warning, this is dark
 

A friend of mine & former college roommate had been struggling with mental illness for the past few years. She suffered from major depression disorder, generalized anxiety disorder and borderline personality disorder. She had struggled so much.

Last week she decided to end her life. I've always felt that suicide was the biggest cop-out, and so selfish. With her I dont feel that way though. I feel that she tried as hard as she could, but just couldnt make it in this world.

She blogged about her experiences in mental hospitals. It is a very interesting, but dark and depressing, read about a person who is struggling so much inside but is able to capture how she is feeling very well on paper. It also details about her treatment and her struggles with her treatment. She ended up getting kicked out of the treatment center because they found out about her blog, and she took a road trip back to Arizona with her father and took her life when she got back.

I really dont know if I should post this or not, but her writing is so interesting, that maybe it could help people understand what people with mental illness feel like. I feel so sorry for her, but I'm happy she finally has peace. There could very well be a book or movie made about her writings someday.. these are just some of her writings.. she has journaled and written screen plays her whole life. IQ off the charts... maybe two smart for her own good.

I just kind of feel the need to get her words out there. And I very much apologize if this is not appropriate, if people feel that way this thread can be deleted.

http://kristyashley.wordpress.com/the-mclooney-posts/

that is the link to her posts about the hospital she was in. You kinda have to start from the bottom of the page and make your way up if you read it. she also has poetry and other journal entries under "General" and "Mental Illness" sections. RIP girl.

Ouch Lori, really sorry to hear that. Suicide is pretty tough to deal with.

Thank you, but honestly I dont want people to think I posted this looking for sympathy.. I was upset for a couple days but I've accepted it... especially after reading her blog.

I posted this to get her words and experience out there. She had a huge talent for writing. Also, she wanted to be a big advocate for people with mental illness. The stats are sad, about how many people have mental illness but cannot afford treatment. She started a facebook page called Sick Girl.. and it was to raise awareness and let people know they arent alone out there. She really wanted to raise money so people who can afford treatment can get good treatment. Some of her friends have started the Sick Girl Foundation in her memory. I hope it works out.

Mental illness is a very misunderstood disease that offers little in healing and care when compared to "traditional" diseases. My Brother In Law had a totally normal childhood until he started hearing voices at age 17..by age 19 he was paranoid schizo and drank a half a bottle of Drano because he was "told" to. He survived, but has been in and out of horrible State Hospitals ever since. The courts finally agreed he was stable enough to live with his Mom and it's been that way for several years now, fortunately.

Your thread offers a great insight into a World that hopefully none of us have to deal with. I always cringe when certain posters use the phrase "Retard" to describe aspects of the horse game and although I can be as non PC as the next guy, it still bothers me.

I'm sorry about your friend and what she had to deal with. I agree with your perspective on her suicide and hope she has found peace at last. RIP

Thanks for posting this -- couldn't agree with Bob any more than I do. I think it's so poorly understood and still very taboo to talk about in many circles, but it's a really serious issue and I've been around plenty of it to have seen it first hand.

Sorry about your friend, I'm glad you're doing as okay as possible. Hopefully there's peace for her after everything.

wow tough read knowing what the outcome was. Hopefully she is looking down w/a huge a$$ smile on her face and everyone in heaven is wearing a bra! lol Thanks for posting. Maybe it will help some people.

A disturbing trend in medicine is the overuse of antidepressants for those who need them or not. While some people absolutley will benefit from them, the side effects for some are tragic. Once you are on them it is very tricky to get off especially the stronger ones. Withdrawl from antidepressants often leads to bizzare behavior, drug abuse and even suicide. And the truth is that many doctors simply arent equipped to deal with mental illness and pass the buck or throw pills at it.

Tom Cruise in 3-2-1...

Next to impossible.


Very sad, Lori. My heart goes out to you, my friend.

Very sad. Condolences Lori.

A fascinating and troubling read. An emotional roller coaster.

that is so true. I was having some anxiety issues a little less than a year ago and I told my doctor about it.. some panic attacks but nothing completely abnormal. I wanted to get some lorazapam or something to calm down my nerves and heart when I felt that way. Its not like I would feel like that all the time... just sometimes when the stress got to much for my body to handle it normally. So the doc gives me this pill to take EVERYDAY. when i read the label its was a STRONG antidepressant called pristique. I was very upset with my doctor. Such a cop out.. instead of trying to help my anxiety he gave me the latest hard core antidepressant to pad his wallet a little.

I took it for a few days and it helped.. but that was because I couldnt feel ANYTHING but happiness. After a few days I started to feel like a zombie and was like Fucl< This ****! I will never go to that doctor for anything anymore... not even for something like flu medicine. It was quite upsetting and I think it is a big trend.

her last two posts were so sad. They were posted the day before she went missing. Last monday, she told her dad she was going hiking and was never heard from again. They found her body on Thursday in nature.

Not What I Thought It Would Be

I guess dreamswe build up in our minds are dangerous weapons for self-destruction. I had all of these scenarios planned out about how I would go home and come through the front door to surprise the dogs…..they would jump around and give me kisses and I’d get to see my cat. I’d chase Sandy around the backyard and gather up her toys and some of my old books. I’d try to fit my mountain bike into my car. That was the plan I had in my head. Mom had a different one. We ended up meeting at a park where we used to walk the dogs and I got Sandy back there. It’s strange to be unwelcome in the house you grew up in. It’s strange to have someone tell you that you can’t see your 22 year old cat or get your books and your old clothes. I can’t see the pictures of my family that we have sitting out near the entry way. I can’t get my writing or my old films off of the computer. Poor, poor pitiful me. That’s a really good Warren Zevon song.

Also, I’m worried about how Sandy will adjust to the other animals here at the house. She’s been sitting on ‘my’ bed growling at anyone who walks by. I know how she feels. I’d like to have my own space somewhere in the world. I think that’s going to have to be nature, because I don’t have enough money to buy lunch let alone rent an apartment. I have to dig through my bag to find out the name of therapist and the time of our appointment tomorrow. I hope I wrote it down….


I really hope she found peace.

Yep, for sure. My wife suffers from similar diagnosis as Laurie's friend. She is on four different drugs and has been on this drug roller coaster for 20 years.

I once did research and you can find medical journels that say to try A-B-C drugs. Then if that doesn't work try A-B-D, then if that doesn' work try D-H-J and so on and so on and so on.

There are some and maybe many people where these drugs simply do not work and over time the latent affect of being on all these cannot be good.

Last, as Laurie's friends blog points out, you're really just a number to many of these intitutions where the treatment is very inadequate to say the least.

The drug companies have become so powerful they force their products into society. It's a mess and people suffer.

i read not long ago about a woman who was struggling with both mental illness and stupid family members. they wanted a priest to come and exorcise her demons; they refused to believe that it was a medical issue.

very sorry lori that your friend lost her battle with a horrible disease.

Sorry to hear of your friends untimely death Lori. Her blog is a most interesting read, esp. the frozen orange and the entry from 12/14. I'm not done delving into the blog, but I will be by day's end. She had a wonderful talent of conveying her feelings. I'm sure that you're using it as some sort of therapy. Thank you for sharing, I find it to be very insightful.

A buddy of mine that suffered with mental issues, just last week, committed suicide by intentional drug overdose. He had a history of drug abuse but was clean for over 2 years. Something triggered him (his brother thinks it was a fight with his girlfriend) and he bought a boat load of tombstones (xanax I believe) and drowned them with a bottle of beefeater. He was a great kid who had his share of problems, but we all do and its how we deal with them gauges our strength. He never was one to face his battles head-on. RIP Brian Engarde.

My whole life, I was as lucky as they come in regards to my friends dying. Not once had to experience lowering a friend into the ground. That all changed about 2 years ago and have since had to bury 3 of them. they are all tough to swallow, but the accidental deaths are much, much harder to deal with. Time heals all wounds. Again Lori, Im saddened to hear of your friends decision to end her life, as we only get one go around at this crazy thing.

Hang in there kiddo and remember all of the fun times that you two shared.

declansharbor: so sorry to read about your friend. And Lori: your last post was the most heart-rending, since it was her last note!

Retarded people are limited in intellectual or emotional development.

People with Clinical Depression aren't that way. I don't know why anybody would ever use the term "Retard," or "Retarded" in a thread about somebody who had Depression, Anxiety etc. She just said the woman was smart. These diseases are very far apart, and probably the reason Depression is poorly treated is due somewhat to many people thinking it's related to Retardation. It's like comparing a fkn walnut to a bird. The reason people with anxiety/ depression die like this is because of the attitude of the doctors in that society. If there is no pressure on them to do their job, then they simply will not do it. Other diseases are much easier to treat. These people are not a priority to the medical profession(at all.) That's what happens here, too. She wasn't a priority to the medical profession. She got tired of waiting around for them to care. In any other type disease there would be some investigation of her case. I doubt the piss-poor "doctors" she had will even get interviewed by their boss. The worst doctors go to the field that doctors have the least interest in(PSYCHIATRY,) and it's one of the poorest paying(because society cares close to nothing about treating these diseases.)

My point was The Fat Man shouldn't call stewards "Retards"..

And I understand what "retardation" is...How many mental illness homes you been in? I've been in plenty visting my Bro in Law and know there are both Retarded people there and those with Mental Illness.

Just because they choose to put them together doesn't make them close diseases. It's like putting someone who is too stupid to read next to people who are starting to lose the ability to read.

Man..I understand and agree with you totally...that's all I'm trying to say while explaining why I used that word in my first post

many State facilities also have the elderly, stroke victims and those with closed head and brain injuries not to mention criminals deemed by the court of having mental disorders all warehoused together.

