Uncle Dave baby sits his 6 year old neice, Amy for an afternoon to give mom and dad a break.
So, Uncle Dave takes her to the local park and they play on the swings and slide. Then Amy said she was tired and needed to eat something.
Uncle Dave takes Amy to the convenience store and asks what she wants.
She says she'd like a twinkie, so Uncle Dave buys her one.
Walking back across the parking lot, Uncle Dave notices a barber shop nearby.
So he tells Amy that it will only take a few minutes for him to get the haircut.
Amy agrees.
Uncle Dave sits in the barber chair and everything is going ok until little Amy says, "Uncle Dave, I'm getting tired. Can I sit on your lap?"
Uncle Dave says, "Amy, you know that you'll get hair on your twinkie."
Amy says, "Of course I know that, Uncle Dave, and I'm going to get boobies too!"

Here's one for Timm, since we talked about "Chicken Little" on another thread.

"Chicken Little"

One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of "Chicken Little" to her class.
She came to the part where chicken Little warns the farmer. She read..." and Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, "THE SKYIS FALLING!!"
The teacher then asked her class, "And what do you think the farmer said?"
A little girl raised her hand and the teacher called on her.
"The farmer said, "HOLY SH-T!!!!! A talking chicken!!!"

The teacher couldn't teach for the next twenty minutes.

This is for the lovely ladies that post on this board...just so ya know a little more about males...as if ya didn't already.

Mens Rules List:

We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Blah, blah, blah....

Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules! Listen up!

Please note... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.

1. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know men really don't mind that, it's like camping.

ps....I love you.

Easy Money



I decided to stop worrying about my teen aged daughter's driving and take advantage of it.
I got one of those bumper stickers that say, "How's my driving?" and put a 900 number on it.
At 50 cents a call, I've been making $38 a week.

Haha dts last two have made me laugh keep them coming. Thanx for posting them

This one is for anyone that thinks they're having a "bad day". From what I can find...this one is true.

Bad Day

A man was working on his motorcycle on the patio, his wife nearby in the kitchen. While racing the engine, the motorcycle accidentally slipped into gear. The man, still holding onto the handlebars, was dragged along as it burst through the glass patio doors.

His wife, hearing the crash, ran in the room to find her husband cut and bleeding, the motorcycle, and the shattered patio door. She called for an ambulance and, because the house sat on a fairly large hill, went down the several flights of stairs to meet the paramedics and escort them to her husband.

While the attendants were loading her husband, the wife managed to right the motorcycle and push it outside. She also quickly blotted up the spilled gasoline with some paper towels and tossed them into the toilet.

After being treated and released, the man returned home, looked at the shattered patio door and the damage done to his motorcycle. He went into the bathroom and consoled himself with a cigarette while attending to his business. About to stand, he flipped the butt between his legs.

The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard a loud explosion and her husband screaming. Finding him lying on the bathroom floor with his trousers blown away and burns on his buttocks, legs and groin, she
once again phoned for an ambulance. The same paramedic crew was dispatched.

As the paramedics carried the man down the stairs to the ambulance they asked the wife how he had come to burn himself. She told them.
They started laughing so hard, one slipped, the stretcher and dumping the husband out. He fell down the remaining stairs, breaking his arm.
______________________________________________
Still having a bad day? Just remember, it could be worse...

This one is a true story.
I hope all you DTer's never wake up to find one in your driveway, but in case you do, here's how you "get er done".

How to remove a dead whale.....

Way To Remove A Dead Whale

The Farside Comes To Life In Oregon


I am absolutely not making this incident up; in fact I have it all on
videotape. The tape is from a local TV news show in Oregon, which sent a
reporter out to cover the removal of a 45-foot, eight-ton dead whale that
washed up on the beach. The responsibility for getting rid of the carcass
was placed on the Oregon State Highway Division, apparently on the theory
that highways and whales are very similar in the sense of being large
objects.

So anyway, the highway engineers hit upon the plan--remember, I am not
making this up--of blowing up the whale with dynamite. The thinking is that
the whale would be blown into small pieces, which would be eaten by
seagulls, and that would be that. A textbook whale removal.

