For those of you who slept through World History 101 here is a
condensed version.
Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and
would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.
The two most important events in all of history were:
1. The invention of beer, and
2. The invention of the wheel.
The wheel was invented to get man to the beer, and the beer to
the man.
These facts formed the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct
subgroups:
1. Liberals
2. Conservatives.
Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the
beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were
invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to
be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were
formed.
Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to BBQ at
night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as
the Conservative movement.
Other men wh o were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned
to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly BBQ's and doing the
sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the
beginning of the Liberal movement.
Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The
rest became known as girlie-men.
Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication
of cats, the invention of group therapy and group hugs, the evolution of the
Hollywood actor, and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide
all the meat and beer that conservatives provided.
Over the years, Conservatives came to be symbolized by the
largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant.
Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.
Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most
prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their
beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare.
Another interesting evolutionary side note: most liberal women
have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal
injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are
liberals.
Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and still
provide for their women.
Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, firemen,
lumberjacks, construction workers, medical doctors, police officers, corporate
executives, athletes, golfers, and generally anyone who works productively.
Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a
living.
Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the
producers and decide what to do with the production.
Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans.
That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were
coming to America . They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a
business of trying to get more for nothing.
Here ends today's lesson in world history.
It should be noted that a liberal may have a momentary urge to
angrily respond to the above before forwarding it.
A conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the
absolute truth of this history that it will be forwarded immediately to other
true believers.
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