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Christmas Parrot
One day a man walked into a bar and sat down next to a guy with a parrot on his shoulder. The bartender said, "Cute parrot, does he talk?" The guy with the parrot says, "He does more than just talk, watch." The guy lit a match and placed it under the parrots left foot. Then the parrot started singing "Jingle Bells". It was a Christmas Parrot called Chet. The guy then placed the match under the right foot and the parrot then started to sing "The 12 days of Christmas." The bartender said, "That's incredible". He then asked, "What does he say when you place them between his feet?" The guy said, "You know I never tried that, let's see." When the match was placed between the feet of the Christmas parrot, the parrot began to sing a familiar tune... "Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire." |
Brother John entered the 'Monastery of Silence' and the Chief Priest said, "Brother, this is a silent monastery, you are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until I direct you to do so."
Brother John lived in the monastery for 5 years before the Chief Priest said to him "Brother John,you have been here 5 years now, you may speak two words." Brother John said, "Hard Bed." "I'm sorry to hear that" the Chief Priest said. "We will get you a better bed." After another 5 years, Brother John was called by the Chief Priest. "You may say another two words Brother John." "Cold Food." said Brother John, and the Chief Priest assured him that the food would be better in the future. On his 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Chief Priest again called Brother John into his office. "Two words you may say today." "I Quit." said Brother John. "It is probably best." said the Chief "You've done nothing but complain since you've been here." |
Priest & Rabbi Share Car
A priest and a rabbi operated a church and a synagogue across the street from each other. Since their schedules intertwined, they decided to go in together to buy a car. After the purchase, they drove it home and parked it on the street between them. A few minutes later, the rabbi looked out and saw the priest sprinkling water on their new car! The rabbi hurried out and asked the priest what he was doing. "I'm blessing it," the priest replied. The rabbi considered this a moment, then went back inside the synagogue. He reappeared a moment later with a hacksaw, walked over to the car and cut off two inches of the tailpipe. |
Marta Stewart's Holiday To-Do List
December 1 Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving turkey. Spray paint gold, turn upside down and use as a sleigh to hold Christmas Cards. December 2 Have Mormon Tabernacle Choir record outgoing Christmas message for answering machine. December 3 Using candlewick and hand-gilded miniature pine cones, fashion cat-o-nine-tails. Flog Gardener. December 4 Repaint Sistine Chapel ceiling in ecru, with mocha trim. December 5 Get new eyeglasses. Grind lenses myself. December 6 Fax family Christmas newsletter to Pulitzer committee for consideration. December 7 Debug Windows ‘98. December 10 Align carpets to adjust for curvature of Earth. December 11 Lay Faberge egg. December 12 Take Dog apart. Disinfect. Reassemble. December 13 Collect Dentures. They make excellent pastry cutters, particularly for decorative pie crusts. December 14 Install plumbing in gingerbread house. December 15 Replace air in mini-van tires with Glade "holiday scents" in case tires are shot out at mall. December 17 Child proof the Christmas tree with garland of razor wire. December 19 Adjust legs of chairs so each Christmas dinner guest will be same height when sitting at his or her assigned seat. December 20 Dip sheep and cows in egg whites and roll in confectioner’s sugar to add a festive sparkle to the pasture. December 21 Drain city reservoir; refill with mulled cider, orange slices and cinnamon sticks. December 22 Float votive candles in toilet tank. December 23 Seed clouds for white Christmas. December 24 Do my annual good deed. Go to several stores. Be seen engaged in last minute Christmas shopping, thus making many people feel less inadequate than they really are. December 25 Bear son. Swaddle. Lay in color coordinated manger scented with homemade potpourri. December 26 Organize spice racks by genus and phylum. December 27 Build snowman in exact likeness of God. December 31 New Year’s Eve! Give staff their resolutions. Call a friend in each time zone of the world as the clock strikes midnight in that country. |
Answering Machine Answers
Actual answering machine answers recorded and verified by the world-famous International Institute of Answering Machine Answers... ~~~~~ My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished. ~~~~~ A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So leave a message. ~~~~~ Hi. This is John. If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money. ~~~~~ Hi, I'm not home right now but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep. ~~~~~ Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets. ~~~~~ Hello, this is Sally's microwave. Her answering machine just eloped with her tape deck, so I'm stuck with taking her calls. Say, if you want anything cooked while you leave your message, just hold it up to the phone. ~~~~~ Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through their office and do not need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you. ~~~~~ This is not an answering machine -- this is a telepathic thought- recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call. ~~~~~ Hi. I am probably home. I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you. ~~~~~ Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back. ~~~~~ If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't home and it's safe to leave us a message. ~~~~~ You're growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel very sleepy now. You are gradually losing your willpower and your ability to resist suggestions. When you hear the tone you will feel helplessly compelled to leave your name, number, and a message. ~~~~~ Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us. ~~~~~ Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right ... real slowly. So leave a message, and when we're done brushing our teeth, we'll get back to you. |
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:D:eek: :D |
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plus girls are mostly right and boys are mostly wrong:D :D |
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What Do You Do At Christmas?
