Two bees met in a field. One said to the other,
'How are things going?'

'Really bad,' said the second bee.
'The weather has been cold, wet and
damp, and there aren't any flowers,
so I can't make honey.

'No problem,' said the first bee,
'Just fly down five blocks and turn left.
Keep going until you see all the cars.
There's a Bar Mitzvah going on and there are
all kinds of fresh flowers and fresh fruit.'

'Thanks for the tip,' said the second bee, and flew away.
A few hours later the two bees ran into each other again.

The first bee asked, 'How'd it go?'

'Great!' said the second bee.
'It was everything you said it would be.
There was plenty of fruit and, oh, such huge
floral arrangements on every table.

'Uh, what's that thing on your head?' asked the first bee.

'That's my yarmulke,' said the second bee.
'I didn't want them to think I was a wasp.

A man comes home and tells his wife he got a tattoo.

Looking worried the wife asks, "where?"

With that the man pulls down his pants to show her he got a $100 dollar bill tattooed on his penis.

Startled she says, "what the hell did you do that for?"

The man responds, "I like to hold my money. I like to play with my money. I like to watch my money grow and anytime you want to blow a hundred bucks you don't have to leave the house anymore."

This husband and wife were on a their honeymoon in Jamacia. As a sign of his love for his new bride, he decided to get her name "Wendy" tattooed on penis. She was overcome with emotion at the thought.

A few days after the procedure, the couple was at one of Jamacia's finest eating establishments, when the husband excused himself to go to the restroom. While standing at the urinal, he noticed a big strapping native next to him. He happened to glimpse down and saw "W" and "Y" on his member as well.

Proudly displaying his new tattoo, the guy says "My wife's name is Wendy too"

With a chuckle, the Jamacian replies "My tattoo says: Welcome to Jamacia mon, have a nice day."

..

marriage license:

http://shitmyself.com/70344_marriagelicense.jpg

A bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween Party.
He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his
Leg, So he writes to a costume company to explain his problem.

A few days later he received a parcel with the following note:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit.. The spotted handkerchief will
cover your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will be just right
as a pirate.

Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.

The man thinks this is terrible because they have emphasized his
Wooden Leg and so he writes a letter of complaint. A week goes by and he
Receives another parcel and a note, which says:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a monk's costume.. The long robe will cover your
Wooden leg and, with your bald head, you should really look the part.

Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.

Now the man is really upset since they have gone from emphasizing his
Wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head, so again he writes the
Company another nasty letter of complaint..

The next day he gets a small Parcel and a note, which reads:

Dear Sir,
We have TRIED our very BEST
Please find enclosed a bottle of molasses and a bag of crushed nuts.
Pour the molasses over your bald head, pat on crushed nuts, stick your
Wooden Leg up your ass and go as a caramel apple.

Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of

money," Mike replies

"There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it.

It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars - A lot cheaper than a doctor."

So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart.

He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.. Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart."

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample from himself for good measure.

Joe hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)

2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)

3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit.. Get her into rehab.

4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.

5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!

Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart

During an IRS audit, the auditor looked at the tax payer and exclaimed...

... "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable."

"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Ralph. "How about a demonstration?"

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, "Okay. Go ahead."

Ralph says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye."

The auditor thinks a moment and says, "No way! It's a bet."

Ralph removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops. Ralph says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye."

The auditor can tell Ralph isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Ralph removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Ralph's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

"Want to go double or nothing?" Ralph asks. "I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between."

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this guy can manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Ralph stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, and urinates all over the desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Ralph's attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

"Are you okay?" the auditor asks.

"Not really," says the attorney. "This morning, when Ralph told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it."

Not a joke with a punch line but funny stuff:

Random Thoughts for the Day:

1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer's history if you die.

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

7. Map Quest needs to start their directions on #5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my damn neighborhood.

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

10. Bad decisions make good stories.

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.

13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to the ten-page paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.

14. "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this -- ever.

15. I hate it when I miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Damn it!)but when I immediately call back it rings nine times and goes to voicemail.. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?

16. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day.. What a waste.

17. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

18. My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day "Dad what would happen if you ran over a ninja?" How the hell do I respond to that?

19. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

20. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay

not a joke, but funny

Return of the Pink Panther

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mQAMv...ayer_embedded#

I was standing in the park wondering why frisbees got bigger as they get closer. Then it hit me.



What do you call a psychic midget that escaped from prison? A small medium at large.






God: An invisible friend for adults






Imagine there were no hypothetical situations.

A Mexican woodpecker and a Canadian woodpecker were in Mexico arguing about which country had the toughest trees. The Mexican woodpecker claimed Mexico had a tree that no woodpecker could peck.



The Canadian woodpecker accepted his challenge and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem. The Mexican woodpecker was amazed.

The Canadian woodpecker then challenged the Mexican woodpecker to peck a tree in Canada that was absolutely 'impeccable' (a term frequently used by woodpeckers ). The Mexican woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it and accepted the challenge.

The two of them flew to Canada where the Mexican woodpecker successfully pecked the so-called 'impeccable' tree almost without breaking a sweat.

