Boating issues


It was a the end of the day for the boaters on a small lake. One boat had not returned. The dock master could see the boat on the water. He calls out "Boat number 91, it's time to return to the dock!"

His boss hears him call out to boat 91. The boss says to the dock master, "We don't have a boat number 91."

At that, the dock master pauses, then turns to the boat on the water and calls out, "Boat number 16, do you have a problem?"

Crowd Control (Repent, been to Denver lately?)

An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in Denver, Colorado, for being smart and funny and making her point when confronted with an angry passenger. During the final days at Denver's old Stapleton airport, a crowded United flight was canceled. A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers.

Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."

The agent replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."

The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "Do you have any idea who I am?"

Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have your attention please?" she began, her voice bellowing throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at the gate WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to the gate."

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore, "F--- you!"

Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to stand in line for that, too."

The crowd applauded - and the errors of United were forgotten in a moment of almost universal bliss.

Fire truck
A firefighter is working on an engine outside the station, when he notices a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The girl is wearing a firefighter's helmet. The wagon is being pulled by her dog and her cat.

The firefighter walks over to take a closer look. "That sure is a nice fire truck," the fire fighter says with admiration. "Thanks," the girl says.

The firefighter looks a little closer and notices the girl has tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles. "Little partner," the firefighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar too, I think you could go faster."

The little girl replies thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."

Hi Sharon,
How goes??
If I annoyed ya...sorry. Don't know,,,but apologies all around.

I have nothing against cats or dogs...I have one of each.
Hate is something I don't give time to "rent space in my head".
Carry on...I'll try to find a better one tomorrow.

Not really funny, but worth knowing in case you're ever asked.

Are You Know Everything ?

The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.

Los Angeles' full name is "El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina de los Angeles de Porciuncula".

The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.

You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching television.

A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.

Honey is the only food that doesn't spoil.

The longest one-syllable word in the English language is "screeched".

On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament building is an American flag.

"I am." is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.

A traveling salesman arrives at a farmhouse and asks to spend the night.

The farmer agrees but on one condition. "We don't have any extra rooms so you'll have to sleep with my son."

The salesman says, "hold on a minute...I think I'm in the wrong joke."

Eww, little "g", you can do better than that!
Did you ever resond to these questions that the kids asked you?

Children's Letters to God



Dear GOD,
Who draws the lines around the countries?
-Nan

Dear GOD,
What does it mean You are a Jealous God? I thought You had
everything.
-Jane

Dear GOD,
In school they told us what You do.
Who does it when You are on vacation?
-Jane

Dear GOD,
Are you really invisible or is that just a trick?
-Lucy

Dear GOD,
Is it true my father won't get in Heaven if he uses his bowling
words
in the house?
-Anita

Dear GOD,
Did you mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it an
accident?
-Norma

Dear GOD,
Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones, why
don't
You just keep the ones You have now?
-Jane

Dear GOD,
I went to this wedding and they kissed right in church. Is that
okay?
-Neil

Dear GOD,
Did you really mean "do unto others as they do unto you"? Because
if
you did, then I'm going to fix my brother!
-Darla

Dear GOD,
Thank you for the baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy.
-Joyce

Dear GOD,
It rained for our whole vacation and is my father mad! He said some

things about You that people are not supposed to say, but I hope
You
will not hurt him anyway. Your friend (But I am not going to tell
you who I am)

Dear GOD,
Why is Sunday school on Sunday?
I thought it was supposed to be our day of rest.
-Tom L.

Dear GOD,
Please send me a pony.
I never asked for anything before, You can look it up.
-Bruce

Dear GOD,
If You give me a genie lamp like Aladdin, I will give you anything
you want except my money or my chess set.
-Raphael

Dear GOD,
My brother is a rat. You should give him a tail. Ha ha.
-Danny

Dear GOD,
Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they had
their own rooms. It works with my brother.
-Larry

Dear GOD,
I want to be just like my Daddy when I get big but not with so much

hair all over.
-Sam

Dear GOD,
I think the stapler is one of your greatest inventions.
-Ruth M.

Dear GOD,
I bet it is very hard for You to love all of everybody in the whole

world. There are only 4 people in our family and I can never do
it.
-Nan

Dear GOD,
If You watch me in church Sunday, I'll show You my new shoes.
-Mickey D.

Dear GOD,
I would like to live 900 years like the guy in the Bible.
Love, Chris

Dear GOD,
We read Thomas Edison made light. But in school they said You did
it.
So I bet he stoled your idea.
Sincerely, Donna

In case you didn't know....

What's the difference between a wife, a nympho, and a hooker?
The nympho says, "You're done already?"

The hooker says, "Are you done yet?"