A teacher, Mrs. Jones, asked each of her students how they celebrated Christmas. She called first on young Patrick Murphy. "Tell me, Patrick, what do you do at Christmas time?" Patrick addressed the class "Me and my twelve brothers and sister go to midnight Mass and we sing hymns. Then we come home very late and we put mince pies by the back door and hang up our stockings. Then we go to bed and wait for Father Christmas to come with all our toys." "Very nice, Patrick," she said. "Now, Jimmy Brown, what do you do at Christmas?" "Me and my sister also go to church with Mum and Dad, and we sing carols. When we get home, we put cookies and milk by the chimney and hang up our stockings. We hardly sleep waiting for Santa Claus to bring our presents." "That's also very nice, Jimmy," she said. Realizing that there was a Jewish boy in the class and not wanting to leave him out of the discussion, she asked him the same question. "Now, Isaac Cohen, what do you do at Christmas?" "Well, we also sing carols," Isaac responded. Surprised, Mrs. Jones questioned further. "Tell us what you sing." "Well, it's the same thing every year. Dad comes home from the office. We all pile into the Rolls Royce and drive to his toy factory. When we get inside, we look at all the empty shelves and sing, "What a friend we have in Jesus." Then we all go to the Bahamas for 2 weeks. |
More quotes by "Guess Who?"
"We spent a lot of time talking about Africa, as we should. Africa is a nation that suffers from incredible disease." - June 14, 2001, Press Conference "Anyway, I'm so thankful, and so gracious - I'm gracious that my brother Jeb is concerned about the hemisphere as well." - June 4, 2001 "There's no question that the minute I got elected, the storm clouds on the horizon were getting nearly directly overhead." - May 11, 2001 "You teach a child to read, and he or her will be able to pass a literacy test.'' - February 21, 2001 "I am mindful not only of preserving executive powers for myself, but for predecessors as well." - Jan. 29, 2001. |
December 1st
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue. There will be lots of spiked eggnog and a small band playing traditional carols ... feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus to light the Christmas tree! Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10. Merry Christmas to you and your family. Patty Lewis - Human Resources Director December 2nd TO: ALL EMPLOYEES In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday that often coincides with Christmas (though unfortunately not this year). However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to employees who are celebrating Kwanzaa at this time. There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols sung. Happy Holidays to you and your family. Patty Lewis - Human Resources Director December 3rd TO: ALL EMPLOYEES Regarding the anonymous note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, I'm happy to accommodate this request, but, don't forget, if I put a sign on the table that reads, "AA Only," you won't be anonymous anymore. In addition, forget about the gifts exchange-no gifts will be allowed since the union members feel that $10 is too much money. Patty Lewis - Human Researchers Director December 7th TO: ALL EMPLOYEES I've arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women closest to the restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with the gay men; each will have their table. Yes, there will be a flower arrangement for the gay men's table. Happy now? Patty Lewis - Human Racehorses Director December 9th TO: ALL EMPLOYEES People, people-nothing sinister was intended by wanting our CEO to play Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of "Santa" does happen to be "Satan," there is no evil connotation to our own "little man in a red suit." Patty Lewis - Human Ratraces December 10th TO: ALL EMPLOYEES Vegetarians-I've had it with you people!! We're going to hold this party at Luigi's Open Pit whether you like it or not, you can just sit at the table farthest from the "grill of death," as you put it, and you'll get salad bar only, including hydroponic tomatoes. But, you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them right now. Ha! I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk and die, you hear me? The Bitch from Hell! December 14th TO: ALL EMPLOYEES I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery from her stress-related illness. I'll continue to forward your cards to her at the sanitarium. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay. Terri Bishop - Acting Human Resources Director |
Dear Santa: I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. Iv ben a gud boy
