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  #241  
Old 02-13-2007, 10:16 AM
paisjpq's Avatar
paisjpq paisjpq is offline
top predator.
 
Join Date: May 2006
Posts: 5,020
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that's funny...cause you can get some very similar Vermont limited edition barbies

>Limited Edition Vermont Barbie
>
>
>Mattel recently announced the release of Limited Edition Barbie Dolls
>for the Vermont Market:
>
>Williston Barbie
>This princess Barbie is only sold at exclusive Williston stores. She
>comes with an assortment of Kate Spade Handbags, a Lexus SUV, a
>long-haired foreign dog named Honey and a cookie cutter house. Available
>with or without tummy tuck and face lift. Workaholic Ken sold only in
>conjunction with "augmented" version.
>
>South Burlington Barbie
>This modern day homemaker Barbie is available with Ford Windstar Minivan
>and matching gym outfit. She gets lost easily and has no full time
>occupation or secondary education. Traffic jamming cell phone sold
>separately.
>
>Old North End Barbie
>This recently paroled Barbie comes with a 9mm handgun, a Ray Lewis
>knife, a Chevy with dark tinted windows and a Meth Lab Kit. This model
>is only available after dark and can only be paid for in cash.
>Preferably small, untraceable bills. Unless you are a cop, then we don't
>know what you are talking about.
>
>Essex / Shelburne Barbie
>This yuppie Barbie comes with your choice of BMW convertible or Hummer
>h3. Included are her own Starbucks cup, credit card and country club
>membership. Also available for this set are Shallow Ken and Private
>School Skipper. You won't be able to afford any of them.
>
>Milton Barbie
>This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans two sizes too
>small, a NASCAR shirt and tweety bird tattoo on her shoulder. She has a
>six pack of Coors light and a Hank Williams, Jr. CD set. She can spit
>over 5 feet and kick mullet-haired Ken's butt when she's drunk. Purchase
>her pickup truck separately and get a confederate flag bumper sticker
>absolutely free.
>
>Stowe Barbie
>This collagen injected, rhinoplastic Barbie wears a leopard print ski
>outfit and drinks Cosmopolitans while entertaining friends at the lodge.
>Optional Percocet prescription available.
>
>Barton Barbie
>This tobacco chewing, brassy haired Barbie has a pair of her own
>high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased
>Beer-Gutted Ken out of Hardwick Barbie's house. Her ensemble includes
>low rise acid washed jeans, fake finger nails, and a see through halter
>top. Also available with a mobile home and 8-track tape player.
>
>Montpelier Barbie
>This doll is made of actual tofu. She has long straight brown hair,
>arch-less feet, hairy armpits, no makeup and Birkenstocks with white
>socks. She prefers that you call her "Willow". She does not want or need
>a Ken doll, but if you purchase two Montpelier Barbies and the optional
>Subaru wagon, you get a rainbow flag sticker for free.
>
>Richmond Barbie
>This Barbie comes with her own mountain bike. Available with SUV,
>complete with Kayak on the roof and dog in the back. Optional Ken doll
>also comes with his own mountain bike and dog.
>
>Barre Barbie
>This Barbie is only 14 and comes with a stroller and infant doll.
>Optional accessories include a GED and bus pass. Gangsta Ken and his '79
>Caddy were available, but are now very difficult to find since the
>addition of the infant.
__________________
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  #242  
Old 02-25-2007, 12:06 PM
Downthestretch55 Downthestretch55 is offline
Hialeah Park
 
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Stamford, NY
Posts: 4,618
Default

Time to bring this thread back up for the "newbies".
Today it won't be about Judge Larry. His antics have been funny enough.
I was thinking about one for Anna Nicole. Boob rot doesn't seem worthwhile.
Just put her in the ground already!
Yet, somehow, death can be laughed at, so I'll put this one out.
Also, "newbies"...add your own.

"Dead Penis"

An old man, Mr. Smith, resided in a nursing home.

One day he went into the nurses' office and informed Nurse Jones his penis died. Nurse Jones, realizing that Mr. Smith was old and forgetful, decided To play along with him. "It did? I'm sorry to hear that," she replied.

Two days later, Mr. Smith was walking down the halls at the nursing home with his penis hanging outside his pants. Nurse Jones saw him and said, "Mr. Smith, I thought you told me your penis died."

