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Boating issues
It was a the end of the day for the boaters on a small lake. One boat had not returned. The dock master could see the boat on the water. He calls out "Boat number 91, it's time to return to the dock!" His boss hears him call out to boat 91. The boss says to the dock master, "We don't have a boat number 91." At that, the dock master pauses, then turns to the boat on the water and calls out, "Boat number 16, do you have a problem?" |
Crowd Control (Repent, been to Denver lately?)
An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in Denver, Colorado, for being smart and funny and making her point when confronted with an angry passenger. During the final days at Denver's old Stapleton airport, a crowded United flight was canceled. A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS." The agent replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out." The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "Do you have any idea who I am?" Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have your attention please?" she began, her voice bellowing throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at the gate WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to the gate." With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore, "F--- you!" Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to stand in line for that, too." The crowd applauded - and the errors of United were forgotten in a moment of almost universal bliss. |
Fire truck
A firefighter is working on an engine outside the station, when he notices a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The girl is wearing a firefighter's helmet. The wagon is being pulled by her dog and her cat. The firefighter walks over to take a closer look. "That sure is a nice fire truck," the fire fighter says with admiration. "Thanks," the girl says. The firefighter looks a little closer and notices the girl has tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles. "Little partner," the firefighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar too, I think you could go faster." The little girl replies thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren." |
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How goes?? If I annoyed ya...sorry. Don't know,,,but apologies all around. |
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Hate is something I don't give time to "rent space in my head". Carry on...I'll try to find a better one tomorrow. |
Not really funny, but worth knowing in case you're ever asked.
Are You Know Everything ? The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing. Los Angeles' full name is "El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina de los Angeles de Porciuncula". The average person falls asleep in seven minutes. You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching television. A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes. Honey is the only food that doesn't spoil. The longest one-syllable word in the English language is "screeched". On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament building is an American flag. "I am." is the shortest complete sentence in the English language. |
A traveling salesman arrives at a farmhouse and asks to spend the night.
The farmer agrees but on one condition. "We don't have any extra rooms so you'll have to sleep with my son." The salesman says, "hold on a minute...I think I'm in the wrong joke." |
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Did you ever resond to these questions that the kids asked you? Children's Letters to God Dear GOD, Who draws the lines around the countries? -Nan Dear GOD, What does it mean You are a Jealous God? I thought You had everything. -Jane Dear GOD, In school they told us what You do. Who does it when You are on vacation? -Jane Dear GOD, Are you really invisible or is that just a trick? -Lucy Dear GOD, Is it true my father won't get in Heaven if he uses his bowling words in the house? -Anita Dear GOD, Did you mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it an accident? -Norma Dear GOD, Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones, why don't You just keep the ones You have now? -Jane Dear GOD, I went to this wedding and they kissed right in church. Is that okay? -Neil Dear GOD, Did you really mean "do unto others as they do unto you"? Because if you did, then I'm going to fix my brother! -Darla Dear GOD, Thank you for the baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy. -Joyce Dear GOD, It rained for our whole vacation and is my father mad! He said some things about You that people are not supposed to say, but I hope You will not hurt him anyway. Your friend (But I am not going to tell you who I am) Dear GOD, Why is Sunday school on Sunday? I thought it was supposed to be our day of rest. -Tom L. Dear GOD, Please send me a pony. I never asked for anything before, You can look it up. -Bruce Dear GOD, If You give me a genie lamp like Aladdin, I will give you anything you want except my money or my chess set. -Raphael Dear GOD, My brother is a rat. You should give him a tail. Ha ha. -Danny Dear GOD, Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they had their own rooms. It works with my brother. -Larry Dear GOD, I want to be just like my Daddy when I get big but not with so much hair all over. -Sam Dear GOD, I think the stapler is one of your greatest inventions. -Ruth M. Dear GOD, I bet it is very hard for You to love all of everybody in the whole world. There are only 4 people in our family and I can never do it. -Nan Dear GOD, If You watch me in church Sunday, I'll show You my new shoes. -Mickey D. Dear GOD, I would like to live 900 years like the guy in the Bible. Love, Chris Dear GOD, We read Thomas Edison made light. But in school they said You did it. So I bet he stoled your idea. Sincerely, Donna |
In case you didn't know....
