A lady walks into a drugstore and tells the pharmacist she needs some cyanide. The pharmacist says "Why in the world do you need cyanide"? She then explained that she needed it to poison her husband. The pharmacists' eyes got big and he said "Lord, have mercy, I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law! I'll lose my license and they'll throw both of us in jail, and all kind of bad things will happen! Absolutely Not. You can Not have any cyanide! Calmly, the woman reached inside her purse and pulled out a photograph of her husband in bed with the pharmacists' wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied "Well now, you didn't Tell me you had a prescription!"

The Letter
A husband wrote the following letter for his wife and left it on the dining room table: "To My Dear Wife, You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year-old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be upset - I shall be home before midnight."

When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table: "My Dear Husband, I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. As you know, I am a math teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old. As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of Math, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference - 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow."

DTS: OH, The IRONY!

Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors.

Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic the other residents tolerated her and some of them actually joined in.

One day Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched. "STOP!," he shouted in a firm voice. "Have you got a license for that thing?" Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to him. "OK" he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.

As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted "STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?" Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster and held it up to him. Harold nodded and said "On your way, Ma'am." As Ethel neared the final corridor, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her, Butt- Naked, and holding his "You-Know- What" in his hand.

"Oh, good grief," yelled Ethel, "Not that Damn Breathalyzer Test again.!!!"

Horoscopes by Adam Sandler (not sure if some of the language will get past the bots)......

Aquarius (Jan 23 - Feb 22) - You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You lie a great deal. You make the same mistakes repeatedly because you are stupid. Everyone thinks you are a ****ing jerk.

Pisces (Feb 23 - Mar 22) - You are a pioneer type and think most people are dickheads. You are quick to reprimand, impatient, and full of advice. You do nothing but piss-off everyone you come in contact with. You are a prick.

Aries (Mar 23 - April 22) - You have a wild imagination and often think you are being followed by the FBI or CIA. You have minor influence on your friends and people resent you for flaunting your power. You lack confidence and are a general dip****.

Taurus (April 23 - May 22) - You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged determination and work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bullheaded. You are nothing but a goddamned communist.

Gemini (May 23 - June 22) - You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you because you are bisexual. You are inclined to expect too much for too little. This means you are a cheap bastard. Geminis are notorious for thriving on incest.

Cancer (June 23 - July 22) - You are sympathetic and understanding of other people's problems, which makes you a sucker. You are always putting things off. That is why you will always be on welfare and won't be worth a ****. Everyone in prison is a Cancer.

Leo (July 23 - Aug 22) - You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are an idiot. Most Leos are bullies. You are vain and cannot tolerate criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are thieving mother****ers and enjoy masturbation more than sex.

Virgo (Aug 23 - Sept 22) - You are the logical type and hate disorder. Your ****-picking attitude is sickening to your friends and co-workers. You are cold and unemotional and often fall asleep while ****ing. Virgos make good bus drivers and pimps.

Libra (Sept 23 - Oct 22) - You are the artistic type and have a difficult time dealing with reality. Chances for employment and monetary gain are nil. Most Libra women are whores. All Libras die of venereal disease.

Scorpio (Oct 23 - Nov 22) - You are the worst of the lot. You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You shall achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. You are the perfect son-of-a-bitch. Most Scorpios are murdered.

Sagittarius (Nov 23 - Dec 22) - You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to rely on your luck since you have no talent. You are a worthless piece of ****.

Capricorn (Dec 23 - Jan 22) - You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You are basically chicken****. There has never been a Capricorn of any importance.

Glad he's such a great actor,lol

Political Humor...

Chicken, Road...HUH???


DR. PHIL:
The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he
must first deal with the problem on "THIS" side of the road before it goes
after the problem on the "OTHER SIDE" of the road. What we need to do is help
him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his "CURRENT" problems
before adding "NEW" problems.
OPRAH:
Well I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he
wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from
his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give
this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live
his life like the rest of the chickens.
GEORGE W BUSH:
We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to
know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is
either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.
COLIN POWELL:
Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of
the chicken crossing the road...
ANDERSON COOPER - CNN :
We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been
allowed to have access to the other side of the road.
JOHN KERRY:
Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against
it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's
intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.
NANCY GRACE:
That chicken crossed the road because he's GUILTY! You can see it in
his eyes and the way he walks.
PAT BUCHANAN:
To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.
MARTHA STEWART:
No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a
standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price
dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider
information.
DR SEUSS:
Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the
chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.
ERNEST HEMINGWAY:
To die in the rain. Alone.
JERRY FALWELL:
Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth in
front of your face? The chicken was going to the "other side." That's why
they call it the "other side." Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if
you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all
chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes
with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side." That chicken should
not be crossing the road. It's as plain and simple as that!
BILL GATES:
I have just released eChicken2006, which will not only cross roads, but
will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your check
book.
BILL CLINTON:
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition
of chicken?
AL GORE:
I invented the chicken!

