Originally Posted by MaTH716 (Post 841697)

The gang was up early again for Friday morning golf which would be followed by Tampa downs and finishing at the famous Derby lane dogtrack. After a quick bite in the hotel kitchen, we head out to meet the rest of the group at the golf course. The golfing groups would be BT, Heels and Herk. Followed by Bigs, GPK, Aunty and myself. As we are waiting, I figure I might as well check out the facilities in the clubhouse. They were top notch, probably the nicest one I have visited since being in Florida (and God knows I have seen too many of them). After buying a $4 dollar Gatorade :zz:, I catch up with the group. From there it probably takes about ten minutes to square away all the golfing bets/side action. The golf nazi (GPK) has action with almost everyone. It's to the point where it takes him about a half hour after the round to figure out where everyone stands. Now as stated before, I frankly suck at golf. I don't play at all so I never practice. I do like playing, but I figure if I have 5 hours to burn (which very rarely happens), I'm going to the track. Now Bigs is better than me (which isn't saying much) and he can hit the ball a country mile, but he struggles mightily at times too. So what's this midget prick do? He makes us play from the blue tees with him. Basically it just makes a tough game almost impossible for me. Then you have Lori, who hits the ball a ton as well. She decides that she's going to use her "vag" (her word not mine) advantage and hit from the ladies tees. They are probably at least 100 yards in front of the blues every hole. But I guess in her little side match with the Golf Nazi, she wasn't getting as many strokes cause of the "vag" advantage. So now she's getting par's and bogeys and bitching and moaning about it. To make matters worse the Golf Nazi is having sissy fits cause he's getting bogeys. Meanwhile my f.uckin hands are now on fire to match my a.sshole, because I must have swung the club about 3000 times between yesterday and today. Everything is starting to hurt and I'm running out of golfballs. I have a 3 hole span where I'm eased and vanned off not finishing the hole. Then I finally hit a decent drive (for me) and it's literally 1 foot outside a red stake (whatever that f.uckin means). So that midget prick says I found your ball and gave you a good lie, but you're hitting three. You would think that since I was on pace to shoot 235 that he would give me a break. I swear to God that I vowed to show up wearing a bomb vest the next time he and the rest of the Keebler elfs have a meeting to discuss a new cookie. But regardless it was a great time, Bigs and I had a ton of laughs riding in the cart together.

BT you might not want to read this part. Finally we're on the 18th and I can't wait for the round to end and get to the track. The Golf Nazi is teeing up first. All of a sudden I start elbowing Bigs and point to the tee off markers. He realizes what I have already noticed, we're hitting off from the whites. Bigs and I are giggling like a couple of schoolgirls knowing that if the Golf Nazi realizes where we're hitting from, he will surely make us hit from the jerkoff blues. Not to mention, how could the Golf Nazi make such a silly mistake? Obviously Lori doesn't realize either. So I actually hit a good shot and since we are hitting from the whites, my second shot is actually a makeable 140 from the pin instead of something like being 203 away if I hit from the blues. My second shot lands on the green about 30 feet from the pin. From there I two putt paring the final hole, screwing BT (who parred it from the blues) out of winning the final 7-8 skins that have carried. Chances are I wasn't parring that hole from the blues. Sorry Bri, as a racing fan you should be use to being screwed like this. The wrong bettors paid, tough s.hit. :D

to be continued...........................

Originally Posted by -BT- (Post 841700)

@ $89 a round a $4 gatorade almost seems like you ripped them off.
you muthaf****....... those blues were at the absolute tips on #18, we might as well been teeing off from the gd woods we were so far back, and i find out you tee'd off from the whites? WTF, is there no honor in golf either. I'm now doubley salty b/c i made a NATURAL BIRDIE from the tips on #18, net 2 and i pushed with you?

-bt-

Originally Posted by MaTH716 (Post 841701)

$89 was ridiculous, but I think I got the last laugh. I'm pretty sure I left more than $89 dollars worth of damage on that course.
.