What's the difference between a wife, a nympho, and a hooker? The nympho says, "You're done already?" The hooker says, "Are you done yet?" And the wife says, "Beige, I think I'll paint the ceiling beige." |
Horse Country
A man walked into a cowboy bar and ordered a beer just as President G W Bush appeared on the television. After a few sips, he looked up at the television and mumbled, "Now, there's the biggest horse's as s I've ever seen." A customer at the end of the bar quickly stood up, walked over to him, and decked him. A few minutes later, as the man was finishing his beer, Laura Bush appeared on the television. "She's a horse's as s too," the man. This time, a customer at the other end of the bar quickly stood up, walked over to him, and knocked him off his stool. "Damn it!" the man said, climbing back up to the bar. "This must be Bush country!" "Nope," the bartender replied. "Horse country!" |
Various important philosophical Questions
Why is it only drug dealers and software developers call their clients 'users'? Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra? Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery? How is it possible to have a civil war? If God dropped acid, would he see people? If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too? If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry? If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done? Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids"? Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them? Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song? Where are we going? And what's with this handbasket? If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of the stuff? Why is there an expiration date on sour cream? If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes? I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said, "If I tell you, it would defeat the purpose. If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they still working? Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims? If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap? Why do psychics have to ask you for your name? OK, so what's the speed of dark? |
From my favorite Jewish humor site...
The Philosopher A young man was going to evening classes in philosophy to improve his education and when he came home his father always asked him what he'd learned. "This evening we talked about Einstein and the Theory of Relativity" "Voos is doos der Theory of Relativity?" "Well it shows that everything is relative. If you were sitting on a hot stove for five minutes it would seem like an hour, but if you were making love to a beautiful woman for an hour it would seem like five minutes." The old man thought for a minute. "And from this Einstein makes a living" |
The Children of Israel
Mr. Goldblatt," announced little Joey, "there's somethin' I can't figger out." "What's that Joey?" asked Goldblatt. "Well accordin' to the Bible, the Children of Israel crossed the Red Sea, right?" "Right." "An' the Children of Israel beat up the Phillistines, right?" "Er--right." "An' the Children of Israel built the Temple, right?" "Again you're right." "An' the Children of Israel fought the 'gyptians, an' the Children of Israel fought the Romans, an' the Children of Israel wuz always doin' somethin' important, right?" "All that is right, too," agreed Goldblatt. "So what's your question?" "What I wanna know is this," demanded Joey. "What wuz allthe grown-ups doin?" |
Dearly Departed
A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?" The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?" The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied..."My wife's first husband." |
God's Creation
Grandpa and granddaughter were sitting talking when she asked, "Did God made you, Grandpa?" "Yes, God made me," the grandfather answered. A few minutes later, the little girl asked him, "Did God make me, too?" "Yes, He did," the older man answered. For a few minutes, the little girl seemed to be studying her grandpa, as well as her own reflection in the mirror, while her grandfather wondered what was running through her mind. At last she spoke up. "You know, Grandpa," she said, "God's doing a lot better job lately." |
A husband had just finished reading a new book entitled You Can Be the Man of Your House.
He stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up to his wife. Pointing a finger in her face, he said sternly, "From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is law! You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert. After dinner you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want. After that, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then you will massage my feet and hands. Then after that's done, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?" The wife replied, "The ****in' funeral director would be my guess." Hee hee... |
True Love
A man was walking across the road when he was struck by a car. The impact was on his head which caused him to be comatose for two days before he finally regained consciousness. When he opened his eyes, his wife was there beside him. He held her hand and said meaningfully: "You have always been beside me. When I was a struggling university student, I failed again and again. You were always there beside me, encouraging me to go on trying". She squeezed his hands as he continued. "When I went for all the major interviews and failed to clinch any of the jobs, you were there beside me, cutting out more ads for me to apply..." He continued, "Then I started work at this little firm and finally got to handle a big contract. I blew it because of one little mistake. And you were there beside me. Then I finally got another job after being laid off for some time. But I never seem to be promoted and my hard work was not recognized. As such, I remained in the same position from the day I joined the company till now. And you were there beside me". Her eyes brimmed with tears as she listened to her husband. "And now I had an accident and when I woke up, you were here beside me........There's something I'd really like to say to you..." She flung herself on the bed to hug her husband, sobbing with emotion. He said..., " I think you really bring me bad luck.." |
RIP Grampa