Death by IM...

http://www.commondreams.org/views06/1007-27.htm

Senior Moment (alleged to be true)

An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her
car,
found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle. She dropped
her
shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of
her
voice, "I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car!"

The four men didn't wait for a second invitation. They got out and ran
like mad. The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her
shopping
bags into the back of the car and got into the driver's seat.

She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She
tried and tried, and then it dawned on her why...For the same reason
she
did not understand why there was a football, a Frisbee and two 12 packs
in the front seat...

A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spaces
farther down. She loaded her bags into the car and drove to the police
station to report her mistake. The sergeant to whom she told the story
couldn't stop laughing.

He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were
reporting a car jacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white,
less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair and carrying a
large
handgun. No charges were filed.

MORAL OF THE STORY?

If you're going to have a Senior Moment, make it memorable.

At the Supermarket

A guy goes to a supermarket and notices a beautiful blonde waving at him and says hello.

He's rather taken a back, because he can't place where he knows her from. So he says " Do you know me?" to which she replies "I think you're the father of one of my kids."

Now he thinks back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, " My God! , are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I screwed on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my ass with wet celery and then stuck a carrot up my butt?"

She said " No, I'm your son's math teacher."

BRAIN CRAMPS
(On September 17, 1994, Alabama's Heather Whitestone was selected as Miss America 1995.)
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,"
``````````````````````````````````
Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love
to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and
death and stuff."
--Mariah Carey
````````````
"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very
important part of your life,"
--Brooke Shields, during an interview to become
Spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.
`````````````````````````````````````````````````
I've never had major knee surgery on any other part
of my body,"
--Winston Bennett,
University of Kentucky basketball forward.
````````````````````````````````````````
"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the
lowest crime rates in the country,"
--Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.
`````````````````````````````
"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through
our papers. We are the president."
--Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of
subpoenaed documents.
`````````````````````````````````````````````````` ``
"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it,"
--A congressional candidate in Texas.
````````````````````````````
"Half this game is ninety percent mental."
--Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark
``````````````````````````````````
"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's
the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
--Al Gore, Vice President
And . .
"We are ready for an unforeseen event that
may or may not ! occur."
--Al Gore, VP
```````````````````
"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix."
--Dan Quayle
``````````
"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much
clean air do we need?"
--Lee Iacocca
```````````
"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A
genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." -
--Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.
````````````````````````````````````````````
"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude
certain types of people."
--Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instruto.
`````````````````````````````````
"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."
--Bill Clinton, President
````````````````
"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come
from overseas."
--Keppel Enderbery
````````````````
"Your food stamps will be stopped effective
March 1992 because we received notice that
you passed away. May God bless you. You may
reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."
--Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina
````````````````````````````````````````````
"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack
in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their
heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when
they wake up dead, there'll be a record."
--Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, ,,,,,,
Feeling smarter yet?

The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something
exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came for the
little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a
time. She was reluctant to call upon little Johnny, however, knowing that he could be a bit crude at times, but eventually his turn came.
Little Johnny walked up to the front of the class and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down.
Well, the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnny had in mind for his report on something exciting, so she asked him just what that was.

"It's a period," reported Johnny.

"Well, I can see that," she said, "but what is so exciting about a period?"

"Damned if I know," said Johnny, "but this morning my sister said she missed
one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted and the man next door shot himself."

For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven.

"You've been such exemplary statues," he announced to them, "That I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want." And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life.

The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches. Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces.

"You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking at them.

Grinning even more widely the female statue turned to the male statue and said, "Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll crap on it's head."

Alligator

A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side.

He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons

"I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."

The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, and dropped his trousers, placing his privates in the alligator's mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised.

The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks were delivered. The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try."

A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A blonde girl timidly spoke up. "I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle so hard."