Both woodpeckers were now terribly confused. How is it that the Canadian woodpecker was able to peck the Mexican tree, and the Mexican woodpecker was able to peck the Canadian tree, yet neither was able to peck the tree in their own country?

After much woodpecker pondering, they both came to the same conclusion: Apparently, Tiger Woods was right when he said, your pecker gets harder when you're away from home

Little Johnny
 

It is near the Christmas break of the school year. The students
have turned in all their work and there is really nothing
more to do. All the children are restless and the teacher
decides to have an early dismissal.

Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask,
first and correctly can leave early today."

Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says,
"Abraham Lincoln."
Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."

Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.

Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."
Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."

Johnny is even madder than before.
Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"

Before Johnny can open his
mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."
Teacher: "That's right Nancy, you may also leave."

Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the questions.

When the teacher turns her back Johnny says,
"I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut!"

The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?"

Johnny: "TIGER WOODS. CAN I GO NOW?"

Guy goes into a bar and there's a robot bartender.
The robot says "What will you have? The guy says "Martini" The robot brings the guy the greatest Martini ever and says to the man "what's your IQ? Guy says
168. The robot then proceeds to talk about space exploration,physics and medical technology.
The guy leaves,but he is curious. He goes back into the bar. The robot says
"what will you have"? Guy says "Martini" the robot brings him another great martini and asks him "what's your IQ? Guy says 100, so the robot starts to discuss NASCAR,Budweiser and John Deere tractors.
The guy leaves, but finds this very interesting. Guy goes back into bar,orders
another Martini. Robot asks him "What's your IQ"? Guys says "Oh, about 50"
The robot leans in closer and says "So, you people still happy you voted for Obama?"

The Postal Service created a stamp with President Obama on it and noticed
the stamp wasn't sticking to the envelopes. This enraged the President and He demanded a full investigation. After a month of congressional testing and
1.73 million in congressional spending, a special Presidential commission presented the following findings: 1) the stamp is in perfect order 2) There is nothing wrong with the glue. 3) People are spitting on the wrong side of it

A husband and wife are shopping in their local
Wal-Mart. The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and
puts it in their cart.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.

'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,' he replies.

'Put them back, we can't afford them,' demands the wife,
and so they carry on shopping.

A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar
of face cream and puts it in the basket.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.

'Its my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,'
replies the wife.

Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's
half the price.'

On the PA system: 'Cleanup on aisle 25, we have a husband
down.'

a little late
 

A Mexican woodpecker and a Canadian woodpecker were in Mexico arguing about which country had the toughest trees. The Mexican woodpecker claimed Mexico had a tree that no woodpecker could peck.

The Canadian woodpecker accepted his challenge and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem. The Mexican woodpecker was amazed.
The Canadian woodpecker then challenged the Mexican woodpecker to peck a tree in Canada that was absolutely 'impeccable' (a term frequently used by woodpeckers ). The Mexican woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it and accepted the challenge.

The two of them flew to Canada where the Mexican woodpecker successfully pecked the so-called 'impeccable' tree almost without breaking a sweat.

Both woodpeckers were now terribly confused. How is it that the Canadian woodpecker was able to peck the Mexican tree, and the Mexican woodpecker was able to peck the Canadian tree, yet neither was able to peck the tree in their own country?

After much woodpecker pondering, they both came to the same conclusion: Apparently, Tiger Woods was right, when he said, your pecker gets harder when you're away from home.

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories. As the day went on, the teacher noticed Timmy sitting quietly in the back of the class.

"Timmy, do you have a story?"

"Yes, ma'am, my daddy told me this story about my Uncle Bob. Uncle Bob was a pilot in Vietnam and his plane got hit. He had to bail out over enemy territory and all he had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete. He drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then he landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. He killed seventy of them with the machine gun until he ran out of bullets, then he killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke and then he killed the last ten with his bare hands."

"Good heavens, what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"

"Don't F--K with Uncle Bob when he's been drinking."

:tro:

The Black Bra (as told by a woman)

I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends.
One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+ years.

We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door
Wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to
exchange notes..

Here's how it all went.

My engaged friend:
The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos
and a mask.
He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams.
I love you.' Then we made passionate love all nightlong.

The mistress:
Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only
the black bra, heels and
Mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and
we had wild sex all night.

Then I had to share my story:
When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra,
Black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes.
When he came in the door and saw me he said,


"What's for dinner, Zorro?"

I was so depressed last night thinking about Health Care Plans, the economy, the wars, lost jobs, savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc... I called Lifeline, the suicide help line.
Got a freakin' call center in Pakistan. I told them I was suicidal. They all got excited and asked if I could drive a truck...

A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology that was explaining the phenomenon of mixed emotions.
The husband turned to his wife and said, "Honey, that's a bunch of bullshit. I bet you can't tell me anything that will make me happy and sad at the same time."
She said, "Out of all your friends, you have the biggest penis."

Don Cherry, of 'Hockey Night in Canada',was asked on a local live radio talk show just what he thought about the allegations of torture of suspected terrorists. His reply prompted his ejection from the studio, but a thunderous applause from the audience.