On hearing that her elderly grandfather had passed away, Jenny rushed to her grandmother's side. When she asked the particulars of her grandfather's death, her grandmother explained, "He had a heart attack during sex on Sunday morning." Horrified, Jenny suggested sex at age 94 was surely asking for trouble. "Oh, no," her grandmother replied. "We had sex every Sunday morning, in time with the church bells - in with the dings and out with the dongs." She paused and wiped away a tear. "If it hadn't been for that ice cream truck going past, he'd still be alive." |
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That "sentence" has gotten me in to trouble more than once. Good to see that others are reading the "jokes"..over 1800 looks. Ya know, I do this cause it's something I think all folks like...to laugh. Same reason I post a recipe in the cook book...we all like to eat too. Celeb matches...are we all a bit curious too? I do, and I am. |
The pig with a wooden leg
A rabbi is driving down a country road one day and sees a pig in an open field with a wooden leg. Taken aback by his curiosity, he pulls into the driveway of a farm just up the road and rings the doorbell. A farmer answers the door and greets the rabbi. "Hello there, Mr. Bearded Man.May I help you?" asks the farmer. "Yes you may", says the rabbi. "I couldn't help but notice that you have a pig with a wooden leg out in your field. What's up with that?" "Listen", says the farmer. "That is one great pig. One day I was plowing my field and my tractor turned over right on top of me. That pig came over and pulled me out from underneath the mess and saved my life." "That's great" said the rabbi, "but what's with the wooden leg?" "Listen" says the farmer, "one night a fire started in our kitchen while my family was sleeping. That pig came over to the house, knocked on the window with his nose, woke us up, and saved my whole family. That is one great pig." "Yes" said the rabbi, now growing a bit frustrated. "I see this is one great pig. But again, what's with the wooden leg?" "Oh" says the farmer. "The wooden leg?..... well....a great pig like that.....you can't eat him all at once." |
Well, Kenny the rooster costs a lot of money, but the
farmer decides he'd be worth it. So, he buys Kenny. The farmer takes Kenny home and sets him down in the barnyard, first giving the rooster a pep talk. I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money. Consequently, I'll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some fun," the farmer said, with a chuckle. Kenny seemed to understand, so the farmer pointed toward the hen house and Kenny took off like a shot. WHAM! Kenny nails every hen in the hen house, the farmer is completely shocked! After that, the farmer hears a commotion in the duck pen, sure enough, Kenny is in there. Later, the farmer sees Kenny after a flock of geese, down by the lake. Once again - WHAM! He gets all the geese. By sunset he sees Kenny out in the fields chasing quail and pheasants. The farmer is distraught and worried that his expensive rooster won't even last 24 hours. Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next day, to find Kenny on his back, stone cold in the middle of the yard with vultures circling overhead. The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful and expensive animal, shakes his head and says, "Oh, Kenny, I told you to pace yourself and I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself." Kenny opens one eye, nods toward the vultures circling in the sky and says, "Shhh, they're getting closer". |
Two quick and easy to remember jokes:
How do stop a dog from humping your leg? Pick him up and blow him! When is it ok to spit in an Italian womans face? When her mustache is on fire! |
An 80 year old man went for his annual check-up and the Doctor said "Friend, for your age, you're in the best shape I've seen." The old fella replied, "Yep. It comes from clean living. I know for sure that I live a good, clean, spiritual life." The Doctor ask him, "What makes you say that?" The old man replied, "If I didn't live a good, clean life, the Lord wouldn't turn the bathroom lights on for me everytime I get up in the middle of the night." The Doc was concerned, "You mean, when you get up in the night to go to the bathroom, the Lord himself turns the light on for you?" "Yep," the old man said, "whenever I get up to go to the bathroom, the Lord turns the light on for me." Well, the Doctor didn't say anything else, but when the old man's wife came in for her check-up, he felt he had to let her know what her husband said. "Your husband's in fine physical shape, but I'm worried about his mental condition. He told me that every night when he gets up to go to the bathroom, the Lord turns the light on for him. " "He What?" She cried. "He said that every night when he gets up to go to the bathroom, the Lord turns the light on for him." "AHA!!" She exclaimed.......... "So he's the one who's been peeing in the fridge!"
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Chinese Jews
Jewish man went to eat at a Chinese restaurant and started to wonder if there were any Chinese Jews. So, when the waiter came over to take his order, he asked, "Pardon me, but I'd like to know if there are any Chinese Jews?" The waiter said, "I no know. I go to kitchen and ask manager." After taking his order, the waiter went to the kitchen and returned in a few minutes. He explained to the man, "No. No Chinese Jews. We have orange Jews, tomato Jews, grape Jews, and pineapple Jews, but no Chinese Jews." |
I found this beautiful winter poem and thought it might
be a comfort to you. It was to me, and it's very well written. I hope you enjoy it because it's the best piece of English literature I've seen in quite a while.... Try to memorize this poem by next December..... " WINTER " a poem by Abigail Elizabeth McIntyre ****, It's Cold! |
Fart football
The old folks no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and Says,"Seven Points." His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?" The old man replied, "It's fart football." A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says" Touchdown, tie score." After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, "Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7." Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, "Touchdown, tie score." Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, "Field goal, I lead 17 to 14." Now the pressures on the old man. He refuses to get beat by a woman, so he strains real hard. Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally poops in the bed. The wife says, "What the hell was that?" The old man says, "Half time, switch sides." |
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This one is for my Jewish friends that will celebrate Hanukkah on Friday at sundown.