BRAIN DEAD DAYS

I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body. -- Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward

After finding no qualified candidates for the position of principal, the school board is extremely pleased to announce the appointment of David Steele to the post. -- Philip Streifer, Superintendent of Schools, Barrington, Rhode Island

"I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have was that I didn't study Latin harder in school so I could converse with those people." -Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle

"They're multipurpose. Not only do they put the clips on, but they take them off." -Pratt & Whitney spokesperson explaining why the company charged the Air Force nearly $1000 for an ordinary pair of
pliers.

"The President has kept all of the promises he intended to keep."
-Clinton aide George Stephanopolous speaking on Larry King Live

"We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees."
-Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks

"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president."
-Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents

"It's like deja vu all over again."
-Yogi Berra

"China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese."
-Former French President Charles De Gaulle

"The loss of life will be irreplaceable."
-Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle on the San Francisco earthquake

"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it."
-A congressional candidate in Texas

"It is necessary for me to establish a winner image. There-fore, I have to beat somebody."
- Richard M. Nixon

"The government is not doing enough about cleaning up the environment. This is a good planet."
-Mr. New Jersey contestant when asked what he would do with a million dollars.

"Things are more like they are now than they ever were before."
-Former U.S. President Dwight D. Eisenhower

"A billion here, a billion there, sooner or later it adds up to real money."
-Everett Dirksen

"A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on."
-Samuel Goldwyn

"Without censorship, things can get terribly confused in the
public mind." -General William Westmoreland

ABOUT GROWING OLDER...
First ~ Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your
age and start bragging about it.
Second ~ The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line
for.
Third ~ Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want
people to know "why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and
some of the roads weren't paved.
Fourth ~ When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth,
think of Algebra.
Fifth ~ You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or
leaks.
Sixth ~ I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.
Seventh ~ One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it
is such a nice change from being young.
Eighth ~ One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has
been.
Ninth ~ Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.
Tenth ~ Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was
called witchcraft. Today it's called golf
And finally ~ If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have
anything to laugh at when you are old.

Here's one about a guy that starts a thread, gets one response, deletes the rest, and ends up talking to himself again.

http://boards.espn.go.com/boards/mb/...id=38087&lid=8

A captain in the foreign legion was transferred to a desert outpost. On his orientation tour he noticed a very old, seedy looking camel tied out back of the enlisted men's barracks. He asked the sergeant leading the tour, "What's the camel for?" The sergeant replied, "Well sir, it's a long way from anywhere, and the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do, we have the camel." The captain said, "Well, if it's good for morale, then I guess it's all right with me." After he had been at the fort for about 6 months, the captain could not stand it anymore, so he told his sergeant, "BRING IN THE CAMEL!!!" The Sarge shrugged his shoulders and led the camel into the captain's quarters. The captain got a foot stool and proceeded to have vigorous sex with the camel. As he stepped, satisfied, down from the stool and was buttoning his pants he asked the sergeant, "Is that how the enlisted men do it?"

The sergeant replied, "Well sir, they usually just use it to ride into town."

DTS: loved the 10/14 post!! I've seen good stuff before, but always thought it might be too long to post....people are usually too impatient to read something more than 2 paragraphs!

Timm,
Good that you enjoyed it.
Just trying to bring a smile to those that take the time.
DTS:)

In the Confessional

An old man went into confession and told the priest: "Father,I`m 81 married with six children and 13 grandchildren. Last night i had an affair and made love to two 18-year-old girls.Twice."
"I see," said the priest. "When was the last time you were in confession?"
"Never,Father", replied the old man. "I`m Jewish"
"So why are you telling me?"
"I`m telling everybody!"

A condom
Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Maude: What in the hell is that?

Mabel: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Maude: Where did you get it?

Mabel: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.

"Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel."

Stiff Neck

A man was walking down the street when he noticed his grandpa sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down. "Grandpa, what are you doing?" he exclaimed.

The old man looked off in the distance and did not answer him. "Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" he asked again.

The old man slyly looked at him and said, "Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This was your Grandma's idea!"

Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out. Both were very faithful and loving wives, however, they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers. Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery. One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them. Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them. She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that. After the girls did their business they proceeded to go home.

The next day one of the women's husbands was con cerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said, "These girls nights out have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst... My wife came home with no panties!!"

"That's nothing" said the other husband, "Mine came back with a card stuck to her butt that said.....

'From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you... '

A man goes to Victoria Secret to buy his wife the most sheer lingerie he can find. The woman behind the counter goes and gets an outfit. "This is $200," she says.

"I want one thats more sheer," says he. "This one is $350."

"I want it even more sheer than that.""This one is the most sheer that we have. Its $500.""Ill take it!"The man goes home to his wife and shows it to her,saying,"Go put this on and come down to model it for me."