Originally Posted by MaTH716 (Post 841713)

After golf it was a 5 minute car ride to the track. We show up as they are getting into the gate for the opener. I have to admit that I was going to take it easy today. I was still hurting from yesterday's bloodbath, plus I thought it was a toxic situation having the big group and trying to handicap 2-3 tracks on the fly. When we get there the rest of the DT group is there. We meet Golfer, Sheets and Sheets dad (the funding behind Sheet's gambling habit). Of course Exacta Bob is in the house again minus the misses and Rude is there as well, wearing what looks like a woman's shirt (which later apparently he confirmed, calling it a blouse {once again, his words not mine}). So I start talking to Sheets, and notice that he has his printed out sheets of the form bounded professionally, with a plastic cover page and backing. I'm sure it's 1000 times nicer than any book report or paper that he's done in his life. I am absolutely blown away by the creativity. I heard he picked this up from Mr. Chicago. He goes to staples and gets it done for $10 bucks. I think to myself about the creativity and the love of the game that this kid must have. I also think that child services really should make a stop by the Sheets house too. I really think that Sheets is on an interesting path. I feel like he could either end up taking Margo's job as the lead handicapper at Tampa. Or maybe end up being like Exacta Bob and going to the track during the days and swimming with guys like Goncalves at night. Or quite possibly like the douche that literally lives in the Grunder bar with the bad hair constantly yelling at the TV saying stupid s.hit. It will be interesting to see how this plays out. Regardless, he's going to have a tough time meeting girls if the only places he visits are staples, Tampa Downs and Derby Lane :zz:. But the bottom line is that he's a really good kid, he just needs to hang out at the mall with his friends a little more and a little less with the meatheads at the track.
Then I talk to Golfer, another really good guy. But listening to all the rage he has against Mark Guidry makes me think that he might be on a no-fly list somewhere. But it's pretty funny watching him and Sheets talk shop, then Sheets dad not really caring about the shop talk just offerening up the capitial to be involved on whatever Sheets and Golfer are playing. But they really are all great people and I had so much fun hanging out with all of them.

I do try to start my own personal show parlay that lasts all of two races and then it takes me an etirnity to finally dope out a late pick 4 at Tampa. I think Heels hits the early four at Gulfstream, he's another guy that's always seems live and is not afarid to hit the all button. Rainman (Herk) is cashing tickets (and not chalky ones) all over the place. He even mispunches a pick 3 that costs him a couple of yards, but he's cashing so much other stuff he just shakes it off and moves on. Good news, my stomach/colon seems to be cooperating as I haven't visited the facilities since the golf course. I even eat a hot dog for lunch. Obviously the whole group is conscious of how special the 9th race is going to be. We're all excited to see what GPK's reaction will be. The group has him at 1/9 to start crying. But unfortunately he has gone missing, seems like that dummy is up in the Poker room. I finally punch a $67 dollar pick 4 ticket going 3x3x5x3. Finally GPK appears and we decide we should tell him before he disappears again. Lori let's him know and the 1/9 shot looks like the easiest moeny ever to be made at the racetrack as he starts crying.

To be continued.................

Originally Posted by MaTH716 (Post 841701)

$89 was ridiculous

Originally Posted by Antitrust32 (Post 841732)

I need to figure out how to post the picture of GPK on the Jockey's scale in the winners circle. apparently the file is too big, which is ironic considering the size of the man in the picture.

Originally Posted by MaTH716 (Post 841736)

I bet'cha he feels 4 feet tall in that photo..........................

Originally Posted by MaTH716 (Post 841751)

So the entire group heads down to watch the 9th from the winner's circle. The woman in charge is trying to make time with Bigs. Supposedly, you are only allowed about 4-5 people in the winner's circle. We easily had over 10 people. The woman slightly balked at first, but Bigs charmed the woman to letting everyone in. She gave us some brief instructions as far as what to do and where to stand. Seth and I suggested that they should keep the paramedics close just in case Guidry ended up winning the race.

