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#2
12-20-2006, 11:39 AM
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Quote:
__________________
I'm like evil, I get under your skin Just like a bomb that's ready to blow 'Cause I'm illegal, I got everything That all you women might need to know 
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#3
12-20-2006, 11:41 AM
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Quote:
plus girls are mostly right and boys are mostly wrong 
__________________
 Seek respect, not attention.
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#4
12-20-2006, 11:46 AM
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Quote:
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#5
12-20-2006, 01:07 PM
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Quote:
__________________
http://www.facebook.com/cajungator26
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#6
12-20-2006, 02:03 PM
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What Do You Do At Christmas?
A teacher, Mrs. Jones, asked each of her students how they celebrated Christmas. She called first on young Patrick Murphy. "Tell me, Patrick, what do you do at Christmas time?" Patrick addressed the class "Me and my twelve brothers and sister go to midnight Mass and we sing hymns. Then we come home very late and we put mince pies by the back door and hang up our stockings. Then we go to bed and wait for Father Christmas to come with all our toys." "Very nice, Patrick," she said. "Now, Jimmy Brown, what do you do at Christmas?" "Me and my sister also go to church with Mum and Dad, and we sing carols. When we get home, we put cookies and milk by the chimney and hang up our stockings. We hardly sleep waiting for Santa Claus to bring our presents." "That's also very nice, Jimmy," she said. Realizing that there was a Jewish boy in the class and not wanting to leave him out of the discussion, she asked him the same question. "Now, Isaac Cohen, what do you do at Christmas?" "Well, we also sing carols," Isaac responded. Surprised, Mrs. Jones questioned further. "Tell us what you sing." "Well, it's the same thing every year. Dad comes home from the office. We all pile into the Rolls Royce and drive to his toy factory. When we get inside, we look at all the empty shelves and sing, "What a friend we have in Jesus." Then we all go to the Bahamas for 2 weeks.
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#7
12-21-2006, 01:15 PM
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More quotes by "Guess Who?"
"We spent a lot of time talking about Africa, as we should. Africa is a nation that suffers from incredible disease." - June 14, 2001, Press Conference "Anyway, I'm so thankful, and so gracious - I'm gracious that my brother Jeb is concerned about the hemisphere as well." - June 4, 2001 "There's no question that the minute I got elected, the storm clouds on the horizon were getting nearly directly overhead." - May 11, 2001 "You teach a child to read, and he or her will be able to pass a literacy test.'' - February 21, 2001 "I am mindful not only of preserving executive powers for myself, but for predecessors as well." - Jan. 29, 2001.
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#8
12-21-2006, 02:41 PM
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December 1st
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue. There will be lots of spiked eggnog and a small band playing traditional carols ... feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus to light the Christmas tree! Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10. Merry Christmas to you and your family. Patty Lewis - Human Resources Director December 2nd TO: ALL EMPLOYEES In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday that often coincides with Christmas (though unfortunately not this year). However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to employees who are celebrating Kwanzaa at this time. There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols sung. Happy Holidays to you and your family. Patty Lewis - Human Resources Director December 3rd TO: ALL EMPLOYEES Regarding the anonymous note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, I'm happy to accommodate this request, but, don't forget, if I put a sign on the table that reads, "AA Only," you won't be anonymous anymore. In addition, forget about the gifts exchange-no gifts will be allowed since the union members feel that $10 is too much money. Patty Lewis - Human Researchers Director December 7th TO: ALL EMPLOYEES I've arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women closest to the restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with the gay men; each will have their table. Yes, there will be a flower arrangement for the gay men's table. Happy now? Patty Lewis - Human Racehorses Director December 9th TO: ALL EMPLOYEES People, people-nothing sinister was intended by wanting our CEO to play Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of "Santa" does happen to be "Satan," there is no evil connotation to our own "little man in a red suit." Patty Lewis - Human Ratraces December 10th TO: ALL EMPLOYEES Vegetarians-I've had it with you people!! We're going to hold this party at Luigi's Open Pit whether you like it or not, you can just sit at the table farthest from the "grill of death," as you put it, and you'll get salad bar only, including hydroponic tomatoes. But, you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them right now. Ha! I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk and die, you hear me? The Bitch from Hell! December 14th TO: ALL EMPLOYEES I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery from her stress-related illness. I'll continue to forward your cards to her at the sanitarium. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay. Terri Bishop - Acting Human Resources Director
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#9
12-21-2006, 02:44 PM
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Dear Santa: I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. Iv ben a gud boy
all yeer. Yer Frend, BiLLy Dear Billy, Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawn care. How about I send you a frigging book called a dictionary so you can learn to read and write? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell! Santa ------------------------------------------------------------------ Dear Santa: I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is Peace and Joy in the world for everybody! Love, Sarah Dear Sarah, Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they? Santa ------------------------------------------------------------------ Dear Santa: I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas I'd like for my Mommy and Daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do. Love, Teddy Dear Teddy, Look, your dad's banging the baby-sitter like a screen door in a hurricane. Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to your frigid mom, who rides his ass constantly? It's time to give up that dream. Let me get you some nice Legos instead. Santa ------------------------------------------------------------------ Dear Santa: I want a new bike, a Playstation, a train, some G.I. Joe's, a dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba. Love, Francis Dear Francis, Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays? I bet you're gay. Santa ------------------------------------------------------------------ Dear Santa: I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the back door. Love, Susan Dear Susan, Milk gives me the runs, and carrots make the deer fart in my face when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Leave me a bottle of scotch. Santa ----------------------------------------------------------------- Dear Santa: What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making toys? Your friend, Thomas Dear Thomas, All the toys are made in China. I have a condo in Vegas, where I spend most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by drinking myself silly and squeezing the asses of ****tail waitresses while losing money at the craps table. Hey, you wanted to know. Santa ------------------------------------------------------------------ Dear Santa: Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake, like in the song? Love, Jessica Dear Jessica, Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do. I'm skipping your house. Santa ------------------------------------------------------------------ Dear Santa: I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please PLEASE PLEASE could I have one? Timmy Timmy, That whiney begging **** may work with your folks, but that crap doesn't work with me. You're getting a sweater again! Santa ------------------------------------------------------------------ Dearest Santa: We don't have a chimney in our house so how do you get in? Love, Marky Mark, First, stop calling yourself "Marky"! That's why you're getting your ass whipped at school. Second, you don't live in a house, you live in a low-rent apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like all the burglars do, through your bedroom window. Sweet Dreams, Santa
__________________
http://www.facebook.com/cajungator26
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#10
12-21-2006, 03:58 PM
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Three Wise Men...
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. "In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven." The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle," he said. "You may pass through the pearly gates," Saint Peter said. The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells." Saint Peter said, "You may pass through the pearly gates." The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's glasses. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?" The man replied, "They're Carol's."
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