6-1-2-5-3-4

Exactly!

that's a first

Watch out Bob, I think he's trying to infiltrate the enemy. :D

guy comes home and his wife says ' your boss just called and said your fired'.
the guy says 'phuck him!!....wife says 'i did you start back monday!!!':eek:

Guts or balls................
We've all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really
know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed,
the definitions are exemplified below:

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by
your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning,
or are you flying somewhere?'

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of
perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and
having the balls to say: You're next,
Chubby.'

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.
Medically speaking there is no difference in the outcome.


>

Three Englishmen were in a bar and spotted an Irishman. So, one of the Englishmen walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder, and said, "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was a drunken loser."

"Oh really, hmm, didn't know that."

Puzzled, the Englishman walked back to his buddies. "I told him St. Patrick was a loser, and he didn't care." The second Englishman remarked, "You just don't know how to set him off...watch and learn." So, the second Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder and said, "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was lying, cheating, idiotic, low-life scum!"

"Oh really, hmm, didn't know that."

Shocked beyond belief, the Englishman went back to his buddies. "You're right. He's unshakable!"

The third Englishman remarked, "Boys, I'll really tick him off... just watch." So the third Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder and said, "I hear St. Patrick was an Englishman!"

"Yeah, that's what your buddies were trying to tell me

oddly....I was thinking the same thing!:D

Irish jokes for st. patricks day

You have to Love the Irish


Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important
meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said,
'Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass
every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!'

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, 'Never mind, I found one.'







Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and asks the first man he meets, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'

The man said, 'I do, Father.'

The priest said, 'Then stand over there against the wall.'

Then the priest asked the second man, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'

'Certainly, Father,' the man replied.

'Then stand over there against the wall,' said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and asked, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'

O'Toole said, 'No, I don't Father.'

The priest said, 'I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you
die you don't want to go to heaven?'

O'Toole said, 'Oh, when I die , yes. I thought you were getting a group
together to go right now.'









Paddy was in New York .

He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street
crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, 'Okay,
pedestrians.' Then he'd allow the traffic to pass.

He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.

After the cop had shouted, 'Pedestrians!' for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, 'Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?'
ababab

Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the
obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend,
Finney.

'Did you see the paper?' asked Gallagher. 'They say I died!!'

'Yes, I saw it!' replied Finney. 'Where are ye callin' from?'









An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding
in Connecticut . The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath
and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

He says, 'Sir, have you been drinking?'

'Just water,' says the priest.

The trooper says, 'Then why do I smell wine?'

The priest looks at the bottle and says, 'Good Lord! He's done it again!'







Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, 'Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman.'

'Oh yeah?' said Charlie, 'And how did this one end?'

'When it was over,' Mike replied, 'She came to me on her hands and knees.'

'Really,' said Charles, 'Now that's a switch! What did she say?'

She said, 'Come out from under the bed, you little chicken.'







Patton staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking
buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their
upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by
grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his
rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing
especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Patton sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in
the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He
managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.

In the morning, Patton woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Kathleen staring at him from across the room.

She said, 'You were drunk again last night weren't you?'

Patton said, 'Why you say such a mean thing?'

'Well,' Kathleen said, 'it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly .
it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.

Anybbody hear any good jokes lately?
 

An Israeli doctor said at a medical conference, "Medicine in my country is so advanced, we can take a kidney out of one person, put it into another and have him looking for work in six weeks!"

A german doctor stood up and said,"Well, medicine in my country is som advanced, we can take a lung out of one person and put it into another and have him looking for work in 4 weeks."

A Russian doctor got up and said "My country is even more advanced; we can remove half a heart from one person, put it into another and have them both looking for work in just 2 weeks!"

Not to be outdone, the American doctor stood up and adressed the conference, "Well", he said, "My country is so far advanced that we can take an ******* out of Chicago, put it in the White House and have half the country looking for work in 24 hours!"

Welcome to the board newcomer

Shouldn't you be unpacking in London about now instead of sending Hallmark Card salutations?

another irish joke from the italian guy




An Irish Daughter had not been home for over five years. Upon her return, her father yelled at her, "Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mum through? