some jokes to start your day
 

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'" "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" Well, "It's Not Unusual."

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," says Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

10. DejaMoo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"

13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!".

16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why," they asked, as they moved off. "Because",! he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

18. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him. (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good)..... A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

20. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to her friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

My favs are 4, 6, 15, & 18

Thank our lucky stars for the Beulah thread.

Can't wait to break those out next Fall at Deer Camp.:D

that was very nice

the only bad one that comes to mind is

Did you hear about the guy that got run over by a train and lost the left side of his body.
















he's all right

:o

oh boy....





a priest, a rabbi and a lawyer walk into a bar. the bartender asks 'what, is this some kind of joke?'

HUH?

Well hey..don't explain it.



Ah don't care!

A rabbit , a first baseperson and a box of nails walk into a bar.

Bartender says..." What....is this some kind of joke? Well if it is...I sure don't get it."

Well I didn't get Dannie's either.





So I guess we're square.

Here's some more.....random thoughts

1. Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water?
Try spelling Evian bac kwards: NAIVE

2. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?

3. OK.... so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the 'Jags' and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the 'Bucs,' what does that make the Tennessee Titans?

4. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one enjoys it?

5. There are three religious truths:
a. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
b. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.
c. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or Hooters.

6. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

7. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

8. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?

9 Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a race car is not called a racist?

10. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?

11. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?


12. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

13. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

14. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

15. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me . They're cramming for their final exam.

16. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? toothpicks?

17. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office?
What are we supposed to do, write to them?
Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?

18. If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

19. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

20. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?

21. If a cow laughed, would she spew milk out of her nose?

22. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?

23. At income tax time, did you ever notice: When you put the two words 'The' and 'IRS' together it spells...'THEIRS'?

so these two blondes are walking down the street and they see a sign

Hot dog
fries and a coke

$2

so they decide to go inside and order lunch
KYRIM unwraps the foil from her hot dog
and then turns to the other blonde and says
"what part of the dog did you get?"

:rolleyes:

:cool:

:confused: ...^^^Hates Vivaldis 4 Seasons...especially Winter.






nyuk-nyuk-nyuk

:) :) :) :)

A blonde and a brunette were taking the elevator to the lobby from the
25th floor. On the 23rd floor a very handsome man with great hair, but
obvious dandruff, gets into the elevator.

The women exchange a look acknowledging just how good looking this man
is. The man gets off the elevator on the 12th floor.The women watch him
exit the elevator. Then the brunette turns to the blonde and says, 'God,
was he good looking, but someone ought to give him some Head &
Shoulders.

'To which the blonde replies, 'How do you give Shoulders?'

A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on
the subject, and finally getting all the necessary tools together, she made
for the ice.
After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a
circular cut in the ice. Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed,
"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."
Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a
thermos of cappuccino, and began to cut yet another hole. Again from the
heavens the voice bellowed,
"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."
The blonde, now worried, moved away, clear down to the opposite
end of ice. She set up her stool once more and tried again to cut her hole.
The voice came once more,
"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."
She stopped, looked skyward, and said, "Is that you, Lord?"
The voice replied,

"NO, THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE HOCKEY RINK."

there are funny people.

and then there are people that tell jokes.

but if anyone carries a prop on stage, run for cover.

What do you call Two Mexicans playing Basketball ?






















... Juan on Juan

An old man walks into a drug store and asks for some Viagra pills. He says to the chemist, "and could you break them in quarters for me please"

The chemist replies, " A quarter of a Viagra pill won't be enough to sustain an erection"

The old man says, "I'm 93 years old and I have no use for a sustained erection, I just want it to stick out far enough so I don't piss on my slippers"

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss
program.
The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before
him
a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair

of Nike running shoes and a sign round her neck.
She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss
company.
The sign reads: "If you can catch me, you can have me."
Without a second thought, he takes off after her.
A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and
has his way with her.
The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing
happens.
On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has
lost 10 lb.
As promised.

He then calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program.
The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most
stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life.
She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around
her
neck that reads: "If you catch me you can have me."
Well, he's out the door after her like a shot!
This girl is in excellent shape and it takes him a while to catch
her; but when he does, it's definitely worth every muscle cramp and
wheeze, so for the next four days, the same routine happens.
Much to his delight, on the fifth day he weighs himself only to
discover that he has lost another 20 lb. as promised.

He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the
7-day/50 pound program.
"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone, "This is our
most rigorous program."
"Absolutely," he replies," I haven't felt this good in years."
The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he
finds this huge, muscular, 7 ft man standing there, wearing nothing but
pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads: "I'm Dave. If

I catch you, you're mine..."

Well...tell us ,Dannie.

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director, "How do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized."

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a
teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

http://i231.photobucket.com/albums/e...head/girls.jpg
Image

A woman meets a man in a bar.

They talk; they connect; they end
up leaving together.


They get back to his place,
and as he shows her around his
apartment, she notices that one wall of his
bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet,
cuddly teddy bears.




There are three shelves in the
bedroom,

with hundreds and hundreds of cute,
cuddly teddy bears carefully placed
in rows, covering the entire wall.


It was obvious that he had taken
quite some time to lovingly arrange them
and she was immediately touched
by the amount of thought he had
put into organizing the display.


There were small bears all along
the bottom shelf,




medium-sized bears covering the
length of the middle shelf,



and huge, enormous bears running
all the way along the top shelf.


She found it strange for an
obviously masculine guy to have such a large
collection of Teddy Bears.


She is impressed by his
sensitive side,

but doesn't mention this to him.




They share a bottle of wine and
continue talking and,
after awhile, she finds herself
thinking,

'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy
could be the one!



Maybe he could be the future
father of my children?'


She turns to him and kisses him
lightly on the lips.


He responds warmly.



They continue to kiss, the passion
builds, and he romantically lifts her in
his arms and carries her into his bedroom...



...where they rip off each other's
clothes and make hot, steamy passionate love.


She is so overwhelmed that she
responds with more passion,
more creativity, more heat than she
has ever known.


After an intense, explosive night
of raw passion with this sensitive guy,
they are lying there together in
the afterglow.

The woman rolls over, gently
strokes his chest and asks coyly,


'Well,how was it?'


The guy gently smiles at her,

strokes her cheek,

looks deeply into her eyes,


and says:








'Help yourself to any prize,


from the middle shelf"