Ahh ... I see you didn't know ... that on Kentucky Derby day last year ... I was overseas on a secret mission ... dedicating myself to its success ... and succeeding brilliantly.

As a lifetime devotee of thoroughbred racing ... missing the Kentucky Derby like that was a great sacrifice on my part ... but ... I'm such a giving, caring, and genuinely noble person ... that I gladly took on this burden for the sake of all my fellow men and women.

Don't you feel bad now ... I mean really, really bad?