And the wife says, "Beige, I think I'll paint the ceiling beige."

Horse Country

A man walked into a cowboy bar and ordered a beer just as President G W Bush appeared on the television. After a few sips, he looked up at the television and mumbled, "Now, there's the biggest horse's as s I've ever seen." A customer at the end of the bar quickly stood up, walked over to him, and decked him.
A few minutes later, as the man was finishing his beer, Laura Bush appeared on the television. "She's a horse's as s too," the man. This time, a customer at the other end of the bar quickly stood up, walked over to him, and knocked him off his stool. "Damn it!" the man said, climbing back up to the bar. "This must be Bush country!"

"Nope," the bartender replied. "Horse country!"

Various important philosophical Questions

Why is it only drug dealers and software developers call their clients 'users'?
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
If God dropped acid, would he see people?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?
If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids"?
Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
Where are we going? And what's with this handbasket?
If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of the stuff?
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said, "If I tell you, it would defeat the purpose.
If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they still working?
Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?
If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
OK, so what's the speed of dark?

From my favorite Jewish humor site...

The Philosopher


A young man was going to evening classes in philosophy to improve his education and when he came home his father always asked him what he'd learned.
"This evening we talked about Einstein and the Theory of Relativity"
"Voos is doos der Theory of Relativity?"
"Well it shows that everything is relative. If you were sitting on a hot stove for five minutes it would seem like an hour, but if you were making love to a beautiful woman for an hour it would seem like five minutes."
The old man thought for a minute. "And from this Einstein makes a living"

The Children of Israel

Mr. Goldblatt," announced little Joey, "there's somethin' I can't figger out." "What's that Joey?" asked Goldblatt.

"Well accordin' to the Bible, the Children of Israel crossed the Red Sea, right?"

"Right."

"An' the Children of Israel beat up the Phillistines, right?"

"Er--right."

"An' the Children of Israel built the Temple, right?"

"Again you're right."

"An' the Children of Israel fought the 'gyptians, an' the Children of Israel fought the Romans, an' the Children of Israel wuz always doin' somethin' important, right?"

"All that is right, too," agreed Goldblatt. "So what's your question?"

"What I wanna know is this," demanded Joey. "What wuz allthe grown-ups doin?"

Dearly Departed

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave.

The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?"

The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?"

The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied..."My wife's first husband."

God's Creation

Grandpa and granddaughter were sitting talking when she asked, "Did God made you, Grandpa?"

"Yes, God made me," the grandfather answered.

A few minutes later, the little girl asked him, "Did God make me, too?"

"Yes, He did," the older man answered.

For a few minutes, the little girl seemed to be studying her grandpa, as well as her own reflection in the mirror, while her grandfather wondered what was running through her mind. At last she spoke up.

"You know, Grandpa," she said, "God's doing a lot better job lately."

A husband had just finished reading a new book entitled You Can Be the Man of Your House.
He stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up to his wife. Pointing a finger in her face, he said sternly, "From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is law! You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert. After dinner you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want. After that, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then you will massage my feet and hands. Then after that's done, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

The wife replied, "The ****in' funeral director would be my guess."



Hee hee...

True Love
A man was walking across the road when he was struck by a car. The impact was on his head which caused him to be comatose for two days before he finally regained consciousness. When he opened his eyes, his wife was there beside him.

He held her hand and said meaningfully: "You have always been beside me. When I was a struggling university student, I failed again and again. You were always there beside me, encouraging me to go on trying".

She squeezed his hands as he continued. "When I went for all the major interviews and failed to clinch any of the jobs, you were there beside me, cutting out more ads for me to apply..." He continued, "Then I started work at this little firm and finally got to handle a big contract. I blew it because of one little mistake. And you were there beside me. Then I finally got another job after being laid off for some time. But I never seem to be promoted and my hard work was not recognized. As such, I remained in the same position from the day I joined the company till now. And you were there beside me".

Her eyes brimmed with tears as she listened to her husband. "And now I had an accident and when I woke up, you were here beside me........There's something I'd really like to say to you..." She flung herself on the bed to hug her husband, sobbing with emotion.

He said..., " I think you really bring me bad luck.."

RIP Grampa

On hearing that her elderly grandfather had passed away, Jenny rushed to her grandmother's side.


When she asked the particulars of her grandfather's death, her grandmother explained, "He had a heart attack during sex on Sunday morning."


Horrified, Jenny suggested sex at age 94 was surely asking for trouble.


"Oh, no," her grandmother replied. "We had sex every Sunday morning, in time with the church bells - in with the dings and out with the dongs."


She paused and wiped away a tear.


"If it hadn't been for that ice cream truck going past, he'd still be alive."