"It did," he said. "Today is the viewing."
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  #243  
Old 02-25-2007, 02:13 PM
MajestikMX
 
Posts: n/a
Smile

Quote:
Originally Posted by paisjpq
that's funny...cause you can get some very similar Vermont limited edition barbies

>Limited Edition Vermont Barbie
>
>
>Mattel recently announced the release of Limited Edition Barbie Dolls
>for the Vermont Market:
>
>Williston Barbie
>This princess Barbie is only sold at exclusive Williston stores. She
>comes with an assortment of Kate Spade Handbags, a Lexus SUV, a
>long-haired foreign dog named Honey and a cookie cutter house. Available
>with or without tummy tuck and face lift. Workaholic Ken sold only in
>conjunction with "augmented" version.
>
>South Burlington Barbie
>This modern day homemaker Barbie is available with Ford Windstar Minivan
>and matching gym outfit. She gets lost easily and has no full time
>occupation or secondary education. Traffic jamming cell phone sold
>separately.
>
>Old North End Barbie
>This recently paroled Barbie comes with a 9mm handgun, a Ray Lewis
>knife, a Chevy with dark tinted windows and a Meth Lab Kit. This model
>is only available after dark and can only be paid for in cash.
>Preferably small, untraceable bills. Unless you are a cop, then we don't
>know what you are talking about.
>
>Essex / Shelburne Barbie
>This yuppie Barbie comes with your choice of BMW convertible or Hummer
>h3. Included are her own Starbucks cup, credit card and country club
>membership. Also available for this set are Shallow Ken and Private
>School Skipper. You won't be able to afford any of them.
>
>Milton Barbie
>This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans two sizes too
>small, a NASCAR shirt and tweety bird tattoo on her shoulder. She has a
>six pack of Coors light and a Hank Williams, Jr. CD set. She can spit
>over 5 feet and kick mullet-haired Ken's butt when she's drunk. Purchase
>her pickup truck separately and get a confederate flag bumper sticker
>absolutely free.
>
>Stowe Barbie
>This collagen injected, rhinoplastic Barbie wears a leopard print ski
>outfit and drinks Cosmopolitans while entertaining friends at the lodge.
>Optional Percocet prescription available.
>
>Barton Barbie
>This tobacco chewing, brassy haired Barbie has a pair of her own
>high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased
>Beer-Gutted Ken out of Hardwick Barbie's house. Her ensemble includes
>low rise acid washed jeans, fake finger nails, and a see through halter
>top. Also available with a mobile home and 8-track tape player.
>
>Montpelier Barbie
>This doll is made of actual tofu. She has long straight brown hair,
>arch-less feet, hairy armpits, no makeup and Birkenstocks with white
>socks. She prefers that you call her "Willow". She does not want or need
>a Ken doll, but if you purchase two Montpelier Barbies and the optional
>Subaru wagon, you get a rainbow flag sticker for free.
>
>Richmond Barbie
>This Barbie comes with her own mountain bike. Available with SUV,
>complete with Kayak on the roof and dog in the back. Optional Ken doll
>also comes with his own mountain bike and dog.
>
>Barre Barbie
>This Barbie is only 14 and comes with a stroller and infant doll.
>Optional accessories include a GED and bus pass. Gangsta Ken and his '79
>Caddy were available, but are now very difficult to find since the
>addition of the infant.

Is there a Bomoseen Barbie as well?
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  #244  
Old 02-25-2007, 07:03 PM
MaTH716's Avatar
MaTH716 MaTH716 is offline
Flemington
 
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Jersey
Posts: 11,437
Default 50 Years of Marriage

With a man soon to celebrate his 50th wedding
anniversary at the church's marriage marathon,

the minister asked Pete to take a few minutes and

share some insight into how he managed to maintain

his marriage with the same woman all these years.


The husband replied to the audience, "Well, I

treated her with respect, spent money on her, but

mostly I took her traveling on special occasions.


"The minister inquired "Trips to where?"
"For our 25th anniversary, I took her to Beijing, China.


"The minister then said, "What a terrific example you

are to all husbands, Pete. Please tell the audience what

you're going to do for your wife on your 50th anniversary?"



Pete: "I'm going to go get her."
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  #245  
Old 03-05-2007, 03:04 PM
Downthestretch55 Downthestretch55 is offline
Hialeah Park
 
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Stamford, NY
Posts: 4,618
Default

Samm's joke....