I'll tell you one thing. Whoever is managing Chris Brown sure wishes they had a better treatment for Black Rage(because that boy sure did do a job on Rhianna.) Can you imagine the guy not only beat her up very badly, but put bite marks on her. That's a disaster.

ativan is a very addicting drug. Most MDs, or the ones that really care, try other meds first. the problem is that it is still a very inexact science. what works for one does not work for another. i'm sorry about your friend but she is in a better place now that she does not need to suffer

so sorry for the loss of your friend lori. i know how you feel right now.

i lost one of my close friends to suicide over a year ago.

his was depression and a crystal meth addiction he couldn't kick.

he ended up thinking the new house he was moving into with his gf wasn't good. he kept saying to her he felt bad vibes about it but moved in . later she was freaking out cause he thought the house or something in it was out to get him. the meth was mentally taking him down. but nobody knew how bad he was on it as he hid it very well.

was a lead singer for a heavy rock band in minneapolis and had a amazing voice and always put up a front that everything was fine.

his mother called him the night before and he told her god is closer then you think. and all the years ive known dan ive never here him say something like that as he wasn't really religous per say.

the next day he ended up stabbing himself 9 times in the chest and stomach with a knife from the kitchen.

was a hon pallbearer at the funeral as he was cremated and it was tough. had to listen to the songs he wrote himself and sang on a tape at the funeral and him singing stairway to heaven all done in a studio. so many things run thru your mind in a time like that. and i'm sure they are with you also.

your right about it not being a cop out . it was just to much and as sad as it is your right . she is at peace now.

just go easy on yourself and take care

roger

Hospitals cannot fix depression.....only when someone faces their problems will it be fixed. I absolutely hate anti depressants....

5 years ago, I was so depressed and didn't know who to turn to, so I turned to doctors and told them how I felt...and they just kept saying, "Here get these pills and you'll be fine!!!" And so I would take Paxil, Prozac, and many other wonderful drugs that I'll remember for the rest of my life.

The problem is I don't have many friends, but drugs aren't going to fix that and it took me a long time to realize that I have to fix what's truly wrong rather than seeking a temporary cure.

Well, anxiety( panic attacks are the extreme form of anxiety) is an odd thing. For those who have never had it, the best way to describe it is:

1)heart is racing
2)very dry mouth
3)trouble breathing(can't seem to take a full breath of air)
4) can hear your heart beat in your head or ears
5) usually comes for no reason
6) You probably go to the E.R, because your brain is telling you you're gunna die(yep..not fun)...even though you aren't in pain, or not much pain...damn it, you can't get your air
7)You're sure something is seriously wrong with you
8) leaves(or eases up) for no reason
8) your scared it's gunna come back(because it's awful)

O.K., if you want to use Ativan or whatever for this, then I can understand why(you want to get rid of this.) You're afraid it's gunna come back. I can tell you that you can get rid of it yourself. The 1st thing to do is to slowly push your stomach muscles out when your inhaling air. You don't want to hyperventilate(which people tend to do if they don't push their stomach muscles slowly out when breathing at a nice moderate rate.) Now, you're gunna do what I say, and still feel like you're somewhat unable to get your air. I didn't say it would make the feeling go away. See, you need to accept that you're having this feeling without adding to the damage it can do to you. Panic attacks feel bad. The way to look at it is like a gallon container without the milk in it. The panic attack comes, and fills the jug half full. If you don't realize it for what it is(and believe it isn't going to kill you,) then you are gunna fill up the other half of that container(and have a very bad panic attack.) You need to accept the fact that you're having a panic attack. You're not gunna die. Yes, it's awful. Don't show it fear. That's it's fuel. I don't know why people get anxiety/ panic attacks. I do know that their fuel is fear of them. If you're gunna wonder what's wrong with you, then, again, that's fuel to make these things worse. You have to accept that it's anxiety, or panic attacks. Don't question what it is. Accept it. Embrace it. Know exactly what it is(an evil trick your body is playing on you.) If you fear panic attacks, then you'll keep having them. You'll see that they will continue to lessen with time(if you just let them come without making them worse,) because you've taken their power away(fear.)

Depression is often what Doctors tell people they have if they don't know what's wrong with them. They don't have to keep testing for hormonal problems etc. that can be hard to detect. Like, for instance, Oprah said she went to 4 doctors before she found out she had a hormone deficiency. A typical woman would of been told depression was causing her fatigue. If something's not easy to diagnose, then they say you have depression. They don't have to prove someone has depression. There is no test for it. Sure, if there are severe mood problems, then it's probably depression, but too often people with fatigue get labeled as depressed. Whether you're on antidepressants or not, if you have something other than depression, then it's not gunna get better unless it gets treated. Do they do full hormonal work ups on people before they call them depressed? No, they're too cheap. They do some basic blood tests with huge normal value ranges, and if those few simple basic tests aren't abnormal, then guess what? You're gunna get diagnosed as depressed. It's their cheapest option.

Damn, Lori ... sorry to hear about your friend. Hope she found the peace she was so desperately looking for. :(