His wife goes upstairs, opens the box and thinks, "This thing is so see-through that the old coot wont even notice if Im wearing it or not. I can take this back for a refund and he wont know the difference."

So his wife comes out wearing nothing at all and strikes a pose at the top of the stairs. "So, how do you like it?" she asks.

"Damn, you'd think for $500 they'd iron it!"

I don't live in the South...but some of these fit me too.
Love bein' a redneck.



1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.
2. You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a fly
swatter.
3. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
4. You burn your yard rather than mow it.
5. You think "The Nutcracker" is something you do off the high dive.
6. The Salvation Army declines your furniture.
7. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't
want it.
8. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.
9. You come back from the dump with more than you took.
10. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
11. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
12.. Your grandmother has "ammo" on her Christmas list.
13. You keep flea and tick soap in the shower.
14. You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
15. You go to the stock car races and don't need a program.
16. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.
17. You have a rag for a gas cap.
18. Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.
19. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.
20. You can spit without opening your mouth.
21. You consider your license plate personalized because your father
made it.
22. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
23. You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say "Cool Whip"
on the
side.
24. The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart.
25. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.
26. You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.
27. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does $100,000 worth of
improvements.
28. You've used a toilet brush to scratch your back.
29. You missed your 5th grade graduation because you were on jury duty.
30. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65.

Tickle Me Elmo

A new employee is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory. The personnel manager explains her duties, and tells her to report to work promptly at 8:00 AM.

The next day at 8:45AM, there's a knock at the personnel manager's door. The assembly line foreman comes in and starts ranting about this new employee.

He says she's incredibly slow, and the whole line is backing up. The foreman takes the personnel manager down to the factory floor to show him the problem.

Sure enough, Elmos are backed up all over the place. At the end of the line is the new employee. She has a roll of the material used for the Elmos and a big bag of marbles. They both watch as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles, and starts sewing the little package between Elmo's legs.

The personnel manager starts laughing hysterically. After several minutes, he pulls himself together, walks over to the woman, and says, "I'm sorry, I guess you misunderstood me yesterday. Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles."

I DON'T KNOW IF ANYONE POSTED THIS ONE YET, BUT IT DOES MAKE ME GIGGLE.



Recently, a large corporation hired several cannibals to increase their diversity.

You are all part of our team now," said the Human Resources rep during the welcoming briefing. "You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, but please don't eat any employees."

The cannibals promised they would not.

Four weeks later their boss remarked, "You're all working very hard and I'm satisfied with your work. We have noticed a marked increase in the whole company's performance. However, one of our secretaries has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?"

The cannibals all shook their heads, "No."

After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others, "Which one of you idiots ate the secretary?" A hand rose hesitantly.

"You fool!" the leader continued. "For four weeks we've been eating managers and no one noticed anything. But NOOOooooo, you had to go and eat someone who actually does something."

What do you do if you are locked in a room with a terrorist, a serial killer, and a lawyer and you have a gun with only two bullets?















Shoot the lawyer twice!!!!!!!!!!!!

Nice one,DTS! I'm gonna save this one for friends! too funny:)

Good you liked it. I didn't find one today, but I liked Oracle's lawyer joke.
Stay tuned for tomorrow.

Mother, My Name?

A little Indian boy was alone with his mother.
My dear mother, can you answer some questions?
Sure, my little son.
Well, my older brother, Storm Thunder...how did you find his name?
That's a special night I'll never forget. Your father and I were in our tipi while a storm raged outside. There was lots of lightning and thunder. Nine moons later, Storm Thunder was born.

And my sister, Corn Blossom...how did you find her name?
That was a special day. I'll never forget the day your father and I were working together in the corn field. The sun was hot. The corn plants were growing. Your father got a "look" in his eyes. Nine moons later, Corn Blossom was born.

Why do you ask these questions, Broken Rubber?

Quotes......

Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships."
-- Sharon Stone

"My girlfriend always laughs during sex---no matter what she's reading."
-- Steve Jobs (Founder: Apple Computers)

"I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with "Guess" on it. I said, "Thyroid problem?"
-- Arnold Schwarzenegger

"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps."
-- Tiger Woods

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."
-- Jack Nicholson

"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."
- Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady, and you didn't think Barbara had a sense of humor)

"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."
-- Robin Williams

"Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself."
-- Roseanne

"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place."
-- Billy Crystal

"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful."
-- Robert DE Niro

"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?"
-- Dustin Hoffman

"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked."
-- Jerry Seinfeld

"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house."
-- Rod Stewart

"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time."
-- Robin Williams

DTS: At least our senses of humor don't clash! This list is laugh-out-loud funny! Great job

Timm,
I smiled when you said that.
When we laugh, we find something very wonderful that we have in common.
Glad you enjoyed.
DTS

ps...the Tiger Woods one was for GPK.