So they moved the spectators back up the beach, put a half-ton of
dynamite next to the whale and set it off. I am probably not guilty of
understatement when I say that what follows, on the videotape, is the most
wonderful event in the history of the universe. First you see the whale
carcass disappear in a huge blast of smoke and flame. Then you hear the
happy spectators shouting "Yayy!" and "Whee!" Then, suddenly, the crowd's
tone changes. You hear a new sound like "splud." You hear a woman's voice
shouting "Here come pieces of...MY GOD!" Something smears the camera lens.

Later, the reporter explains: "The humor of the entire situation
suddenly gave way to a run for survival as huge chunks of whale blubber fell
everywhere." One piece caved in the roof of a car parked more than a
quarter of a mile away. Remaining on the beach were several rotting whale
sectors the size of condominium units. There was no sign of the seagulls
who had no doubt permanently relocated to Brazil.

Rumor has it that the Oregon Highway crew was last seen responding to an "emergency" in a place called Crawford, Texas.

Good luck fellas!

The Swiss...How to Avoid War

"The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. 'Come on, buddy, let's go. You get past me, the guy in back of me, he's got a spoon. Back off. I've got the toe clippers right here!'"

A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was. Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes.
Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention. He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.
"Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked.
"They're mating," her father replied.
"What do you call the spider on top?" she asked.
"That's a Daddy Longlegs," her father answered.
"So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked.
As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question her eplied "No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs."
The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them flat, saying "Well, we're not having any of that broke back mountain **** in our garden."

The very first ever Blonde GUY joke..... And well worth the wait !!!!

An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on
scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.

They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I
get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off
this building."

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get
burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."

The blonde opened his lunch and said, " Bologna again! If I get a bologna
sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."

The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw
corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death.

The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.

The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.

At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping.She said, "If I'd known how
really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it
to him again!"

The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or
enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."

Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife said,


"Don't look at me. He makes his own lunch

2 Hot and Pais,
Pretty good ones.
I'll stay with the blonde theme..

The Blonde and the Coke Machine

There was a beautiful young blonde who was going to a soda machine and she arrived there just before a business man coming to quench his thirst. She opened her purse and put in 50 cents, studied the machine a little, pushed a Diet Coke selection, and out came a Diet Coke which she placed on a counter by the machine.

Then she reached in her purse again and pulled out a dollar and inserted it in the machine. Studying the machine carefully, she pushed the button for Coke Classic and out came a Coke Classic and 50 cents change.

She immediately took the 50 cents and put it in the machine, studied it for a moment and pushed the Mountain Dew button. Out came a Mello Yello. As she was reaching into her purse again, the business man who had been waiting patiently for several minutes now spoke up.

"Excuse me Ms. but are you done yet?" She looked at him and indignantly replied: "Well Duhhh!, I'm still winning"

Quotes from Dubbya

These are actual quotes from the Flubber-in-Chief, George W. Bush:

10) "Families is where our nation finds hope, where wings take dream." --LaCrosse, Wis., Oct. 18, 2000

9) "Let me put it to you bluntly. In a changing world, we want more people to have control over your own life." --Annandale, Va, Aug. 9, 2004

8) "I've reminded the prime minister -- the American people, Mr. Prime Minister, over the past months that it was not always a given that the United States and America would have a close relationship." --Washington, D.C., June 29, 2006


7) "The truth of that matter is, if you listen carefully, Saddam would still be in power if he were the president of the United States, and the world would be a lot better off." --Second presidential debate, St. Louis, Mo., Oct. 8, 2004

6) "See, in my line of work you got to keep repeating things over and over and over again for the truth to sink in, to kind of catapult the propaganda." --Greece, N.Y., May 24, 2005

5) "They misunderestimated me." --Bentonville, Ark., Nov. 6, 2000

4) "Rarely is the questioned asked: Is our children learning?" --Florence, S.C., Jan. 11, 2000

3) "Too many good docs are getting out of the business. Too many OB-GYNs aren't able to practice their love with women all across this country." --Poplar Bluff, Mo., Sept. 6, 2004

2) "Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we." --Washington, D.C., Aug. 5, 2004

1) "There ought to be limits to freedom." Response at press conference.