all yeer. Yer Frend, BiLLy Dear Billy, Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawn care. How about I send you a frigging book called a dictionary so you can learn to read and write? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell! Santa ------------------------------------------------------------------ Dear Santa: I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is Peace and Joy in the world for everybody! Love, Sarah Dear Sarah, Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they? Santa ------------------------------------------------------------------ Dear Santa: I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas I'd like for my Mommy and Daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do. Love, Teddy Dear Teddy, Look, your dad's banging the baby-sitter like a screen door in a hurricane. Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to your frigid mom, who rides his ass constantly? It's time to give up that dream. Let me get you some nice Legos instead. Santa ------------------------------------------------------------------ Dear Santa: I want a new bike, a Playstation, a train, some G.I. Joe's, a dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba. Love, Francis Dear Francis, Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays? I bet you're gay. Santa ------------------------------------------------------------------ Dear Santa: I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the back door. Love, Susan Dear Susan, Milk gives me the runs, and carrots make the deer fart in my face when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Leave me a bottle of scotch. Santa ----------------------------------------------------------------- Dear Santa: What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making toys? Your friend, Thomas Dear Thomas, All the toys are made in China. I have a condo in Vegas, where I spend most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by drinking myself silly and squeezing the asses of ****tail waitresses while losing money at the craps table. Hey, you wanted to know. Santa ------------------------------------------------------------------ Dear Santa: Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake, like in the song? Love, Jessica Dear Jessica, Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do. I'm skipping your house. Santa ------------------------------------------------------------------ Dear Santa: I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please PLEASE PLEASE could I have one? Timmy Timmy, That whiney begging **** may work with your folks, but that crap doesn't work with me. You're getting a sweater again! Santa ------------------------------------------------------------------ Dearest Santa: We don't have a chimney in our house so how do you get in? Love, Marky Mark, First, stop calling yourself "Marky"! That's why you're getting your ass whipped at school. Second, you don't live in a house, you live in a low-rent apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like all the burglars do, through your bedroom window. Sweet Dreams, Santa |
Three Wise Men...
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. "In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven." The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle," he said. "You may pass through the pearly gates," Saint Peter said. The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells." Saint Peter said, "You may pass through the pearly gates." The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's glasses. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?" The man replied, "They're Carol's." |
Cajun and Witch...both good! LOL!
Let's Celebrate! A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plush restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sits alone at a nearby table. The wife asks, "Do you know her?" "Yes," sighs the husband,"She's my ex-girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up seven years ago, and hear she hasn't been sober since." "My God!" says the wife, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?" |
The Ventriloquist
A ventriloquist cowboy walked into a little Oklahoma town and saw a rancher sitting on his porch with his dog: Cowboy: Hey, cool dog. Mind if I speak to him? Rancher: Dawgs cain't talk. Cowboy: Hey dog, how's it going? Dog: Doin alright. Rancher: (Extreme look of shock) Cowboy: Is this your owner? (pointing at rancher) Dog: Yep. Cowboy: How's he treat you? Dog: Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play. Rancher: (Look of disbelief) Cowboy: Mind if I talk to your horse? Rancher: Horses cain't talk! Cowboy: Hey horse, how's it goin? Horse: Cool. Rancher: (an even wilder look of shock) Cowboy: Is this your owner? (pointing at rancher) Horse: Yep. Cowboy: How's he treat you? Horse: Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements. Rancher: (total look of amazement) Cowboy: Mind if I talk to your sheep? Rancher: (gesticulating wildly, and hardly able to talk). Them sheep ain't nothin but liars!!! |
Old hillbilly from Arkansas...
