My perve mind automatically saw "limp, dead rabbit" as foreshadowing

:D

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant.
While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough.
After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.

One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, "Kin ya swallar?"

The woman shakes her head, "no.."

Then he asks, "Kin ya breathe?"

The woman begins to turn blue, and again shakes her head, "no."

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress,
yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.

The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.
As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table.

His partner says, "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it afore!"

An 85 year old man was asked by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the 85 year old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, "Well, doc, it's like this, first I tried it with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried it with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried it with her mouth, first with her teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.

"We even called up Arlene, the lady next door and she tried it too, first with both hands, then an armpit. She even tried squeezing it between her knees, but still nothing."

The doctor was shocked. "You asked your neighbor?"

The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."

An 85 year old man goes to the doctor for a checkup. He brings along his wife as he is hard of hearing. Upon arrival the nurse tells the man they we'll need a blood, urine and stool sample. He looks at his wife and says "what did she say?" His wife responds, "give them your underwear".

If by pretty good you mean that I kind of want to never read anything ever again just in case I come across something like this -- then yes, Dell's was awesome. The visual alone ruined my day.

^^^ overly serious

Not so. The joke served its purpose.

Just didn't enjoy the visual of the bloody, piss-stained, ****-filled panties.

An Inspirational Golf Story:

Recently I was asked to play in a golf tournament. At first I said, 'Naaahhh! I already play 4 or 5 times a week.'





Then they said to me 'Come on, it's for handicapped and blind kids.'

Then I thought...








sh*t, I could win this.

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane.

He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat ... As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his.

Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, "Business trip or pleasure?"

She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston "

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer," she responded. "I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.."

"Really?" he said. "And what kind of myths are there?"

"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.

Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best.

I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck."

Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don't even know your name."

"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba." :D

A husband, one bright sunny morning, turns to his lovely wife, and says, Wife, we are going fishing this weekend, you, me and the dog.
The wife grimaces, and replies, but I don t like fishing!
Look! We are going fishing and that's final.
Do I have to go fishing with you... I really don t want to go!
All right the husband says, I will give you three choices... 1 You come fishing with me and the dog... 2 You give me a BJ.... 3 or you take it up the ass!
The wife grimaces again. But I don't want to do any of those things!
Wife, I've given you three options.. You 'll HAVE to do one of them! I 'm going to the garage to sort out my fishing tackle, when I come back I expect you to have made up your mind!
The wife sits and thinks about it.
Twenty minutes later her husband comes back, Well, what have you decided? FISHING with me and the dog, BJ, or up the a$$?
The wife complains some more and finally makes up her mind, O.K. I ll give you a BJ!
Great! He says and drops his pants. The wife is on her knees doing the business. Suddenly she stops, looks up at her Husband, Oh! It tastes absolutely disgusting... It tastes all shi^^y!
Yes! says her husband The dog didn't want to go fishing either.

geeker, noooooooooo!

Oaklawnfans was funny though

;)

This man was sitting quietly reading his paper one morning, peacefully enjoying himself, when his wife sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the back of his head with a huge frying pan.

MAN: "What was that for?"

WIFE: "What was that piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Barbara Ann written on it?"

MAN: "Oh honey, remember two weeks ago when I went to the horse races? Barbara Ann was the name of one of the horses I bet on."

The wife looked all satisfied, apologizes, and goes off do work around the house.

Three days later he is once again sitting in his chair reading and she repeats the frying pan swatting.

MAN: "What the heck was that for this time?"

WIFE: "Your horse called."

:tro:

When Apollo Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he not only gave his famous "one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind" statement but followed it by several remarks, usual com traffic between him, the other astronauts and Mission Control. Just before he re-entered the lander, however, he made the enigmatic remark "Good luck, Mr. Gorsky."

Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut. However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs. Over the years many people questioned Armstrong as to what the "Good luck, Mr. Gorsky" statement meant, but Armstrong always just smiled.

On July 5, 1995 (in Tampa Bay, FL) while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26 year old question to Armstrong. This time he finally responded. Mr. Gorsky had finally died and so Neil Armstrong felt he could answer the question.

When he was a kid, he was playing baseball with a friend in the backyard. His friend hit a fly ball which landed in the front of his neighbor's bedroom windows. His neighbors were Mr. & Mrs. Gorsky.

As he leaned down to pick up the ball, young Armstrong heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky, "Oral sex! You want oral sex?! You'll get oral sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!"