Couldn't contain myself on that one and just burst out laughing at work.

Sniper,
Good ya liked it. I've been having a chuckle or two for a while.
DTS

OK...Confession

In a small cathedral, a janitor was cleaning the pews between services when he was approached by the priest.

The priest asked the janitor, "Could you go into the confessional and listen to confessions for me? I really have to go to the bathroom and Widow McGee is coming. She tends to go on and on but never really does anything worthy of serious repentance, so when she's done, just give her 10 Hail Marys. I'll be right back."

Being the helpful sort, the janitor agreed. Just as expected, Widow McGee came into the booth and started her confession.

"Oh Father, I fear I have done the unforgivable," she said. "I have given into carnal thoughts and have had oral sex."

Stunned, the janitor had no idea how to handle this situation, surely 10 Hail Marys would not do. So in a moment of desperation, the janitor peeked his head out of the confessional and asked an altar boy, "Son, what does the priest give for oral sex?"

The altar boy replied, "Two Snickers bars and a Coke."

No doubt these were found on www.commondreams.org (also known as http://www.dontthinkforyourselfbelie...readhere.org:D

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.

Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said "WHAT??!! What was that?!"

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear... "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went onto the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all
dear, let's go to the cashier."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled WHAT?"

I then said "honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least she knows I'm smarter than her.

I LOVE IT...too damn funny

Yeah...hilarious....I thought it was worthy of a post.

you thought well my friend...you thought very well...

Dude absolute comedy

Success In Politics !

To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

All Fools...

"Get all the fools on your side and you can be elected to anything."
-- Frank Dane
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Profession !

Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. It bears a very close resemblance to the first.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Energy Bill !

"We need an energy bill that encourages consumption."
-- George W. Bush, Trenton, N.J., Sept. 23, 2002

New York Laws...(no kiddin')


The penalty for jumping off a building is death.


Slippers are not to be worn after 10:00 P.M.


A fine of $25 can be levied for flirting. This old law specifically prohibits men from turning around on any city street and looking "at a woman in that way." A second conviction for a crime of this magnitude calls for the violating male to be forced to wear a "pair of horse-blinders" wherever and whenever he goes outside for a stroll.


A person may not walk around on Sundays with an ice cream cone in his/her pocket.


While riding in an elevator, one must talk to no one, and fold his hands while looking toward the door.


A license must be purchased before hanging clothes on a clothesline.


It is against the law to throw a ball at someone's head for fun.


Carmel
A man can't go outside while wearing a jacket and pants that do not match.


Greene
During a concert, it is illegal to eat peanuts and walk backwards on the sidewalks.


New York
You may not smoke within 100 feet of the entrance to a public building.


Citizens may not greet each other by "putting one's thumb to the nose and wiggling the fingers".


Women may go topless in public, providing it is not being used as a business.


It is illegal for a woman to be on the street wearing "body hugging clothing."


Ocean City
It is illegal for men to go topless in the center of town.


It is illegal to eat in the street in residential neighborhoods, and the only beverage you can drink on the beach is water in a clear plastic bottle.


Staten Island
It is illegal for a father to call his son a "******" or "queer" in an effort to curb "girlie behavior."


You may only water your lawn if the hose is held in your hand.

Ever since I was called an "idiot", I've been scratchin' my head trying to figure out what the moron really meant. My guess is that I have plenty of company....

Stupid people stories
IDIOTS & RETAIL

I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed that I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature on the credit card with the signature I just signed on the receipt. So I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared that signature to the one I signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they matched.

IDIOTS & GEOGRAPHY

After interviewing a particularly short-spoken job candidate, I described the person to my boss as rather monosyllabic. My boss said, "Really? Where is Monosyllabia?". Thinking that he was just kidding, I played along and said that it was just south of Elbonia. He replied, "Oh, you mean over by Croatia?"

ADVICE FOR IDIOTS

An actual tip from page 16 of the Hewlett Packard Environmental, Health & Safety Handbook for Employees: "Blink your eyelids periodically to lubricate your eyes."

IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD

I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: Many deer were being hit by cars and he no longer wanted them to cross there.

IDIOTS & COMPUTERS

My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question: "I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?"

IDIOTS ARE EASY TO PLEASE

I was sitting in my science class, when the teacher commented that the next day would be the shortest day of the year. My lab partner became visibly excited, cheering and clapping. I explained to her that the amount of daylight changes, not the actual amount of time. Needless to say, she was very disappointed.

IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE

My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the individual behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.

AN IDIOT'S IDIOT

Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.



ps...They came and took away the deer crossing sign. I'm thinking they wanted Bambi to live too.

Comments At Your Funeral




3 friends die in a car accident and they go to an orientation in heaven.

They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning you, what would you like to hear them say about you?

The first guy says,"I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man."

The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."

The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say ... Look, He's Moving!

SCUBA Diving Wife


When Mr.. Wilkins answered the door late in the evening one day after he'd lost his wife scuba diving, he was greeted by two grim-faced policemen. "We're sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Wilkins, but we have some information about your wife."
"Well...tell me!" he demanded.
The policeman said, "We have some bad news, some pretty good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"
Fearing the worse, Mr. Wilkins said, "Give me the bad news first."
So the policeman said, "I'm sorry to tell you sir, but we found your wife's body this morning in San Francisco Bay."
"OH MY GOD!," said Mr. Wilkins, overcome by emotion. Then, remembering what the policeman had said, he asked, "What's the good news?"
"Well," said the policeman, "When we pulled her up she had two five-pound lobsters and a dozen good size Dungeoness crabs on her."
"Huh?" he said, not understanding. "So, what's the great news?"
The policeman smiled, licked his chops, and said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow morning."

Soup

I went to a restaurant last night. I ordered the soup of the day (da jour).
Seems that it's never the same da jour two days in a row...
Anyway, the waitress delivers it to the table, and then I got the urge to use the bathroom.
So I took a napkin and wrote on it "Don't touch this soup, I spit in it."
I put it over the soup, hoping no one would touch it.
When I came back, some one had written "So did I".

Good News, Bad News, Worse News

My friend, Lenny got a call from his daughter today. She has been looking for a job, so when the phone rang, Lenny was excited to hear from her.

Lenny: Hello?
Daughter: Hi Dad, I have some good news! I got a job!
Lenny: That's good news!
Daughter: The bad news, I'm a hooker.
Lenny: Oh! That's bad news. Anything else?
Daughter: I think so...I'm making triple your salary.

If you see Lenny, buy him a cold one, and wish him a return from his binge before July.

Constipated Horse
A farmer goes to the vet and says, "My horse is constipated."

The vet replies, "Take one of these pills, put it in a long tube, stick the other end in the horse's ass, and blow the pill up there."

The farmer comes back the next day, and he looks very sick.

The vet says, "What happened?"

The farmer responds, "The horse blew first."

A Conversation With Room Service In An Asian Hotel

A telephonic exchange between a hotel guest and room-service, at a hotel in
Asia, which was recorded and published in the Far East Economic Review...

Room Service: "Morny. Ruin sorbees"

Guest: "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service"

RS: "Rye...Ruin sorbees...morny! Djewish to odor sunteen?"

Guest: "Uh...yes...I'd like some bacon and eggs"

RS: "Ow July den?"

Guest: "What?"

RS: "Ow July den?...pry,boy, pooch?"

Guest: "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please."

RS: "Ow July dee bayhcem...crease?"

Guest: "Crisp will be fine"

RS: "Hokay. An San tos?"

Guest: "What?"

RS: "San tos. July San tos?"

Guest: "I don't think so"

RS: "No? Judo one toes??"

Guest: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo one toes'
means."

RS: "Toes! toes!...why djew Don Juan toes? Ow bow singlish mopping we
bother?"

Guest: "English muffin! I've got it! You were saying 'Toast.' Fine.
Yes, an English muffin will be fine."

RS: "We bother?"

Guest: "No...just put the bother on the side."

RS: "Wad?"

Guest: "I mean butter...just put it on the side."