2 guys work together for 30 years. (I'll call them Kev and Tim) One day Kev comes in to the office and tells Tim he has decided to retire and move to the mountains and follow his dream. So off in the sunset Kev goes.....Well about a year goes by and Tim decides he's going to pay Kev a visit...So he gets in his car and drives to the farm that Kev purchased with his retirement $$$. After some light conversation Kev's excitement can't be held back anymore...he tells Tim to come out to the barn with him so he could show him what he had been working on.....the conversation goes like this....

Tim - "What are you doing with all these crates of fruit out here Kev?"

Kev - "I have been working on the most amazing thing Tim," Kev reaches into one of the crates and says, "here Tim try this apple."

Tim - "man that's a really good apple Kev"

Kev - "now turn it around Tim and taste the other side."

Tim takes a bite from the other side and is astonished...he says "Kev!! that tastes just like a banana!"

Kev - "Here Tim try this orange."

Tim - "Now that's a good orange"

Kev - "Turn it around Tim"

Tim - "Why that tastes just like a grapefruit...how in the world do you do this Kev?"

Kev - "Wait you haven't seen anything yet" so he pulls out a piece of fruit from another crate and hands it to Tim

Tim - "That is one good looking peach Kev"

Kev - "That's not a peach Tim, I developed a fruit that tastes just like a woman. Go ahead give it try...

So Tim takes a bite, jumps back, throws the peach down, spits 3 or 4 times and yells at Kev.."That tastes like sh*t"

Kev - "Turn it around!"

Funny,Sam, I'll need licensing fees, though!:)

Last friday, i was driving down the freeway when i saw the blue flashing lights behind me. After about a mile, i decided to pull over. The traffic cop gets out of his car and walks over to mine.

"Sir", he says, "we have been following you for over a mile now doing 90mph". " It's friday night at 5pm, i've had a long day and just about to sign off from duty". "I really don't need this paperwork now, so if you can give me a valid reason as to why you were doing 90mph on the freeway, that i've never heard before, i will let you go".

"Well, officer" i said. " Six years ago, my bitch of a wife ran off with a traffic cop, and i just thought you were trying to return her ".

"Have a good evening sir".

Subject: NOAH IN 2006

In the year 2006, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now
living in the United States, and said, "Once again,
the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I
see the end of all flesh before me.

Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing
along with a few good humans."

He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, "You have 6
months to build the Ark before I will start the
unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah
weeping in his yard - but no Ark.

"Noah!" He roared , "I'm about to start the rain!
Where is the Ark?"

"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have
changed. I needed a building permit. I've been arguing
with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler
system. My neighbors claim that I've violated the
neighborhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my
yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to
go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision.

Then the Department of Transportation demanded a bond
be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and
other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move
to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming
to us, but they would hear nothing of it.

Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees
in order to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists
that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!

When I started gathering the animals, an animal rights
group sued me. They insisted that I was confining wild animals
against their will. They argued the accommodation was
too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put
so many animals in a confined space.

Then the EPA ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until
they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your
proposed flood.

I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human
Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed
to hire for my building crew.

Immigration and Naturalization are checking the
green-card status of most of the people who want to
work.

The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist
I have to hire only Union workers with Ark-building
experience.

To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets,
claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.

So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10
years for me to finish this Ark."

Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine,
and a rainbow stretched across the sky. Noah looked
up in wonder and asked, "You mean you're not going to
destroy the world?"

"No," said the Lord. "The government beat me to it."

An old Indian Chief sat in his hut on the reservation, smoking a ceremonial pipe and eyeing two US Government officials sent to interview him.

"Chief Two Eagles", asked one official, "You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his material wealth. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done."

The chief nodded in agreement.

The official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?"

The chief stared at the government officials for over a minute and then calmly replied,

"When white man found the land, Indians were running it.
1. No taxes
2. No debt
3. Plenty buffalo
4. Plenty beaver
5. Women did all the work
6. Medicine man free
7. Indian man spent all day hunting and fishing, all night having sex."

Then the chief leaned back and smiled, "Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that."