had ever seen. >> >> He told his wife: 'There's no way I can >> be the father of this baby. >> Look at the two bea utiful daughters I fathered! >> Have you been fooling around behind my back?' >> >> The wife smiled sweetly and replied: >> 'No, not this time!' >> >> >> >> >> The 3rd Affair >> >> A mortician was working late one night. >> >> He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, >> about to be cremated, >> and made a startling discovery. >> Schwartz had the largest private part >> he had ever seen! >> >> 'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician >> commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated with >> such an impressive private part. It must be saved for >> posterity.' >> >> So, he removed it, >> stuffed it into his briefcase, >> and took it home. >> >> 'I have something to show >> you won't believe,' he said to his wife, >> opening his briefcase. >> >> 'My God!' the wife exclaimed, >> 'Schwartz is dead!' >> >> >> >> >> The 4th Affair >> >> A woman was in bed with her lover >> when she heard her husband >> opening the front door. >> >> 'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.' >> >> She rubbed baby oil all over him, >> then dusted him with talcum powder. >> >> 'Don't move until I tell you,' >> she said. 'Pretend you're a statue.' >> >> 'What's this?' the husband inquired >> as he entered the room. >> >> 'Oh it's a statue,' she replied. >> 'The Smiths bought one and I liked it >> so I got one for us, too.' >> >> No more was said, >> not even when they went to bed. >> >> Around 2 AM the husband got up, >> went to the kitchen and returned >> with a sandwich and a beer. >> >> 'Here,' he said to the statue, have this. >> I stood like that for two days at the Smiths >> and nobody offered me a damned thing.' >> >> >> >> >> The 5th Affair >> >> A man walked into a cafe, >> went to the bar and ordered a beer. >> >> 'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.' >> >> 'One Cent?' the man exclaimed. >> >> He glanced at the menu and asked: >> 'How much for a nice juicy steak >> and a bottle of wine?' >> >> 'A nickel,' the barman replied. >> >> 'A nickel?' exclaimed the ma n. >> 'Where's the guy who owns this place?' >> >> The bartender replied: >> 'Upstairs, with my wife.' >> >> The man asked: 'What's he doing upstairs >> with your wife?' >> >> The bartender replied: >> 'The same thing I'm doing >> to his business down here.' >> >> >> >> >> The 6th Affair >> >> Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside. >> >> He looked up and said weakly: >> 'I have something I must confess.' >> >> 'There's no need to, 'his wife replied. >> >> 'No,' he insisted, >> 'I want to die in peace. >> I slept with your sister, your best friend, >> her best friend, and your mother!' >> >> 'I know,' she replied. >> 'Now just rest and let the poison work.'
__________________
please use generalizations and non-truths when arguing your side, thank you
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#5
03-16-2009, 04:51 PM
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#8
03-17-2009, 11:47 AM
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oddly....I was thinking the same thing! 
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#9
03-16-2009, 07:03 PM
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guy comes home and his wife says ' your boss just called and said your fired'.
the guy says 'phuck him!!....wife says 'i did you start back monday!!!' 
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