Joke of the Day

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Teachers

http://www.sites4teachers.com/links/...letCartoon.JPG

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Aspiring Psychiatrists

The aspiring psychiatrists from various colleges were attending their first
class on emotional extremes.

"Just to establish some parameters," said the professor, to the student
from the University of Houston, "What is the opposite of joy?"

"Sadness," said the student.

"And the opposite of depression?" he asked of the young lady from Rice.

"Elation," said she.

"And you sir," he said to the young man from Texas A&M, "How about the
opposite of woe?"

The Aggie replied, "Sir, I believe that would be giddy-up."

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How to Tell if your Christmas Party is a Success


With the Holiday Season upon us it is important to
understand how much our parties are appreciated. Please use
the listing below as reference.

Gauging the level of your New Years Party

Festivity Level 1: Your guests are chatting amiably with
each other, admiring your Christmas tree ornaments, singing
carols around the upright piano, sipping at their drinks and
nibbling hors d'oeuvres.

Festivity Level 2: Your guests are talking loudly --
sometimes to each other, and sometimes to nobody at all,
rearranging your Christmas tree ornaments, singing "I Gotta
Be Me" around the upright piano, gulping their drinks and
wolfing down hors d'oeuvres.

Festivity Level 3: Your guests are arguing violently with
inanimate objects, singing "I can't get no satisfaction,"
gulping down other peoples' drinks, wolfing down Christmas
tree ornaments and placing hors d'oeuvres in the upright
piano to see what happens when the little hammers strike.

Festivity Level 4: Your guests, hors d'oeuvre smeared all
over their naked bodies are performing a ritual dance around
the burning Christmas tree. The piano is missing.

You want to keep your party somewhere around level 3, unless
you rent your home and own firearms, in which case you can go
to level 4. The best way to get to level 3 is lots of
egg-nog.

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We Need A New Clock
Just after I got married, I was invited out for a night with the boys. I told the misses that I would be home by midnight... promise! Well, the yarns were being spun and the grog was going down easy, and at around 3 a.m. full as a boot, I went home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock started, and cuckooed 3 times. I realized she'd probably wake up, so I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself, considering my drunken state, to have escaped a possible conflict.

The next morning, the misses asked me what time I got in, so I told her 12 o'clock. Whew! Got away with that one! She then said that we needed a new cuckoo clock. When I asked her why, she explained, "Well, it cuckooed 3 times, said 'dang it,' cuckooed another 4 times, farted, cuckooed another 3 times, cleared its throat, cuckooed twice, then giggled."

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From SNL...
http://snltranscripts.jt.org/75/75qnessen.phtml

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Mort Sahl quotes:

MEL GIBSON "A perfect example of how you can go wrong if you love your parents."
COSMETICS "There's so much Botox around now that you can't tell when a Jewish girl is angry."
COLIN POWELL (after a traffic accident) "I told the driver not to take the turnpike, but I had no influence."
MICHAEL EISNER "Say what you will, he made the monorail run on time."
SEAN HANNITY "Isn't it possible for them to get a real fascist instead of this guy who plays one on TV?"
DIANE SAWYER "If you're really having a run of bad luck, she walks with you in a field."
COMEDY "It has changed. It isn't funny anymore."
COMEDIANS "They want to wear their AIDS buttons to the Academy Awards to make sure Norman Lear can hire them."
PRESIDENT BUSH "He's the face on the can. But who canned that soup?"
LIBERALS "God is watching us. If we support someone we don't believe in and say he's electable, then God will make sure he's not elected and hope we do better the next time."

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Headlines 2029

Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia, formerly known as California . White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia's third language.


Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock.


Baby conceived naturally. Scientists stumped.


Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.

Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the American Territory of the Middle East (formerly known as Iraq , Afghanistan , Syria and Lebanon ).


Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

France pleads for global help after being taken over by Jamaica .


Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.


George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.


Postal Service raise s price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.


85-year $75.8 billion study: Diet and Exercise is the key to weight loss.


Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.


Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed, they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.


Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.


Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals, violates their civil rights.


Average height of NBA players is now nine feet, seven inches.

New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2036.


Congress authorizes direct deposit of formerly illegal political contributions to campaign accounts.


IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.