So we are all on the rail watching the race and I believe that everyone was live in their pick 4's at this point. Grunder keeps doing a job mentioning Edward O'Bey (who would think how far that one beer would go). A 13-1 shot with a 3/56 jock clears from the #10 hole and gets the lead. He goes 46 flat for the half and at this point I'm feeling good about this horse being the last horse off my ticket. All of a sudden I realize that they are heading into the stretch and he still has a 1 1/2 length lead and looks strong. Then at the 1/8 pole I hear GPK yelling come on with this 10, get this 10 home and I honestly think to myself, how fitting. Let GPK get this 10 home (knowing that he's been getting killed all week too) in the race named for his brother. But truthfully, by the time they hit the 1/16 pole, I'm like f.uck that midget prick, get this God damn one (or 4 of the other 5 nags i'm live to in this God forsaking s.hit race where I'm 5 deep) home. It's a blanket finish and Bigs said the 10 got the bob and if there's anyone I'll ever believe in that spot it's Bigs. Guidry once again got there too late closing like a freight train. My pick 4 and I 'm pretty sure everyone else's go up in flames. GPK cashed a win ticket and I believe Rude did too. But Bigs said something about Rude possibly betting every horse in the race. Obviously I'm not happy and Mark Guidry fan #1 Golfer is steaming. Forget about having the paramedics for Guidry they might need the riot police. GPK is absolutely beaming as we line up for the picture. Picture taken and we are all milling around the winner's circle. Next thing I know I see Sheets asking Gonclaves to sign his racing form. I am absolutely mind boggeled as I ask him, what the f.uck are you going to do with that? Before he can answer we notice Exacta Bob chatting to his swim buddy Gonclaves and we all start laughing. Also there is a buzz of the camera girl, she was okay. I'm sure Lori will second that. I did tell Sheets to invite his girl Rosie to derby Lane with us, but he pussed out. The chalk wins the finale and I'm pretty sure all of us go 3/4 on the pick 4 and I'm pretty steamed. But I can honestly say that it was an honor to be in that winner's circle for such a special event with such a great group of people.

Apparently we have video proof of the yelling like a schoolgirl......................
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X4rmq...ature=youtu.be

To be continued........................

Originally Posted by Antitrust32 (Post 841761)

this is the part of the story where I tap out and head back to Ocala. Not before getting lost and passing the track a couple times. I could not figure out which direction was "north-east".

Originally Posted by tiggerv (Post 841731)

This is an amazing thread :tro:

Originally Posted by MaTH716 (Post 841951)

It's finally time for Derby Lane. We all group up with a Tampa native and head out to Derby Lane. I do remember getting on the elevator at Tampa and as the doors were closing seeing BT yelling at the TV. We all crack up in the elevator. After a brief stop at Dicks sporting goods, (I had to buy souvenirs
for the boys) where GPK chatted up a girl that worked there. Probably a good thing he went down in flames, because she was probably up about 7 weight classes from him. She would have crushed him if she got on top and if he tried to get on top, he would have needed a ladder. It was a lose lose situation for him. Bigs kindly calls up in the car to point out OZ on the other side of the road. After about a 20 minute ride, we finally reach the Taj Mahal for dog racing. Bigs graciously buys programs for us as we go inside. I am absolutely mezmerized on how big and how many people are there. Not to mention how nice the place seems. Unfortunately the skell count does seem to be on the high side (now you can add 10 more to that count). We catch up with the rest of the group and everyone is kind of doing their own thing for a bit. I vowed to myself, after getting killed on the horses the last 2 days, I wasn't betting any freakin dogs. I was there for the ride/expierence and will just enjoy my time.