A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when

a masked robber ran out of a bank and shot her three times in

the stomach.

Luckily the babies were OK. The surgeon decided to leave the bullets in

because it wastoo risky to operate. She gave birth to two healthy daughters

and a healthy son.



All was fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked

into the room in tears. "What's wrong?" asked the mother.

"I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out,"

replied the daughter.The mother told her it was okay

and explained what happened 16 years ago.



About a week later the second daughter walked into

the room in tears. "Mom, I was taking a tinkle and this

bullet came out." Again the mother told her not to worry

and explained what happened 16 years ago.



A week later her son walked into the room in tears.

"It's okay" said the Mom, "I know what happened.

You were taking a tinkle and a bullet came out."

"No," said the boy, "I was playing with myself and I shot the dog."!
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  #246  
Old 03-06-2007, 06:25 PM
bigrun's Avatar
bigrun bigrun is offline
Del Mar
 
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: VA/PA/KY
Posts: 5,063
Default

This may have been posted before but if you haven't read it you will pee your pants..My all time favorite..

Texas Chili Cookoff


TEXAS CHILI TASTING
If you can read this whole story without laughing then there's no hope for you. I was crying by the end. Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better.

For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park. Judge #3 was an
inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL.

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted".


Here are the scorecard notes from the event:


CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI...

Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy s**t, what the h**l is this stuff? You could
remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put

the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.



CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI...

Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.

Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what
I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people

who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more

beer when they saw the look on my face.



CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI...

Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.

Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.

Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels
like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get
me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my
backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting s**t-faced from
all of the beer.



CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC...

Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish

or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable
to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the

beermaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-LB woman
is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is
chili an aphrodisiac?



CHILI # 5 LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...

Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must
admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I
can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me

needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that
her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding
by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if

I'm burning my lips off. It really p****s me off that the other judges
asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.



CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY...

Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
spices and peppers.

Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
garlic. Superb.

Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
sulfuric flames. I s**t on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will
eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand

behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe
my a** with a snow cone.



CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI...

Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried
about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing
uncontrollably.

Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I

wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds
like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which
slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my
shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've
decided to stop breathing it's too painful.
Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just

suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.



CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI...

Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too
bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild

nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted,
passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself.
Not sure if he's going to make it. poor feller, wonder how he'd have
reacted to really hot chili?

Judge # 3 - No Report
__________________
"If you lose the power to laugh, you lose the power to think" - Clarence Darrow, American lawyer (1857-1938)

When you are right, no one remembers;when you are wrong, no one forgets.

Thought for today.."No persons are more frequently wrong, than those who will not admit
they are wrong" - Francois, Duc de la Rochefoucauld, French moralist (1613-1680)
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  #247  
Old 03-08-2007, 03:13 PM
Downthestretch55 Downthestretch55 is offline
Hialeah Park
 
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Stamford, NY
Posts: 4,618
Default

Lesson On The Evils Of Liquor

A chemistry teacher wanted to teach his 9th grade class a lesson about the
evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of
water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms.

"Now, class, observe the worms closely," he said, putting a worm first into
the water. The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water
could be.

The second worm he put into the whiskey. It writhed painfully, and quickly
sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail.

"Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?" the teacher asked.

One of the students raised his hand and wisely, responded, "Drink whiskey
and you won't get worms."
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  #248  
Old 03-08-2007, 03:52 PM
GPK GPK is offline
5'8".. but all man!
 
Join Date: May 2006
Location: 3 miles from Chateuax de la Blaha
Posts: 21,706
Default

Never question a drunk....

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she
selected
>>A half-gallon of 2% milk,
>>A carton of eggs,
>>A quart of orange juice,
>>A head of romaine lettuce,
>>A 2 lb. bag of coffee,
>>And 1 lb. package of bacon.
>>
>>As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check
out, a
>>drunk
>>standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front
of the
>>cashier.
>>While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk
calmly
>>stated,
>>"You must be single."
>>
>>The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was

>>intrigued by
>>the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She
looked
>>at her six
>>items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about
her
>>selections
>>that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.
>>
>>Curiosity getting the better of her, she said: "Well, you know

>>what, you're
>>absolutely right. But how on earth did you know that?"
>>
>>The drunk replied, "'Cause you're ugly."
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