An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of church services when she was startled by an intruder. She caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables and yelled, "Stop! Acts 2:38 (Repent and be baptized, in the name of Jesus Christ so that your sins may be forgiven.) The burglar stopped in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done. As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar, "Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you." "Scripture?" replied the burglar. "She said she had an ax and two 38's!"

:o:D

I thought this was pretty funny
 

New United Flight Attendant...

Attachment 2678

One Saturday morning, the pastor noticed little Johnny was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. It was covered with names, and small American flags were mounted on either side of it. The seven-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so The pastor walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, "Good morning Johnny." "Good morning pastor Ron," replied the young man, still focused on the plaque. "Pastor, what is this?" Johnny asked. "Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service." Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque. Little Johnny's voice was barely audible when he asked, "Which one, the Wednesday night or Sunday morning service? :D

That joke needed a rimshot at the end of it :D

Quite old school my friend, I agree :D

Al Bundy insults :D

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rgDtgyzVZYk

no offense Nick :D

An engaged couple die & arrive in Heaven where they ask St Peter if can they still marry in Heaven. St Peter said he was not sure so would have to get back to them & 3 years later he returned saying ‘Yes they could’ & they were married.

It wasn’t long before they realised that they were not made for each other so they asked if there was such a thing as Divorce in Heaven?






St Peter replied:-
‘Listen it took me 3 years to find a Priest here, how long do you think it will take me to find a Lawyer?’

Col. Travis and Davy Crockett are looking over the wall at the Alamo when William says" Davy!. It looks bad!. There are Calvary and cannons all around us!"

Davy takes his field glasses, peers out over the landscape and replies " You're right Colonel. And where the hell did all of these landscapers come from?"

:tro::tro::tro::tro:

A woman arrived at a party.
While scanning the guests, she spotted an attractive man standing alone.
She approached him, smiled and said, "Hello. My name is Carmen."
"That’s a beautiful name," he replied. "Is it a family name?"
"No," she replied. "As a matter of fact I gave it to myself. It represents the things that I enjoy the most – cars and men. Therefore I chose 'Carmen'"
"What’s your name?” she asked.
He answered "B. J. Titsengolf."

A rookie police officer pulled a biker over for speeding and had the following exchange:
• Officer: May I see your driver's license?
• Biker: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.
• Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?
• Biker: It's not my bike. I stole it.
• Officer: The motorcycle is stolen?
• Biker: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the tool bag when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: There's a gun in the tool bag?
• Biker: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the dude who owns this bike and stuffed his dope in the saddle bags.
• Officer: There's drugs in the saddle bags too?!?!?
• Biker: Yes, sir. Hearing this, the rookie immediately called his captain. The biker was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the biker to handle the tense situation:
• Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
• Biker: Sure. Here it is. It was valid.
• Captain: Who's motorcycle is this?
• Biker: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration.
• Captain: Could you slowly open your tool bag so I can see if there's a gun in it?
• Biker: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it. Sure enough, there was nothing in the tool bag.
• Captain: Would you mind opening your saddle bags? I was told you said there's drugs in them.
• Biker: No problem. The saddle bags were opened; no drugs.
• Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole this motorcycle, had a gun in the tool bag, and that there were drugs in the saddle bags.
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• Biker: Yeah, I'll bet he told you I was speeding, too.

LOL :D

Q. and how does one make Holy Water???
A. boil the Hell out of it


andQ. why does Helen Keller have purple hands and fingers???
A. she https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WWvwP72FuVg