In the Confessional

An old man went into confession and told the priest: "Father,I`m 81 married with six children and 13 grandchildren. Last night i had an affair and made love to two 18-year-old girls.Twice."
"I see," said the priest. "When was the last time you were in confession?"
"Never,Father", replied the old man. "I`m Jewish"
"So why are you telling me?"
"I`m telling everybody!"

A condom
Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Maude: What in the hell is that?

Mabel: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Maude: Where did you get it?

Mabel: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.

"Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel."

Stiff Neck

A man was walking down the street when he noticed his grandpa sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down. "Grandpa, what are you doing?" he exclaimed.

The old man looked off in the distance and did not answer him. "Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" he asked again.

The old man slyly looked at him and said, "Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This was your Grandma's idea!"

Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out. Both were very faithful and loving wives, however, they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers. Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery. One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them. Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them. She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that. After the girls did their business they proceeded to go home.

The next day one of the women's husbands was con cerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said, "These girls nights out have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst... My wife came home with no panties!!"

"That's nothing" said the other husband, "Mine came back with a card stuck to her butt that said.....

'From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you... '

A man goes to Victoria Secret to buy his wife the most sheer lingerie he can find. The woman behind the counter goes and gets an outfit. "This is $200," she says.

"I want one thats more sheer," says he. "This one is $350."

"I want it even more sheer than that.""This one is the most sheer that we have. Its $500.""Ill take it!"The man goes home to his wife and shows it to her,saying,"Go put this on and come down to model it for me."

His wife goes upstairs, opens the box and thinks, "This thing is so see-through that the old coot wont even notice if Im wearing it or not. I can take this back for a refund and he wont know the difference."

So his wife comes out wearing nothing at all and strikes a pose at the top of the stairs. "So, how do you like it?" she asks.

"Damn, you'd think for $500 they'd iron it!"

I don't live in the South...but some of these fit me too.
Love bein' a redneck.



1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.
2. You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a fly
swatter.
3. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
4. You burn your yard rather than mow it.
5. You think "The Nutcracker" is something you do off the high dive.
6. The Salvation Army declines your furniture.
7. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't
want it.
8. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.
9. You come back from the dump with more than you took.
10. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
11. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
12.. Your grandmother has "ammo" on her Christmas list.
13. You keep flea and tick soap in the shower.
14. You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
15. You go to the stock car races and don't need a program.
16. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.
17. You have a rag for a gas cap.
18. Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.
19. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.
20. You can spit without opening your mouth.
21. You consider your license plate personalized because your father
made it.
22. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
23. You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say "Cool Whip"
on the
side.
24. The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart.
25. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.
26. You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.
27. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does $100,000 worth of
improvements.
28. You've used a toilet brush to scratch your back.
29. You missed your 5th grade graduation because you were on jury duty.
30. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65.

Tickle Me Elmo

A new employee is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory. The personnel manager explains her duties, and tells her to report to work promptly at 8:00 AM.

The next day at 8:45AM, there's a knock at the personnel manager's door. The assembly line foreman comes in and starts ranting about this new employee.

He says she's incredibly slow, and the whole line is backing up. The foreman takes the personnel manager down to the factory floor to show him the problem.

Sure enough, Elmos are backed up all over the place. At the end of the line is the new employee. She has a roll of the material used for the Elmos and a big bag of marbles. They both watch as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles, and starts sewing the little package between Elmo's legs.

The personnel manager starts laughing hysterically. After several minutes, he pulls himself together, walks over to the woman, and says, "I'm sorry, I guess you misunderstood me yesterday. Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles."

I DON'T KNOW IF ANYONE POSTED THIS ONE YET, BUT IT DOES MAKE ME GIGGLE.



Recently, a large corporation hired several cannibals to increase their diversity.

You are all part of our team now," said the Human Resources rep during the welcoming briefing. "You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, but please don't eat any employees."

The cannibals promised they would not.

Four weeks later their boss remarked, "You're all working very hard and I'm satisfied with your work. We have noticed a marked increase in the whole company's performance. However, one of our secretaries has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?"

The cannibals all shook their heads, "No."

After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others, "Which one of you idiots ate the secretary?" A hand rose hesitantly.

"You fool!" the leader continued. "For four weeks we've been eating managers and no one noticed anything. But NOOOooooo, you had to go and eat someone who actually does something."

What do you do if you are locked in a room with a terrorist, a serial killer, and a lawyer and you have a gun with only two bullets?















Shoot the lawyer twice!!!!!!!!!!!!

Nice one,DTS! I'm gonna save this one for friends! too funny:)

Good you liked it. I didn't find one today, but I liked Oracle's lawyer joke.
Stay tuned for tomorrow.

Mother, My Name?

A little Indian boy was alone with his mother.
My dear mother, can you answer some questions?
Sure, my little son.
Well, my older brother, Storm Thunder...how did you find his name?
That's a special night I'll never forget. Your father and I were in our tipi while a storm raged outside. There was lots of lightning and thunder. Nine moons later, Storm Thunder was born.

And my sister, Corn Blossom...how did you find her name?
That was a special day. I'll never forget the day your father and I were working together in the corn field. The sun was hot. The corn plants were growing. Your father got a "look" in his eyes. Nine moons later, Corn Blossom was born.