Unfortunately for me, after being there for about 10 minutes we had a little bit of a problem. Actually it was more of a major situation as I felt like my colon was going to explode. Yup, you can add Derby Lane to the 2012 MaTH piss out of his ass Florida tour. Thankfully (and I thanked God several times) the bathrooms were actually clean. I honestly felt like I dropped 5 pounds after that purge and felt like a new man. I catch up with the group and back at Tampa Downs we were talking about food, Heels was carrying the torch. For the first time all trip I was actually hungry. I had only had a muffin and a hot dog all day, so I wanted to eat too. We decide to check out the restauraunt. They have a buffet that looks killer. A nice carving station, salad and most importantly crab legs. All 10 of us sit, it's myself, GPK, Herk, BT, Heels, Bigs, Rude, Sheets, Sheets dad, Golfer. So I go to the buffet to load up and I come back and 5 of them ditched to go back downstairs. So now it's me, GPK, BT, Heels and Herk. There is food piled high everywhere. I'm not sure if everyone was that hungry, or just trying to gorge themselves in the 45 minutes we had left until the buffet closed. It was probably a little of both. Crab legs, shrimp, steak it's literally like feeding time at the zoo. To make matters more interesting Herk, BT and Heels are trying to dope out a late pick 4 at the Fair Gounds with about 7 minutes to post. Herk is doing his best Dali-Lama/Rainman bit, staring at the screen in a trance like state and then just blurting out random horses. Heels is trying to look at the form and eat at the same time. And if my memory serves me right, BT was just stuffing his face (like me). Finally they put a ticket together and run to the window as they are getting in the gate, only to find out that they only sell vouchers in the area that we're in. All the chaotic work for nothing. For the record I think they would have ended up 3/4. During this time I think GPK is betting Northfield, it seems like they are in the midst of a blizzard, but he is cashing tickets.

You'll never guess what happens next. My body must have instantly rejected all the food that I just ate. It was the first really big meal that I have had in a week. Thankfully the bathrooms in the club were even nicer than the bathrooms downstairs. I was in the can for quite a while. I ate so much seafood during the first sitting, that I was expecting to look down and see an aquarium in the bowl. So what do I do after leaving the bathroom? I go back and load up my plate again. I'm getting my $23 dollars worth. The table looks like an absolute bomb hit it. There's crablegs, shrimp peels, beer bottles, racing forms, dog forms everywhere. We finally finish and get ready to meet the others. I also decide to jump in and start playing the dogs a bit. We watch the dog race from the balcony and I look like a winnner the whole way around and of course get nailed at the wire. But now I have the bug (to go along with the bug that has made me s.hit everywhere since Tuesday). So I give the next race a good look and feel like I have a good handle on the race. There's one dog that seems to have a big class advantage. So I wheel him in exacta's and triple's and actually back wheel him with 2 other dogs on top in triples using the all button for show. We all reach a crossroads in our lives. This is when I reached mine, when I realized after getting killed on horses for the last 2 days (something I feel like I actually know) and vowing not to bet any of these mutts, looking down and see I have like $60 dollars worth of tickets bet on this one dog race. This is when I have my little heart to heart with Sheets, who is already looking at his bound copy of the form for tomorrow, circling every piece info on the page. I'm going to try steer the kid of this path, but of course he isn't hearing any of it. By this time, I'm sure child services will be waiting at his doorstep when they get home. Of course my dog runs second and one of the two other dogs I have on top don't win. $60 bucks on the dogs up in flames. Not to mention, that's not the only thing flaming as I'm about to s.hit for the hat trick at Derby Lane. After coming out of the bathroom again, I just make a few small action bets to be involved.

So the night is winding down and I decide that I'm going to see if I get any of the sharp clientele at Derby Lane to believe that BT is actually the guy from the hangover. So I must say it about 12 times around different people all within an earshot of BT. Finally BT had enough and explodes my way, it was actually pretty funny and as soon as he walked away, I said it again. But unfortunately we got no bites on it.
That was it, I said my goodbyes as I would be on the plane first thing in the morning. By this time it was about 11pm and I throw it out to GPK on the way to the car, about possibly going to the casino. I figure that since I have to be up in like 4 hours, that I might as well pull an all nighter. But he doesn't bite either, it's better off anyway. Because when I get back to the room, I do not pass go and go straight to the bathroom to tear it up once again. I pack up, get a few hours sleep and sneak off to the airport in the wee hours of the morning. I do visit the facilities at the lovely Tampa International before getting on my flight. For the most part the flight is fine, except for the large woman who keeps leaking into my seat. But I'm very happy to see my family, who's at the airport to pick me up. My wife informs me that since it's only 8:40 we are going to stop for breakfast on the way home and guess what, the boys want to go to IHOP :zz: .