Hanukkah at the Deli During the first day of Hanukkah, two elderly Jewish men were sitting in a wonderful deli frequented almost exclusively by Jews in New York City. They were talking amongst themselves in Yiddish - the colorful language of Jews who came over from Eastern Europe A Chinese waiter, only one year in New York, came up and in fluent impeccable Yiddish asked them if everything was okay and if they were enjoying the holiday. The Jewish men were dumbfounded. “Where did he ever learn such perfect Yiddish?” they both thought. After they paid the bill they asked the restaurant manager, an old friend of theirs, “Where did our waiter learn such fabulous Yiddish?” The manager looked around and leaned in so no one else will hear and said... “Shhhh. He thinks we're teaching him English.” |
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Cajun,
Women know...men don't. Here's another bit of Jewish humor... A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because he is not sure if sex is work or play. So he goes to a priest and asks for his opinion on this question. After consulting the bible, the priest says, " My son, after an exhaustive search, I am positive that sex is work and is therefore not permitted on Sundays. "The man thinks: " What does a priest know about sex?" So he goes to a minister, who after all is a married man and experienced in this matter. He queries the minister and receives the same reply. Sex is work and therefore not for the Sabbath! Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out the ultimate authority: a man of thousands of years tradition and knowledge. In other words, he goes to a rabbi. The Rabbi ponders the question, then states, "My son, sex is definitely play." The man replies, "Rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others tell me sex is work?" The Rabbi softly speaks, "If sex were work, my wife would have the maid do it." |
Chili
A guy walks into a diner and asks for a bowl of chili. The waitress says, "The guy next to you got the last bowl." So, he gets a cup of coffee instead. Then he sees that the guy next to him has finished his meal, but the chili bowl is still full. He asks, "Are you going to eat that?" The other guy says, "No. You can have it." The guy takes it and starts to eat it. When he gets about half way down, he sees a dead mouse in it, and he pukes the chili back into the bowl. The other guy says, "That's about as far as I got, too." |
The lqast one was a bit gross. This one is "cute".
Math A little boy was doing his math homework: He said to himself, "Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine...." His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?" The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom." "And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked. "Yes," he answered. Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in math?" The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition." The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?" After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four." |
While looking for a recipe to put in the Derby Trail cookbook, I came across these. I honestly have no clue....
Foreign Menus The following are items found overseas in which people have made inappropriate use of English words for various products, and bizarre menu items in restaurants: Menu Items: Beef rashers beaten up in the country peoples fashion - Poland Boiled Frogfish - Europe Buttered saucepans and fried hormones - Japan **** in wine/Lioness cutlet - Cairo Cold shredded children and sea blubber in spicy sauce - China Dreaded veal cutlet with potatoes in cream - China French Creeps - L.A. French fried ships - Cairo Fried fishermen - Japan Fried friendship - Nepal Garlic Coffee - Europe Goose Barnacles - Spain Indonesian Nazi Goreng - Hong Kong Muscles Of Marines/Lobster Thermos - Cairo Pork with fresh garbage - Vietnam Prawn **** and tail - Cairo Rainbow Trout, Fillet Streak, Popotoes, Chocolate Mouse - Hong Kong Roasted duck let loose - Poland Sole Bonne Femme (Fish Landlady style) - Europe Strawberry crap - Japan Sweat from the trolley - Europe Teppan Yaki, Before Your Cooked Right Eyes - Japan Toes with butter and jam - Bali |
The Hannukah Sweater
A man received two sweaters for Hanukkah from his mother. The next time he visited her, he made sure to wear one of the two sweaters. As he entered her home, instead of the expected smile, she said, "What's the matter? You didn't, like the other one?" |
How a Christmas tradition began...
One particular Christmas a long time ago, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip... but there were problems everywhere. Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule. Then, Mrs. Claus told him that her Mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more. Then when he went to harness the Reindeer, he found three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress. Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground, and scattered the toys. So, frustrated, Santa went back into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had hid the liquor and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from. Just then, the doorbell rang and Santa cussed his way to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas Tree. The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas Santa. Isn't it just a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you, Isn't it just a lovely tree? Where would you like me to stick it?" Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas Tree |
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