Why do you ask these questions, Broken Rubber?

Quotes......

Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships."
-- Sharon Stone

"My girlfriend always laughs during sex---no matter what she's reading."
-- Steve Jobs (Founder: Apple Computers)

"I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with "Guess" on it. I said, "Thyroid problem?"
-- Arnold Schwarzenegger

"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps."
-- Tiger Woods

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."
-- Jack Nicholson

"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."
- Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady, and you didn't think Barbara had a sense of humor)

"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."
-- Robin Williams

"Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself."
-- Roseanne

"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place."
-- Billy Crystal

"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful."
-- Robert DE Niro

"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?"
-- Dustin Hoffman

"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked."
-- Jerry Seinfeld

"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house."
-- Rod Stewart

"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time."
-- Robin Williams

DTS: At least our senses of humor don't clash! This list is laugh-out-loud funny! Great job

Timm,
I smiled when you said that.
When we laugh, we find something very wonderful that we have in common.
Glad you enjoyed.
DTS

ps...the Tiger Woods one was for GPK.

2 guys work together for 30 years. (I'll call them Kev and Tim) One day Kev comes in to the office and tells Tim he has decided to retire and move to the mountains and follow his dream. So off in the sunset Kev goes.....Well about a year goes by and Tim decides he's going to pay Kev a visit...So he gets in his car and drives to the farm that Kev purchased with his retirement $$$. After some light conversation Kev's excitement can't be held back anymore...he tells Tim to come out to the barn with him so he could show him what he had been working on.....the conversation goes like this....

Tim - "What are you doing with all these crates of fruit out here Kev?"

Kev - "I have been working on the most amazing thing Tim," Kev reaches into one of the crates and says, "here Tim try this apple."

Tim - "man that's a really good apple Kev"

Kev - "now turn it around Tim and taste the other side."

Tim takes a bite from the other side and is astonished...he says "Kev!! that tastes just like a banana!"

Kev - "Here Tim try this orange."

Tim - "Now that's a good orange"

Kev - "Turn it around Tim"

Tim - "Why that tastes just like a grapefruit...how in the world do you do this Kev?"

Kev - "Wait you haven't seen anything yet" so he pulls out a piece of fruit from another crate and hands it to Tim

Tim - "That is one good looking peach Kev"

Kev - "That's not a peach Tim, I developed a fruit that tastes just like a woman. Go ahead give it try...

So Tim takes a bite, jumps back, throws the peach down, spits 3 or 4 times and yells at Kev.."That tastes like sh*t"

Kev - "Turn it around!"

Funny,Sam, I'll need licensing fees, though!:)

Last friday, i was driving down the freeway when i saw the blue flashing lights behind me. After about a mile, i decided to pull over. The traffic cop gets out of his car and walks over to mine.

"Sir", he says, "we have been following you for over a mile now doing 90mph". " It's friday night at 5pm, i've had a long day and just about to sign off from duty". "I really don't need this paperwork now, so if you can give me a valid reason as to why you were doing 90mph on the freeway, that i've never heard before, i will let you go".

"Well, officer" i said. " Six years ago, my bitch of a wife ran off with a traffic cop, and i just thought you were trying to return her ".

"Have a good evening sir".

Subject: NOAH IN 2006

In the year 2006, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now
living in the United States, and said, "Once again,
the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I
see the end of all flesh before me.

Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing
along with a few good humans."

He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, "You have 6
months to build the Ark before I will start the
unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah
weeping in his yard - but no Ark.

"Noah!" He roared , "I'm about to start the rain!
Where is the Ark?"

"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have
changed. I needed a building permit. I've been arguing
with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler
system. My neighbors claim that I've violated the
neighborhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my
yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to
go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision.

Then the Department of Transportation demanded a bond
be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and
other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move
to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming
to us, but they would hear nothing of it.

Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees
in order to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists
that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!

When I started gathering the animals, an animal rights
group sued me. They insisted that I was confining wild animals
against their will. They argued the accommodation was
too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put
so many animals in a confined space.

Then the EPA ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until
they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your
proposed flood.

I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human
Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed
to hire for my building crew.

Immigration and Naturalization are checking the
green-card status of most of the people who want to
work.

The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist
I have to hire only Union workers with Ark-building
experience.

To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets,
claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.

So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10
years for me to finish this Ark."

Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine,
and a rainbow stretched across the sky. Noah looked
up in wonder and asked, "You mean you're not going to
destroy the world?"

"No," said the Lord. "The government beat me to it."

An old Indian Chief sat in his hut on the reservation, smoking a ceremonial pipe and eyeing two US Government officials sent to interview him.

"Chief Two Eagles", asked one official, "You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his material wealth. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done."

The chief nodded in agreement.

The official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?"

The chief stared at the government officials for over a minute and then calmly replied,

"When white man found the land, Indians were running it.
1. No taxes
2. No debt
3. Plenty buffalo
4. Plenty beaver
5. Women did all the work
6. Medicine man free
7. Indian man spent all day hunting and fishing, all night having sex."

Then the chief leaned back and smiled, "Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that."