Originally Posted by Heels1989 (Post 841955)

:tro::tro::tro:
You can tell a story like no other.

Originally Posted by MaTH716 (Post 841956)

Thanks Dave.
If anyone feels like I missed something feel free to add it.
Also, more importantly I have stumbled on to some video from Derby Lane. Working on getting it loaded up as we speak.

Originally Posted by MaTH716 (Post 841976)

Found the video. This is a microcosm of the whole trip.

http://s789.photobucket.com/albums/y...urrent=dog.mp4

Originally Posted by GPK (Post 841982)

"Outside Pieces":wf:wf

Matt at the end of the video "Wha da f*ck jus happened there?"

That quote defined the whole trip.

Originally Posted by golfer (Post 841964)

Bravo! That was spectacular. The only thing you missed was Saturday! Beginning with morning glory with exacta and mrs bob, then a trip up to the roof to spend the 3rd race in the grinder booth (and kev doing his grinder impersonation for Richard), to gpk actually collecting a ticket! To me wanting to kill Guidry even more than Friday after his ride on swift warrior. And ending up back in grunder bar, for more show parlaying, and the "Dini phone call".

By the way, you did a super job of hiding your suffering

Originally Posted by Bigsmc (Post 842029)

You forgot gpk screaming like a prepubescent girl in Shea Stadium circa 1966 at Dean Butler as he was getting his pic taken in the winner's circle.

Deeeeaaaaanooooo!!!

Deeeeaaaaanooooo!!!

Deeeeaaaaanooooo!!!

Butler was mortified and refused to make eye contact as he was hand signaling the security guard in the circle to protect him from whatever was creating that screeching noise in the box area.

Originally Posted by MaTH716 (Post 841951)

It's finally time for Derby Lane. We all group up with a Tampa native and head out to Derby Lane. I do remember getting on the elevator at Tampa and as the doors were closing seeing BT yelling at the TV. We all crack up in the elevator. After a brief stop at Dicks sporting goods, (I had to buy souvenirs for the boys) where GPK chatted up a girl that worked there. Probably a good thing he went down in flames, because she was probably up about 7 weight classes from him. She would have crushed him if she got on top and if he tried to get on top, he would have needed a ladder. It was a lose lose situation for him. Bigs kindly calls up in the car to point out OZ on the other side of the road. After about a 20 minute ride, we finally reach the Taj Mahal for dog racing. Bigs graciously buys programs for us as we go inside. I am absolutely mezmerized on how big and how many people are there. Not to mention how nice the place seems. Unfortunately the skell count does seem to be on the high side (now you can add 10 more to that count). We catch up with the rest of the group and everyone is kind of doing their own thing for a bit. I vowed to myself, after getting killed on the horses the last 2 days, I wasn't betting any freakin dogs. I was there for the ride/expierence and will just enjoy my time.