He said, "If hooking up one raghead terrorists testicles to a car battery gets the truth out and saves just one Canadian life, then I have only three things to say......Red is positive, black is negative and make sure his nuts are wet".

SENSITIVITY TEST FOR MEN

1. In the company of females, intercourse should be referred to as:

a. lovemaking
b. screwing
c. taking the pigskin bus to Tuna Town

2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you have both shared:

a. your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship
b. your blood test results
c. five tiquila slammers

3. You time your orgasm so that:

a. your partner climaxes first
b. you both climax simultaneously
c. you don't miss ESPN Sports Center

4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:

a. healthy, creative love-play
b. not the sort of thing your wife would agree to
c. not the sort of thing your wife needs to ever find out about

5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you have just had sex with is:

a. the best part of the experience
b. the second best part of the experience
c. $100 extra

6. Your wife/girlfriend says she's gained 5 pounds in the last month. You tell her that it is:

a. of no influence on your affectionate feelings for her
b. not a problem, she can join your gym
c. a conservative estimate

7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is:

a. a myth
b. an oxymoron
c. a complete moron

8. Foreplay is to sex as:

a. an appetizer is to an entree
b. primer is to paint
c. a long line is to an amusement park ride

9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying:

a. I hope we can still be friends
b. I'm not in right now. Please leave a message at the beep.
c. Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: YOU

10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masterbate:

a. Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of
intimacy
b. is uptight and a waste of time
c. shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place

EVALUATING RESULTS

1. If you answered A more than 7 times, check your pants to see if the meat whistle is still attached.

2. If you answered B more than 7 times, check into therapy. You're a little confused.

3. If you answered C more than 7 times, YOU DA MAN!!!

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss them in the air and then catch them in his mouth. In the middle of catching one, his wife asked him a question and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell into his ear. He tried and tried to dig it out but he only succeeded in pushing it in deeper. He called his wife for assistance and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to the hospital. As they were going out the door, their daughter came home with her date.

After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out. The young man told the father to sit down, then proceeded to shove two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out of his ear. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing.

Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father and said, "That's so wonderful. Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he grows older?"

The father replied, "From the smell of his fingers, I'd say our son-in-law."

Very prolific tonight Mr. Twin

Man vs. Woman........

A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is driving
down the same road. As they pass each other, the woman leans out of the
window and yells "PIG!!" The man immediately leans out of his window and
yells, "BITCH!!"

They each continue on their way and as the man rounds the next corner,
he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road.

If only men would listen...

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be open when she brings it.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows
them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
-----------------------------------------------------------
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
----------------------------------------------------------

:eek: :rolleyes:

The Natural Laws of Golf:

Don't buy a putter until you've had a chance to throw it.

Never try to keep more than 300 separate thoughts in your mind during
your swing.

When your shot has to carry over a water hazard, you can either hit one
more club or two more balls.

If you're afraid a full shot might reach the green while the foursome
ahead of you is still putting out, you have two options: you can
immediately shank a lay-up or you can wait until the green is clear and
top a ball halfway there..

The less skilled the player, the more likely he is to share his ideas
about the golf swing.

No matter how bad you are playing, it is always possible to play worse.

The inevitable result of any golf lesson is the instant elimination of
the one critical unconscious motion that allowed you to compensate for
all of your many other errors.

Everyone replaces his divot after a perfect approach shot.

A golf match is a test of your skill against your opponents' luck.

It is surprisingly easy to hole a fifty foot putt ... For a 10 on that hole.

Counting on your opponent to inform you when he breaks a rule is like
expecting him to make fun of his own haircut.

Nonchalant putts count the same as chalant putts

It's not a gimme if you're still away.

The shortest distance between any two points on a golf course is a
straight line that passes directly through the center of a very large tree.

You can hit a two acre fairway 10% of the time and a two inch branch
90% of the time.

If you really want to get better at golf, go back and take it up at a
much earlier age.

Since bad shots come in groups of three, a fourth bad shot is actually
the beginning of the next group of three.

When you look up, causing an awful shot, you will always look down
again at exactly the moment when you ought to start watching the ball
if you ever want to see it again.

Every time a golfer makes a birdie, he must subsequently make two
triple bogeys to restore the fundamental equilibrium of the universe.

If you want to hit a 7 iron as far as Tiger Woods does, simply try to
lay up just short of a water hazard.

To calculate the speed of a player's downswing, multiply the speed of
his back-swing by his handicap; I.e., back-swing 20 mph, handicap 15,
downswing = 300 mph.


There are two things you can learn by stopping your back-swing at the
top and checking the position of your hands: how many hands you have,
and which one is wearing the glove.

Anyone hear any good jokes lately?

Sir?



























Sir?






















Excuse me, Sir??


































SIR?!?!?!

Some new Dad's don't get the googlies ....and some simply go insane .

Move along sir. Nothing here for you to see...

Boy you can say that again.

God...I'll bet he does.

that again

Someonekillme.

Don't you mean Sumwonkillme?