RS: "Copy?"

Guest: "Sorry?"

RS: "Copy...tea...mill?"

Guest: "Yes. Coffee please, and that's all."

RS: "One Minnie. Ass ruin torino fee, strangle ache, crease baychem,
tos sy singlish mopping we bother honey sigh, and copy...rye?"

Guest: "Whatever you say"

RS: "Tendjewberrymud"

Guest: "You're welcome"

Questions People Asked To Park Rangers


These are questions that people actually asked of Park Rangers around
the country, proving once again that there is no known limit to the depths
of human stupidity. (Source: Outside Magazine, May 1995, pp. 120-121)

Grand Canyon National Park :

Was this man-made?

Do you light it up at night?

I bought tickets for the elevator to the bottom -- where is it?

Is the mule train air conditioned?

So where are the faces of the presidents?

Everglades National Park :

Are the alligators real?

Are the baby alligators for sale?

Where are all the rides?

What time does the two o'clock bus leave?

Denali National Park (Alaska):

What time do you feed the bears?

Can you show me where the yeti lives?

How often do you mow the tundra?

How much does Mount McKinley weigh?

Mesa Verde National Park:

Did people build this, or did Indians?

Why did they build the ruins so close to the road?

What did they worship in the kivas-- their own made-up religion?

Do you know of any undiscovered ruins?

Why did the Indians decide to live in Colorado?

Carlsbad Caverns National Park:

How much of the cave is underground?

So what's in the unexplored part of the cave? Does it ever rain in here?

How many Ping-Pong balls would it take to fill this up?

So what is this-- just a hole in the ground?

Yosemite National Park:

Where are the cages for the animals? What time do you turn on Yosemite
Falls?

Can I get my picture taken with the carving of President Clinton?

Yellowstone National Park:

Does Old Faithful erupt at night?

How do you turn it on?

When does the guy who turns it on get to sleep?

We had no trouble finding the park entrances, but where are the exits?

How To Cook A Turkey

How To Took A Turkey... huh?

Step 1: Go buy a turkey
Step 2: Take a drink of whiskey (scotch) OR JD
Step 3: Put turkey in the oven
Step 4: Take another 2 drinks of whiskey
Step 5: Set the degree at 375 ovens
Step 6: Take 3 more whiskeys of drink
Step 7: Turn oven the on
Step 8: Take 4 whisks of drinky
Step 9: Turk the bastey
Step 10: Whiskey another bottle of get
Step 11: Stick a turkey in the thermometer
Step 12: Glass yourself a pour of whiskey
Step 13: Bake the whiskey for 4 hours
Step 14: Take the oven out of the turkey
Step 15: Take the oven out of the turkey
Step 16: Floor the turkey up off of the pick
Step 17: Turk the carvey
Step 18: Get yourself another scottle of botch
Step 19: Tet the sable and pour yourself a glass of turkey
Step 20: Bless the saying, pass and eat out

Comedian Jon Stewart On Thanksgiving

"I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in
my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed
them and took their land."
- Jon Stewart, on The Jon Stewart Show

Turkey Funnies.......
http://www.jibjab.com/jokebox/jokebo...4/jokeid/80387

Difference Between Prison and Work !

IN PRISON... you spend the majority of your time in an 8X10 cell.
AT WORK... you spend the majority of your time in a 4X6 cabin.

IN PRISON... you get three meals a day.
AT WORK... you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it.

IN PRISON... you get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK...you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.

IN PRISON... the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK... you must carry around a security card and open all the doors for yourself.

IN PRISON... you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK... you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON... they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK... you can't even speak to your family.

IN PRISON... all expenses are paid by the tax-payers with no work required.
AT WORK... you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

IN PRISON... you must deal with sadistic wardens.
AT WORK...they are called managers.

IN PRISON... you spend most of your life looking through bars from inside wanting to get out.
AT WORK... you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.

Can cold water clean dishes?
 

