Another favorite...The Hungarian Phrase Book
Text on screen: "In 1970, the British Empire lay in ruins, and foreign nationalists frequented the streets - many of them Hungarian (not the streets - the foreign nationals). Anyway, many of these Hungarians went into tobacconists' shops to buy cigarettes ..."
A Hungarian tourist (John Cleese) approaches the clerk (Terry Jones). The tourist is reading haltingly from a phrase book.
Hungarian: "I will not buy this record, it is scratched."
Clerk: "Sorry?"
Hungarian: "I will not buy this record, it is scratched."
Clerk: "Uh, no, no, no. This is a tobacconist's."
Hungarian: "Ah! I will not buy this *tobacconist's*, it is scratched."
Clerk: "No, no, no, no. Tobacco ... um ... cigarettes." (holds up a pack)
Hungarian: "Ya! See-gar-ets! Ya! Uh ... my hovercraft is full of eels."
Clerk: "Sorry?"
Hungarian: "My hovercraft ..." (pantomimes puffing a cigarette) "... is full of eels." (pretends to strike a match)
Clerk: "Ahh, matches!"
Hungarian: "Ya! Ya! Ya! Ya! Do you waaaaant ... do you waaaaaant ... to come back to my place, bouncy-bouncy?"
Clerk: "Here, I don't think you're using that thing right."
Hungarian: "You great poof."
Clerk: "That'll be six and six, please."
Hungarian: "If I said you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me? I ... I am no longer infected."
Clerk: "Uh, may I, uh ..." (takes phrase book, flips through it) "... Costs six and six ... ah, here we are." (speaks weird Hungarian-sounding words)
Hungarian punches the clerk. Meanwhile, a policeman (Graham Chapman) on a quiet street cups his ear as if hearing a cry of distress. He sprints for many blocks and finally enters the tobacconist's.
Cop: "What's going on here then?"
Hungarian: "Ah. You have beautiful thighs."
Cop: (looks down at himself) "WHAT?!?"
Clerk: "He hit me!"
Hungarian: "Drop your panties, Sir William; I cannot wait 'til lunchtime." (points at clerk)
Cop: "RIGHT!!!" (drags Hungarian away by the arm)
Hungarian: (indignantly) "My nipples explode with delight!"
Scene switches to a courtroom. Characters are all in powdered wigs and judicial robes, except publisher and cop.
Characters: Judge - Terry Jones; Bailiff - Eric Idle; Lawyer - John Cleese; Cop - Graham Chapman; Publisher - Michael Palin.
Bailiff: "Call Alexander Yalt!" (voices sing out the name several times)
Judge: "Oh, shut up!"
Bailiff: (to publisher) "You are Alexander Yalt?"
Publisher: (in a sing-songy voice) "Oh, I am."
Bailiff: "Skip the impersonations. You are Alexander Yalt?"
Publisher: "I am."
Bailiff: "You are hereby charged that on the 28th day of May, 1970, you did willfully, unlawfully, and with malice of forethought, publish an alleged English-Hungarian phrase book with intent to cause a breach of the peace. How do you plead?"
Publisher: "Not guilty."
Bailiff: "You live at 46 Horton Terrace?"
Publisher: "I do live at 46 Horton Terrace."
Bailiff: "You are the director of a publishing company?"
Publisher: "I am the director of a publishing company."
Bailiff: "Your company publishes phrase books?"
Publisher: "My company does publish phrase books."
Bailiff: "You did say 46 Horton Terrace, did you?"
Publisher: "Yes."
Bailiff: (strikes a gong) "Ah! Got him!"
Lawyer and cop applaud, laugh.
Judge: "Get on with it, get on with it."
Bailiff: "That's fine. On the 28th of May, you published this phrase book."
Publisher: "I did."
Bailiff: "I quote an example. The Hungarian phrase meaning 'Can you direct me to the station?' is translated by the English phrase, 'Please fondle my bum.'"
Publisher: "I wish to plead incompetence."
Cop: (stands) "Please may I ask for an adjournment, m'lord?"
Judge: "An adjournment? Certainly not!"
The cop sits down again, emitting perhaps the longest and loudest release of bodily gas in the history of the universe.
Judge: "Why on earth didn't you say WHY you wanted an adjournment?"
Cop: "I didn't know an acceptable legal phrase, m'lord."
Cut to ancient footage of old women applauding.
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