John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said,
"Here's to
spending the rest of me Life, between the legs of me
wife !"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night !

He went home and told his wife, Mary,
"I won the
prize for the Best toast of The night."

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"

John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me
life, sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking
buddies on the street Corner.

The man chuckled
leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other
night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit
surprised myself.

You know, he's only been in
there twice in the last four years.

"Once I had to pull him by the ears to make him come,
and the other time he fell
asleep".

So true.... i could listen to him say the same line over and over, him and Henny, I loved Rodney's delivery, so fitting to his stage persona :{>::tro:

The only thing i didn't like was when he did some shows on HBO...used the F word and other expletives in the wrong spots imo...not funny..only did a few shows.
All his stand-ups on Carson and other shows were outstanding.:D one of a kind..

agreed with the vulgar language, didn't he play a serious role in a movie toward the end of his career? I'll have to google it to find it, heard he was sharp in it for the switch from his usual comedic movie stints.

Found these 3..

Caddyshack

1980


Back to School

1986


Easy Money

1983

An Irishman, by the name of O'Malley proposed to his girl on St. Patrick's Day. He gave her a ring with a synthetic diamond. The excited young lass showed it to her father, a jeweller. He took one look at it and saw it wasn't real.

The young lass on learning it wasn't real returned to her future husband. She protested vehemently about his cheapness.

'It was in honour of St. Patrick's Day, 'he smiled.

'I gave you a sham rock.'

Chuckle:)

Natural Born Killers.............

my contrib.......
A man comes home from an exhausting day at work, plops down on the couch in front of the television, and tells his wife, "Get me a beer before it starts." The wife sighs and gets him a beer. Fifteen minutes later, he says, "Get me another beer before it starts." She looks cross, but fetches another beer and slams it down next to him. He finishes that beer and a few minutes later says, "Quick, get me another beer, it's going to start any minute." The wife is furious. She yells at him "Is that all you're going to do tonight? Drink beer and sit in front of that TV? You're nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob, and furthermore ..." The man sighs and says, "It's started

Aaaah, the good ole days..:D:tro:



http://www.nydailynews.com/entertain...lery-1.1050013

A 65 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.

While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?"

God said, "No, you have another 33 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a
face-lift, eye-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck.

She even had someone come in and change her hair color and brighten her teeth! Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had
another 33 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the
ambulance?"



Scroll down....









God replied: I didn't recognize you." :D

Lawyer joke..
 

A very successful attorney parked his brand new Bentley in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he was getting out, a truck came along too closely and completely tore off the driver's door.

Fortunately, a cop in a police car was close enough to see the accident and pulled up behind the Bentley with his ...lights flashing.

Before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the attorney started screaming hysterically about how his Bentley, which he had just purchased the day before, was completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how any car body shop tried to make it new again.

After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you neglect the most important things in life."

"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer
The cop replied, "Don't you even realize that your left arm is missing? It was severed when the truck hit you!"

"OH, MY GOD!!!" screamed
the lawyer.



"My Rolex!"

:D:D funny bit..


http://social.entertainment.msn.com/...f-jimmy-kimmel

The Old Man And The Beaver
 

An 86-year-old man went to his doctor
for his quarterly check-up...

Attachment 2141

The doctor asked him how he was feeling,
and the 86-year-old said, "Things are great
and I've never felt better.
I now have a 20 year-old bride
who is pregnant with my child.
So what do you think about that, Doc ?"

The doctor considered his question for a minute
and then began to tell a story.

"I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season.

One day he was setting off to go hunting.
In a bit of a hurry , he accidentally picked up his
walking cane instead of his gun.

As he neared a lake, he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge..


He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature.

Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if
it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'.

Miraculously , two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead.

Now, what do you think of that ?" asked the doctor.

The 86-year-old said,
"Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else
pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."

The doctor replied, "My point exactly."

Italian auction
 

You don't have to understand Italian to follow the auctioneer:

A Chinese Ming Vase is up for auction. The bidding opens at a half-million Euros. Bidding is brisk and each bidder is clearly identified as each raises the bid by 100,000 Euros. (The exchange rate at auction time was 1 Euro = $1.43.) Within seconds, the bid stalls at one million Euros, and the gasp from the crowd identifies the excitement that prevails in the room. The successful bidder is the last one who bid one million , and the auctioneer counts down the bid, "Going once, going twice, and sold to the gentleman sitting in front of me for one million Euros."

Now, you are going to have to see the video for yourself. The auctioneer is exuberant. The pace is fast. This is how an auction should be run. Please note the excitement on the auctioneer's face after the final bid.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3e0yZCLjwfU

A Woman's Poem.:{>:


Unknown

He didn't like the casserole
And he didn't like my cake,
He said my biscuits were too hard
Not like his mother used to make.
I didn't perk the coffee right
He didn't like the stew,
I didn't mend his socks
The way his mother used to do..
I pondered for an answer
I was looking for a clue.
Then I turned around and
smacked the shiit out of him...

Like his mother used to do.:D

My nephew pulled some stuff from three old hard drives of mine onto a cd.
Going thru i found this old SNL skit by De Nero and several other funny bits....easily found on YouTube...Hiliarious..



http://www.bing.com/videos/search?q=...=0&FORM=NVPFVR

An Arizona Highway Patrol officer stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name.

'Fred,' he replies.

'Fred what?' the officer asks.

'Just Fred,' the man responds.

The officer is in a good mood, thinks he might just give the biker a break, and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name.

The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it.

The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. 'Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?'

The biker replies, "It's a long story, so stay with me.' I was born Fred Johnson. I studied hard and got good grades. When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD.

"After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through School, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS. Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD.

"Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD.
Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am Just Fred."

The officer walked away in tears, laughing.

Good one kings.:D


Here's an oldie but goodie..


SIPPING VODKA

> >> > >>> A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly
> >> > >>>speak.
> >> > >>>After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
> >> > >>> The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous
> >> > >>>on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass.
> >> > >>> If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
> >> > >>> So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning
> >> > >>>of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to
> >> > >>>talk up a storm.
> >> > >>> Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the
> >> > >>>following note on the door:
> >> > >>> 1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
> >> > >>> 2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
> >> > >>> 3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
> >> > >>> 4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
> >> > >>> 5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
> >> > >>> 6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J. C.
> >> > >>> 7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as
> >> > >>>Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
> >> > >>> 8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the **** out of him.
> >> > >>> 9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his
> >> > >>>donkey,don't say he was stoned off his ass.
> >> > >>> 10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
> >> > >>> 11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said,
> >> > >>>"Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me"
> >> > >>> 12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry,"
> >> > >>> 13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub
> >> > >>>thanks for the grub, yeah God.
> >> > >>> 14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St.
> >> > >>>Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

:):)