This is for all the germ conscious folks that worry about using cold water to clean. John went to visit his 90 yr old grandfather in a secluded,rural section of Georgia. After spending a great evening chatting the night away,the following morning Johns' grandfather prepared a breakfast of eggs,bacon a nd toast. However, John noticed a film like substance on his plate and asked "Are you sure this dishes are clean"? His grandfather replied "the're as clean as cold water can get them. Just finish your meal,Sonny!" For lunch, the old man made hamburgers. Again John was concerned as his plate appeared to have tiny specks of egg on the edges. He asked again "Are you sure these dishes are clean?" The old man barked " I told you before, they're as cold as cold water can get them...now I don't want to hear another thing about it" Later that afternoon,as John was leaving, the dog started growling and wouldn't let him get to his car. John yelled "Grandfather,your dog won't let me get to my car! Without diverting his attention from the game on tv, the old man shouted "Coldwater,GO LAY DOWN!

The Twelve Days Of Thanksgiving

On the First Day...
We give thanks for the fresh turkey feast and its hot trimmings.

On the Second Day...
We bless the cold turkey sandwiches, sloshy cranberry sauce, and hard rolls.

On the Third Day...
We praise the turkey pie and vintage mixed veggies.

On the Fourth Day...
We thank the pilgrims for not serving bison that first time, or we'd be
celebrating Thanksgiving in April.

On the Fifth Day...
We gobble up cubed bird casserole and pray for a glimpse of naked turkey
carcass.

On the Sixth Day...
We show gratitude (sort of) to the creative cook who slings cashews at the
turkey and calls it Oriental.

On the Seventh Day...
We forgive our forefathers and pass the turkey-nugget pizza.

On the Eighth Day...
The word ''vegetarian'' keeps popping into our heads.

On the Ninth Day...
We check our hair to make sure we're not beginning to sprout feathers.

On the Tenth Day...
We hope that the wing meat kabobs catch fire under the broiler.

On the Eleventh Day...
We smile over the creamed gizzard because the thigh bones are in sight.

On the Twelfth Day...
We apologize for running out of turkey leftovers. And everybody says Amen.

Naked Man

It was three o'clock in the morning, and the receptionist at a posh hotel
was just dozing off, when a little old lady came running towards her,
screaming. "Please come quickly!" she yelled, "I just saw a naked man
outside my window!"

The receptionist immediately rushed up to the old lady's room. "Where is
he?" asked the receptionist. "He's over there," replied the little old lady,
pointing to an apartment building opposite the hotel.

The receptionist looked over and could see a man with no shirt on, moving
around his apartment. "It's probably a man who's getting ready to go to
bed," she said reassuringly. "And how do you know he's naked, you can only
see him from the waist up?"

"The dresser, honey!" screamed the old lady. "Try standing on the dresser!"

A train hits a bus filled with Catholic school girls and they all
perish. They are in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates
when St. Peter asks the first girl, "Tiffany, have you ever had any contact
with a male organ?"

She giggles and shyly replies, "Well, I once touched the head
of one with the tip of my finger."

St. Peter says, "Okay, dip the tip of your finger in the Holy Water
and pass through the gate."

St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, "Jennifer, have you
ever had any contact with a male organ?" The girl is a little
reluctant but replies, "Well, once I fondled and stroked one."

St. Peter says, "Okay, dip your whole hand in the Holy Water
and pass through the gate."

All of a sudden, there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls.
One girl is pushing her way to the front of the line.

When she reaches the front, St.Peter says, "Reva, What seems to
be the rush?"

The girl replies, "If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water I
want to do it before Jessica sticks her ass in it."

Bush still has a job?


George Bush has started an ill-timed and disastrous war under false pretenses by lying to the American people and to the Congress; he has run a budget surplus into a severe deficit; he has consistently and unconscionably favored the wealthy and corporations over the rights and needs of the population; he has destroyed trust and confidence in (and good will toward) the United States around the globe; he has ignored global warming, to the world's detriment; he has wantonly broken our treaty obligations; he has condoned torture of prisoners; he has attempted to create a theocracy in the United States; he has appointed incompetent cronies to positions of vital national importance; and he has blatantly made millions of dollars personally from spiked gas prices.


Now, would someone please give him some head so we can have a legal reason to impeach him?