BREAKING NEWS: Pedro Martinez ruptures himself FARTING

[the_fat_man]

That's right. After a big meal, Pedro cut a fat one and gave himself a hernia. He'll be out another 6 weeks and joins Moises Alou, who also gave himself a hernia, in this case while urinating on his hands to harden them. At this rate, by the time he's 50, Alou might make it out of bed once a year. Yeah, it's tough out there when you're an athlete.

Let's face it, OFF season and PRE season conditioning can go so far. I mean, you can't pitch off the mound without pulling a hamstring and you certainly can't be expected to survive a fart. And, why in the world would you do a few crunches? Not like you're supposed to be in shape.

Where do these pussies come from? Is anybody in shape anymore?

[the_fat_man]

While we're on the topic of BIGTIME pussies, guess who got hurt again after 2 YEARS of inactivity? Yes, Mike Hampton; just about the only dude out there who can't comb his hair without hurting himself.

Here are the specs (from CNN):

"Hampton, scheduled to make his first start since Aug. 19, 2005, strained his left pectoral muscle while warming up in the bullpen before Atlanta's game against the Pittsburgh Pirates. He was seen grimacing after throwing a pitch."

OUCH, sounds brutal.

But it gets worse:

"Hampton has had other physical problems while trying to return after two elbow surgeries. He pitched only one inning in Mexico this winter before straining his hamstring when he slipped on the mound. He then strained his groin in the second inning of his second spring training game."

Damn, Mike, is there ANYTHING remotely physical you can do that you wouldn't STRAIN SOMETHING?