A father walks into a restaurant with his young son. He gives the young boy 3 nickels to play with to keep him occupied. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels and starts slapping him on the back. The boy coughs up 2 of the nickels, but keeps choking. Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants, takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last nickel, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying,I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor? " 'No,' the woman replied,

"I'm with the I.R.S."

Skippping Church
 

Father Norton woke up Sunday morning and realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf.

So... he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and persuaded him to say Mass for him that day.

As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father Norton headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away.

This way he knew he wouldn't accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish. Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church!

At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed, "You're not going to let him get away with this, are you?"

The Lord sighed, and said, "No, I guess not."

Just then Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole.

IT WAS A 420 YARD HOLE IN ONE!

St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, "Why did you let him do that?"

The Lord smiled and replied, "Who's he going to tell?"

A little boy who brought home straight A's asks his father, "Who did I get my intelligence from?" The father pauses and responds, "Your mother because I still have mine." :)

When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker's circuit, he usually found himself eagerly longing to get back to his laboratory work. One night as they were driving to yet another rubber-chicken dinner, Einstein mentioned to his chauffeur (a man who somewhat resembled Einstein in looks & manner) that he was tired of speechmaking.

"I have an idea, boss," his chauffeur said. "I've heard you give this speech so many times. I'll bet I could give it for you." Einstein laughed loudly and said, "Why not? Let's do it!" When they arrive at the dinner, Einstein donned the chauffeur's cap and jacket and sat in the back of the room. The chauffeur gave a beautiful rendition of Einstein's speech and even answered a few questions expertly.

Then a supremely pompous professor asked an extremely esoteric question about anti-matter formation, digressing here and there to let everyone in the audience know that he was nobody's fool. Without missing a beat, the chauffeur fixed the professor with a steely stare and said:

"Sir, the answer to that question is so simple that I will let my chauffeur, who is sitting in the back, answer it for me."

^^^^^ Classy!:)

MJ FF joke
 

Farah Fawcett gets to Heaven and God says he can grant her one wish,, she wishes for all the children in the world to be safe and happy,, so He killed Michael Jackson

A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises,
two black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.
Naturally, the doctor asked, 'What happened to you?'
'Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a
difficult hole,
we both sliced our balls into a cow pasture.'
'We went to look for them and while I was looking around I noticed
one of the cows had something white at its rear end.'
'I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball
with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt.'
Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife,
'Hey, this looks like yours!
I don't remember much after that...'

After 20 years of marriage, a guy and his wife went for counselling. When asked to describe her problems, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they ever had in their 20 years they had been together. She went on and on; neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unfulfilled needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

Allowing this to go on for a suffient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, tore open her blouse with buttons flying everywhere, ripped off her bra and starts tongue kissing while he embraces her, then puts his hands on her breasts and then kissed them. The therapist gives a side glance at the husband before he puts his hand up the wife's skirt and rips her g-string off. The husband watches this with his eyebrows raised and his mouth wide open. The wife, flushed and in a total daze, tried to cover herself before she sat down quietly.

The therapist turned to the husband and said, "Now do you understand? This is what your wife needs at least three times a week! Can you do this?"

The husband thought for a moment and said, "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I play golf."

Verne was teeing off from the men's tee. On his downswing he realized
that his wife, Lucrecia, was teeing up on the woman's tee directly in
front of him. Unable to stop his swing, he nailed it, and hit her in
the head, killing her instantly. A few days later, Verne gets a call
from the coroner regarding the autopsy.

Coroner: Verne, your wife seemed to have died from blunt force trauma
to the head. You said you hit a golf ball and hit her in the head, is
that correct?

Verne: Yes, sir, that is correct.

Coroner: Well, inexplicably, I found a golf ball wedged up her a$$.

Verne: Was it a Titlist 3?

Coroner: Yes, it was.

Verne: That was my provisional.

Q. What's a seals least favorite drink ?




A. Canadian Club on the rocks !

Two Mexicans are on bicycles about 15 miles outside of Lafayette, Louisiana. One of the bike's tires goes flat and they start hitching a lift back into town. A friendly trucker stops to see if he can help and the Mexicans ask him for a ride. The trucker tells them he has no room in the trailer as he is carrying 20,000 bowling balls.

The Mexicans convince the driver they can fit into the back with their bikes and ask him to take them into town. The Mexicans manage to squeeze themselves and their bikes into the back. The driver shuts the door and gets on his way. By this time he is really late and so he puts the hammer down. Sure enough, a blonde cop pulls him over for speeding.