After living in the remote wilderness of Arkansas all his life, an old hillbilly decided it was time to visit the big city. In one of the stores he picks up a mirror and looks in it. Not ever having seen one before, he remarked at the image staring back at him, "How about that! Here's a picture of my daddy." He bought the 'picture', but on the way home he remembered his wife, didn't like his father. So he hung it in the barn, and every morning before leaving for the fields, he would go there and look at it. His wife began to get suspicious of these many trips to the barn. One day after her husband left, she searched the barn and found the mirror. As she looked into the glass, she fumed, "So that's the ugly bitch he's runnin' around with." |
Osama bin Laden sent G W Bush a coded "Holiday Greeting"
After numerous rounds of "We don't even know if Osama is still alive," Osama himself decided to send George Bush a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game. Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a single line of coded message: 370HSSV-0773H. Bush was baffled, so he faxed it to Condi Rice. Condi and her aides had no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI. No one could solve it at the FBI so it went to the CIA, then to the NSA. With no clue as to its meaning they eventually asked Britain's MI-6 for help. Within a minute MI-6 cabled the White House with this reply: "Tell the President he's holding the message upside down." |
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J/K, Wayne... :p |
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No kidding. Be careful where you hang your stockings.:D |
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I couldn't resist... I am bored out of my skull today. 52 more minutes until I get to go home and I'm off for 10 days! :cool: |
Single Black Female
This has to be one of the best singles ads ever printed. It is reported to have been listed in The Atlanta Journal. SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I'm a very good looking girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping and fishing trips,cozy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me. Call (404) 875-6420 and ask for Daisy, I'll be waiting... Over 15,000 men found themselves talking to the Atlanta Humane Society about an 8-week-old black Labrador retriever. (Men are so easy). |
The Mule
A busy farmer needed some help with tending to the animals. His mother-in-law offered to spend some time on his farm, and being as busy as he was, the farmer had no choice but to accept her offer. A few days later, the farmer's mother-in-law was killed when his mule kicked her. Thousands of people from town who had heard about the death came to the poor lady's funeral, many that the farmer didn't even know. A minister noticed this, came up to the farmer, and asked him, "Why are there so many people here?" The farmer answered, "Oh, they're not here for the funeral. They want to buy the mule." |
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Aspiring Psychiatrists
The aspiring psychiatrists from various colleges were attending their first class on emotional extremes. "Just to establish some parameters," said the professor, to the student from the University of Houston, "What is the opposite of joy?" "Sadness," said the student. "And the opposite of depression?" he asked of the young lady from Rice. "Elation," said she. "And you sir," he said to the young man from Texas A&M, "How about the opposite of woe?" The Aggie replied, "Sir, I believe that would be giddy-up." |
How to Tell if your Christmas Party is a Success
With the Holiday Season upon us it is important to understand how much our parties are appreciated. Please use the listing below as reference. Gauging the level of your New Years Party Festivity Level 1: Your guests are chatting amiably with each other, admiring your Christmas tree ornaments, singing carols around the upright piano, sipping at their drinks and nibbling hors d'oeuvres. Festivity Level 2: Your guests are talking loudly -- sometimes to each other, and sometimes to nobody at all, rearranging your Christmas tree ornaments, singing "I Gotta Be Me" around the upright piano, gulping their drinks and wolfing down hors d'oeuvres. Festivity Level 3: Your guests are arguing violently with inanimate objects, singing "I can't get no satisfaction," gulping down other peoples' drinks, wolfing down Christmas tree ornaments and placing hors d'oeuvres in the upright piano to see what happens when the little hammers strike. Festivity Level 4: Your guests, hors d'oeuvre smeared all over their naked bodies are performing a ritual dance around the burning Christmas tree. The piano is missing. You want to keep your party somewhere around level 3, unless you rent your home and own firearms, in which case you can go to level 4. The best way to get to level 3 is lots of egg-nog. |
We Need A New Clock
Just after I got married, I was invited out for a night with the boys. I told the misses that I would be home by midnight... promise! Well, the yarns were being spun and the grog was going down easy, and at around 3 a.m. full as a boot, I went home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock started, and cuckooed 3 times. I realized she'd probably wake up, so I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself, considering my drunken state, to have escaped a possible conflict. The next morning, the misses asked me what time I got in, so I told her 12 o'clock. Whew! Got away with that one! She then said that we needed a new cuckoo clock. When I asked her why, she explained, "Well, it cuckooed 3 times, said 'dang it,' cuckooed another 4 times, farted, cuckooed another 3 times, cleared its throat, cuckooed twice, then giggled." |
From SNL...