Unfortunately for me, after being there for about 10 minutes we had a little bit of a problem. Actually it was more of a major situation as I felt like my colon was going to explode. Yup, you can add Derby Lane to the 2012 MaTH piss out of his ass Florida tour. Thankfully (and I thanked God several times) the bathrooms were actually clean. I honestly felt like I dropped 5 pounds after that purge and felt like a new man. I catch up with the group and back at Tampa Downs we were talking about food, Heels was carrying the torch. For the first time all trip I was actually hungry. I had only had a muffin and a hot dog all day, so I wanted to eat too. We decide to check out the restauraunt. They have a buffet that looks killer. A nice carving station, salad and most importantly crab legs. All 10 of us sit, it's myself, GPK, Herk, BT, Heels, Bigs, Rude, Sheets, Sheets dad, Golfer. So I go to the buffet to load up and I come back and 5 of them ditched to go back downstairs. So now it's me, GPK, BT, Heels and Herk. There is food piled high everywhere. I'm not sure if everyone was that hungry, or just trying to gorge themselves in the 45 minutes we had left until the buffet closed. It was probably a little of both. Crab legs, shrimp, steak it's literally like feeding time at the zoo. To make matters more interesting Herk, BT and Heels are trying to dope out a late pick 4 at the Fair Gounds with about 7 minutes to post. Herk is doing his best Dali-Lama/Rainman bit, staring at the screen in a trance like state and then just blurting out random horses. Heels is trying to look at the form and eat at the same time. And if my memory serves me right, BT was just stuffing his face (like me). Finally they put a ticket together and run to the window as they are getting in the gate, only to find out that they only sell vouchers in the area that we're in. All the chaotic work for nothing. For the record I think they would have ended up 3/4. During this time I think GPK is betting Northfield, it seems like they are in the midst of a blizzard, but he is cashing tickets.

You'll never guess what happens next. My body must have instantly rejected all the food that I just ate. It was the first really big meal that I have had in a week. Thankfully the bathrooms in the club were even nicer than the bathrooms downstairs. I was in the can for quite a while. I ate so much seafood during the first sitting, that I was expecting to look down and see an aquarium in the bowl. So what do I do after leaving the bathroom? I go back and load up my plate again. I'm getting my $23 dollars worth. The table looks like an absolute bomb hit it. There's crablegs, shrimp peels, beer bottles, racing forms, dog forms everywhere. We finally finish and get ready to meet the others. I also decide to jump in and start playing the dogs a bit. We watch the dog race from the balcony and I look like a winnner the whole way around and of course get nailed at the wire. But now I have the bug (to go along with the bug that has made me s.hit everywhere since Tuesday). So I give the next race a good look and feel like I have a good handle on the race. There's one dog that seems to have a big class advantage. So I wheel him in exacta's and triple's and actually back wheel him with 2 other dogs on top in triples using the all button for show. We all reach a crossroads in our lives. This is when I reached mine, when I realized after getting killed on horses for the last 2 days (something I feel like I actually know) and vowing not to bet any of these mutts, looking down and see I have like $60 dollars worth of tickets bet on this one dog race. This is when I have my little heart to heart with Sheets, who is already looking at his bound copy of the form for tomorrow, circling every piece info on the page. I'm going to try steer the kid of this path, but of course he isn't hearing any of it. By this time, I'm sure child services will be waiting at his doorstep when they get home. Of course my dog runs second and one of the two other dogs I have on top don't win. $60 bucks on the dogs up in flames. Not to mention, that's not the only thing flaming as I'm about to s.hit for the hat trick at Derby Lane. After coming out of the bathroom again, I just make a few small action bets to be involved.

So the night is winding down and I decide that I'm going to see if I get any of the sharp clientele at Derby Lane to believe that BT is actually the guy from the hangover. So I must say it about 12 times around different people all within an earshot of BT. Finally BT had enough and explodes my way, it was actually pretty funny and as soon as he walked away, I said it again. But unfortunately we got no bites on it.
That was it, I said my goodbyes as I would be on the plane first thing in the morning. By this time it was about 11pm and I throw it out to GPK on the way to the car, about possibly going to the casino. I figure that since I have to be up in like 4 hours, that I might as well pull an all nighter. But he doesn't bite either, it's better off anyway. Because when I get back to the room, I do not pass go and go straight to the bathroom to tear it up once again. I pack up, get a few hours sleep and sneak off to the airport in the wee hours of the morning. I do visit the facilities at the lovely Tampa International before getting on my flight. For the most part the flight is fine, except for the large woman who keeps leaking into my seat. But I'm very happy to see my family, who's at the airport to pick me up. My wife informs me that since it's only 8:40 we are going to stop for breakfast on the way home and guess what, the boys want to go to IHOP :zz: .

Originally Posted by GPK (Post 842356)

"Less than a minute..."