The blonde officer asks the driver what he is carrying to which the driver jokingly replies, "Mexican eggs." The blonde lady cop doesn't believe this so she wants to take a look in the trailer. She opens the back door and quickly shuts it and locks it. She gets on the radio and calls for immediate backup from as many officers as possible plus the Swat Team.

The Dispatcher asks what's the emergency that requires so many officers. The blonde repied, "I've got a tractor-trailer stopped with 20,000 Mexican eggs in it. Two have hatched and they've already managed to steal a couple bikes."

Jermaine Jackson was overheard at Michaels funeral saying he hadn't seen him so stiff since Macauley Culkin spent the night.

A man is in bed with his Thai-girlfriend.

After having a great sex , she spends the next hour just stroking his dangly bits, something she had lovingly done on many occasions.

Rather enjoying it, he turns and asks her: 'Why do you love doing that ?'

She replies: 'Because I really miss mine...'

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer — you're in the wrong place." So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in.

Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is becoming a pretty popular guy. One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and asks with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"

Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake — he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."

Satan says, "No way! I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year,

And every year Morris would say,

'Esther, I'd like to ride in that helicopter.'

Esther always replied,

'I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars,

And fifty dollars is fifty dollars'

One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said,

'Esther, I'm 85 years old.

If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.'

To this, Esther replied,

'Morris that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.'

The pilot overheard the couple and said,

'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny!

But if you say one word it's fifty dollars.'

Morris and Esther agreed and up they went.

The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard.

He did his daredevil tricks over and over again,

But still not a word.

When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said,

'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't.

I'm impressed!'

Morris replied,

'Well, to tell you the truth,

I almost said something when Esther fell out,

But you know,

fifty dollars is fifty dollars!'

What do the Cubs and Yankees have in common?


Neither has won a World Series in their new Stadium.

Guts or Balls.

> There is a medical distinction.
> We've all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really know
> the difference between them ? In an effort to keep you informed, the
> definitions are listed below:
>
> GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the
> guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask:
> 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'

> BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the
> guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your
> wife on the butt and having the balls to say: 'You're next,
> Chubby.'
>
> I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.
> Medically speaking there is no difference in the outcome. Both result in
> death.

Prison vs. Work...

In case you ever got the two mixed up, this should make things a bit more clear....

IN PRISON...you spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell.
AT WORK...you spend the majority of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.

IN PRISON...you get three meals a day.
AT WORK...you only get a break for one meal and you pay for it.

IN PRISON...you get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK...you get more work for good behavior.

IN PRISON...the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK...you must carry around a security card and open all the doors for yourself.

IN PRISON...you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK...you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON... you get your own toilet.
AT WORK... you have to share the toilet with some people who pee on the seat.

IN PRISON...they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK...you can't even speak to your family.

IN PRISON...all expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work required.
AT WORK...you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

IN PRISON...you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out.
AT WORK...you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.

IN PRISON...you must deal with sadistic wardens.
AT WORK... they are called managers.

Seven year old Susie approached her mother one morning and asked, "Mommie how old are you?" To which her mother responded, "Now Susie, that is not a question you should ask a woman."

Susie then replied, "Well, how much do you weigh?" Once again her mother said, "Susie that is another question you never ask a woman."

Perplexed, Susie was sitting on the steps when her best friend eight year old Anna came by. "Why so sad?" Anna asked. Susie replied, "I asked my mother how old she was, and how much she weighed, but she wouldn't tell me."

Immediately, the ever worldly Anna put her hands on her hips, lilted to one side and advised Susie to get her mother's drivers license out of her purse and she could get all the answers.

Triumphantly, Susie marched into the kitchen where her mother was preparing dinner and announced, "I saw your driver's license, and know you are 35 years old." She continued with, "And I know you weigh 135 pounds."

Susie's mother sighed and admitted to her age and weight.

Finally Susie exclaimed, "And...I know why you and Daddy got a divorce." Puzzled by this remark her mother asked, "How do you know this?"

Susie waved the license in the air, and replied:

"It says right here you got an "F" in sex!!"

BROXTON N' BILLINGSLEY have neither.

I was in the pub yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to fart. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my farts with the beat.

After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my pint and noticed that everybody was staring at me.

Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.

from one of the best dutch comic shows ever Koot & Bie:


this was shown on public tv back in the 70s
the joke being the subtitles tell a different story...

...sorry in advance;)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nmH2O...layer_embedded