http://snltranscripts.jt.org/75/75qnessen.phtml |
Mort Sahl quotes:
MEL GIBSON "A perfect example of how you can go wrong if you love your parents." COSMETICS "There's so much Botox around now that you can't tell when a Jewish girl is angry." COLIN POWELL (after a traffic accident) "I told the driver not to take the turnpike, but I had no influence." MICHAEL EISNER "Say what you will, he made the monorail run on time." SEAN HANNITY "Isn't it possible for them to get a real fascist instead of this guy who plays one on TV?" DIANE SAWYER "If you're really having a run of bad luck, she walks with you in a field." COMEDY "It has changed. It isn't funny anymore." COMEDIANS "They want to wear their AIDS buttons to the Academy Awards to make sure Norman Lear can hire them." PRESIDENT BUSH "He's the face on the can. But who canned that soup?" LIBERALS "God is watching us. If we support someone we don't believe in and say he's electable, then God will make sure he's not elected and hope we do better the next time." |
Headlines 2029
Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia, formerly known as California . White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia's third language. Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock. Baby conceived naturally. Scientists stumped. Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage. Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the American Territory of the Middle East (formerly known as Iraq , Afghanistan , Syria and Lebanon ). Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels. France pleads for global help after being taken over by Jamaica . Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking. George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036. Postal Service raise s price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only. 85-year $75.8 billion study: Diet and Exercise is the key to weight loss. Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs. Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed, they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut. Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative. Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals, violates their civil rights. Average height of NBA players is now nine feet, seven inches. New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2036. Congress authorizes direct deposit of formerly illegal political contributions to campaign accounts. IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent. |
STUPID SPORTS QUOTES
These are actual sports quotes said by various people throughout the world. Oiler coach Bum Phillips: When asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips, Phillips responded, "Because she is too ugly to kiss goodbye." New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season:"I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first." And, upon hearing Joe Jacoby of the 'Skins say "I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl," Matt Millen of the Raiders said, "To win, I'd run over Joe's mom too." Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann 1996: "Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh: "I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes." Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach: "You guys line up alphabetically by height." and "You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle." Clemson recruit Ray Forsythe, who was ineligible as a freshman because of academic requirements: "I play football. I'm not trying to be a professor. The tests don't seem to make sense to me, measuring your brain on stuff I haven't been through in school." Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up again with promoter Don King: "Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton." Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker: "That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my ****ing clothes." Shaquille O'Neal on whether he had visited the Parthenon during his visit to Greece: "I can't really remember the names of the clubs that we went to." Shaquille O'Neal, on his lack of championships: "I've won at every level, except college and pro." Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regime of heavyweight Andrew Golota: "He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning regardless of what time it is." Pat Williams, Orlando Magic general manager, on his team's 7-27 record: "We can't win at home. We can't win on the road.. As general manager, I just can't figure out where else to play." (1992) Chuck Nevitt, North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice: "My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt." (1982) Tommy Lasorda , Dodger manager, when asked what terms Mexican-born pitching sensation Fernando Valenzuela might settle for in his upcoming contract negotiations: "He wants Texas back." (1981) Darrell Royal, Texas football coach, asked if the abnormal number of Longhorn injuries that season resulted from poor physical conditioning: "One player was lost because he broke his nose. How do you go about getting a nose in condition for football?" (1966) Mike McCormack, coach of the hapless Baltimore Colts after the team's co-captain, offensive guard Robert Pratt, pulled a hamstring running onto the field for the coin toss against St. Louis: "I'm Going to send the injured reserve players out for the toss next time." (1981) Steve Spurrier, Florida football coach, telling Gator fans that a fire at Auburn's football dorm had destroyed 20 books: "But the real tragedy was that 15 hadn't been colored yet." (1991) Jim Finks, New Orleans Saints G.M., when asked after a loss what he thought of the refs: "I'm not allowed to comment on lousy officiating." (1986) Alan Kulwicki, stock car racer, on racing Saturday nights as opposed to Sunday afternoons: "It's basically the same, just darker." (1991) Lincoln Kennedy, Oakland Raiders tackle, on his decision not to vote: "I was going to write myself in, but I was afraid I'd get shot." (1996) Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player: "I told him, 'Son, what is it with you. Is it ignorance or apathy?' He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.' " (1991) Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins: "He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings." (1991) Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four F's and one D: "Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject." (1987) |
The year in review, in his own words..."Bushisms" of 2006:
http://www.slate.com/id/76886/ |
I'm Not Hungry!
