[philcski]

6 affairs

>> The 1st Affair
>>
>> A married man was having an affair
>> with his secretary.
>>
>> One day they went to her place
>> and made love all afternoon.
>>
>> Exhausted, they fell asleep
>> and woke up at 8 PM.
>>
>> The man hurriedly dressed
>> and told his lover to take his shoes
>> outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.
>>
>> He put on his shoes and drove home.
>>
>> 'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.
>>
>> 'I can't lie to you,' he replied,
>> 'I'm having an affair with my secretary.
>> We had sex all afternoon.'
>>
>> She looked down at his shoes and said:
>>
>> 'You lying bastard!
>> You've been playing golf!'
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>> The 2nd Affair
>>
>> A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always
>> talked about having
>> a son.
>>
>> They decided to try one last time
>> for the son they always wanted.
>>
>> The wife got pregnant
>> and delivered a healthy baby boy.
>>
>> The joyful father rushed to the nursery
>> to see his new son.
>>
>> He was horrified at the ugliest child
>> he had ever seen.
>>
>> He told his wife: 'There's no way I can
>> be the father of this baby.
>> Look at the two bea utiful daughters I fathered!
>> Have you been fooling around behind my back?'
>>
>> The wife smiled sweetly and replied:
>> 'No, not this time!'
>>
>>
>>
>>
>> The 3rd Affair
>>
>> A mortician was working late one night.
>>
>> He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz,
>> about to be cremated,
>> and made a startling discovery.
>> Schwartz had the largest private part
>> he had ever seen!
>>
>> 'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician
>> commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated with
>> such an impressive private part. It must be saved for
>> posterity.'
>>
>> So, he removed it,
>> stuffed it into his briefcase,
>> and took it home.
>>
>> 'I have something to show
>> you won't believe,' he said to his wife,
>> opening his briefcase.
>>
>> 'My God!' the wife exclaimed,
>> 'Schwartz is dead!'
>>
>>
>>
>>
>> The 4th Affair
>>
>> A woman was in bed with her lover
>> when she heard her husband
>> opening the front door.
>>
>> 'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.'
>>
>> She rubbed baby oil all over him,
>> then dusted him with talcum powder.
>>
>> 'Don't move until I tell you,'
>> she said. 'Pretend you're a statue.'
>>
>> 'What's this?' the husband inquired
>> as he entered the room.
>>
>> 'Oh it's a statue,' she replied.
>> 'The Smiths bought one and I liked it
>> so I got one for us, too.'
>>
>> No more was said,
>> not even when they went to bed.
>>
>> Around 2 AM the husband got up,
>> went to the kitchen and returned
>> with a sandwich and a beer.
>>
>> 'Here,' he said to the statue, have this.
>> I stood like that for two days at the Smiths
>> and nobody offered me a damned thing.'
>>
>>
>>
>>
>> The 5th Affair
>>
>> A man walked into a cafe,
>> went to the bar and ordered a beer.
>>
>> 'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.'
>>
>> 'One Cent?' the man exclaimed.
>>
>> He glanced at the menu and asked:
>> 'How much for a nice juicy steak
>> and a bottle of wine?'
>>
>> 'A nickel,' the barman replied.
>>
>> 'A nickel?' exclaimed the ma n.
>> 'Where's the guy who owns this place?'
>>
>> The bartender replied:
>> 'Upstairs, with my wife.'
>>
>> The man asked: 'What's he doing upstairs
>> with your wife?'
>>
>> The bartender replied:
>> 'The same thing I'm doing
>> to his business down here.'
>>
>>
>>
>>
>> The 6th Affair
>>
>> Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.
>>
>> He looked up and said weakly:
>> 'I have something I must confess.'
>>
>> 'There's no need to, 'his wife replied.
>>
>> 'No,' he insisted,
>> 'I want to die in peace.
>> I slept with your sister, your best friend,
>> her best friend, and your mother!'
>>
>> 'I know,' she replied.
>> 'Now just rest and let the poison work.'