Credit Card Outrage

[AeWingnut]

Wed Aug 13, 5:54 PM ET

Oconomowoc (Reuters) - Local resident Jeff Thomas has reneged on his promise to relinquish his left nut following sexual intercourse with area student and cheerleader, Cassie Lundquist.

The left nut belonging to Thomas was offered in exchange for sexual relations with Lunquist during a conversation with best friend, James Donahue, who was hosting a weekend party at his parents' house.

"I'd give my left nut to bang Cassie, she's so hot." Several nearby partygoers recall Thomas' statement and subsequent actions that eventually led to sexual relations between Thomas and Lundquist.

"Cass was totally wasted, and farthead [Thomas] took advantage of her. I heard what you said, Jeff. Time to pay up, One-nut!" said Linsey Rogers, friend and co-cheerleader to Lundquist. Many sympathetic to Lundquist have preemptively adopted the nickname of 'One-nut' for Thomas in anticipation for Thomas' left-nut redemption.

"I'll rip it off myself if I have to", stated Brad Lundquist, Cassie Lundquist's older brother and freshman psychology major at the University of Minnesota. "After what that f*cker One-nut did to Cass, he's [going to] feel pain."

Thomas has replied with consternation to his detractors. "Hell, I say **** like that all the time. It's just something you say." While still in possesion of both testicles, Lundquist's supporters anticipate swift compensation for what is viewed as gross manipulation on the part of Thomas.

"I totally can't believe I slept with him. What was I thinking?" asked Lundquist, who expressed dismay at the decision to engage in intercourse with Thomas. "I don't know, I guess I was so drunk I wasn't thinking. I don't even remember how it happened. I feel so gross!"

Thomas and Lundquist have not spoken since the evening they engaged in intercourse, Lundquist said.

Regarding a specific date for the removal of his left nut, Thomas declined to comment.