A woman asks her husband, "Would you like some bacon and eggs? A slice of toast and maybe some grapefruit and coffee?" He declines. "Thanks for asking, but l'm not hungry right now. It’s this Viagra," he says. "it's really taken the edge off my appetite." At lunchtime she asked if he would like something. "A bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?" He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "really trashes my desire for food." Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would you like a juicy rib eye steak and scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?" He declines again. "No," he says, "it's got to be the Viagra...l'm still not hungry." "Well," she says, "Would you mind letting me up? I’m starving." |
Top 59 Mistakes Made by Adolf Hitler
1. Land War in Asia 2. Changed name from highly catchy 'Schickelgruber' to boring 'Hitler' 3. Leaving his little mustache: not growing a friendly Abe Lincoln beard to instill trust among subjects 4. Not buying lifts for his shoes 5. Failure to exploit Me 262 Messerschmidt 6. Failure to exploit Eva Braun 7. Chose swastika as party symbol rather than the daisy 8. Chose Josef Goebels rather than Marlene Dietrich to promote Nazi image 9. Chose "Deutschland Uber Alles" over "Let's All Be There" as party slogan 10. Lost the Ark to Indiana Jones 11. Chose unfashionable blacks and browns rather than trendy plaids and stripes as uniform colors for SS & SA 12. Referring to Stalin as "that old Georgian fat back" 13. Indiscriminate use of V-2 rockets for public fireworks displays 14. Free beer in munitions plants 15. Lisp never corrected 16. Bad toupe 17. Refused to undergo nostril reduction surgery 18. Failed to conquer strategically important Comoros Islands 19. Fell asleep in staff meetings 20. Chose Italy as ally 21. Land War in Asia 22. Got involved with a Sicilian when death was on the line 23. Made pass at Eleanor Roosevelt during 1936 Olympics 24. Built heliport on top of new Reichstag building which looked remarkably like a bullseye from the air 25. Always got Churchill out of bed for conference calls 26. Never had fireside mass rallies 27. Told Einstein he had a stupid name 28. Used SS instead of LAPD 29. Admired Napoleon's strategy 30. Strong fondness for sauerkraut and beans made General Staff avoid him constantly 31. In last days, chose to hide in bunker rather than ask U.S. for a little country place in Hawaii 32. Nightmare involving Pillsbury Doughboy haunted him constantly with war advice 33. Major theme in speeches -- "liebensraum, or "living room" -- widely misperceived as call for domestic architectural reform 34. Failed to revoke Rudolph Hess's pilot licence. 35. Pissed off Jesse Owens at 1936 Olympics 36. Didn't put his brother Billy in the concentration camps. When word got out that Billy was just a beer guzzling fat guy in a small town in Bavaria who grew peanuts it was bad P.R. for Der Fuhrer 37. Breast feeding for too long 38. Passed up Finish "tanks for snowshoes" offer before invasion of USSR 39. Drank to much at Beer Hall Putsch 40. Spent jail time planning how to conquer the world instead of his own escape. 41. Forgot to write "Dear Joey" letter to Stalin before invasion of Poland 42. Blew nose on Operation Barbarossa maps, forcing extemporaneous invasion of Soviet Union 43. Took no steps to keep Neville Chamberline in power 44. Chose the Tirpitz for that weekend of love with Eva in the Fjords 45. Frequently mistaken for Charlie Chaplin due to mustache; undermined credibility (as when he threatened to invade Poland, everyone waited for the punchline) 46. Came off as poor loser when "Triumph of the Will" failed to win Oscar for "best Foreign Documentary" -- "You don't like me" speech undermined image. 47. Used to make prank calls to FDR asking if he had "Prince Albert in a can" 48. Forgot correct interpretation of Nietzche; caused much embarrassment when he used to cite philosophical support for his concept of the "Oberdude" 49. Got drunk on schnapps and suggested Tojo attack the U.S. saying, "The U.S. only has twenty times your industrial power, what are you, a wimp?" 50. Listened to too much Wagner and not enough Peter, Paul and Mary 51. Spent too much on screwdrivers and toilet seats 52. Tried to play football with Axis Lucy who pulled the ball away at the last second 53. Failed to encourage tourism 54. Being born 55. Never did the honorable thing with Eva Braun 56. Alienated Chamberline at Munich by sticking an "Invade me" sign on his back 57. Kept Colonel Klink in command 58. Churchill mistakenly thought "Deutschland Uber Alles" was a veiled threat |
Here's one for you guys!
Two female teachers went on a field trip to the local racetrack (Arlington Park) to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry, but mostly to see the horses. When it was time to take the children to the bathroom it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other. The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal. Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the little boys up one by one holding onto their "wee wees" to direct the flow away from their clothes. As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, "You must be in the 5th grade." No, ma'am," he replied. "I'm the jockey riding Silver Arrow in the seventh. |
The Top 16 Chapters in "Sex for Dummies"
16. Evolution 101: Why Dummies Might Actually Make Poor Sex Partners 15. Troubleshooting for Do-It-Yourselfers (NOTE: Memorize this chapter *before* you go blind.) 14. Oh, God! Yes!! Oh, God! OH, GOD!!!: The Missionary Position 13. Am I a Tab A or a Slot B? 12. Engineering Secrets of the Bra: Removal in 14 Simple Steps 11. The Face: How to Tell Your Lover Apart from All Those Other People 10. Chapter 4: No, You Don't *Actually* Blow 9. Stop Masturbating, She's Real! 8. You're Britney, I'm Strom: Introduction to Role Playing 7. Foreplay: Not Just for Her Birthday, Chester 6. Putting the Condom on a Banana is Just for *Practice*, Dumbass 5. Crouching Doggie and Hidden Missionary: A Guide to Sexual Positions 4. "Alternate" Lifestyles: Pokeman? 3. Hey! Watch Those Teeth, Vampira!! 2. Sexual Physics: The Round Peg/Round Hole Theory and the Number 1 Chapter in "Sex for Dummies"... Chapter 1: Mayor McWeiner and the Clamburglar |
this one is for Balletto.
I'm looking to find her a "perfect husband". How's that for an oxymoron? Here ya go babe.... The Prefect Husband There are several men in the locker room of a private club after exercising. Suddenly a cell phone that was on one of the benches rings. A man picks it up and the following conversation ensues: "Hello?" "Honey, It's me." "Sugar!" "Are you at the club?" "Yes." "Great! I am at the mall 2 blocks from where you are. I saw a beautiful mink coat... It is absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?" "What's the price?" "Only $1,500.00" "Well, OK, go ahead and get, if you like it that much..." "Ahhh and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2007 models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman and he gave me a really good price ... and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year..." "What price did he quote you?" "Only $60,000..." "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options." "Great!, before we hang up, something else..." "What?" "It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and...I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and I saw the house we had looked at last year ... it's on sale!! Remember? The one with a pool, English Garden, acre of park area, beachfront property..." "How much are they asking?" "Only $450,000... a magnificent price, and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover..." "Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just bid $420,000. OK?" "OK, sweetie... Thanks! I'll see you later!! I love you!!!" "Bye... I do too..." The man hangs up, closes the phone's flap and raises his hand while holding the phone and asks to all those present: "Does anyone know who this phone belongs to?" |
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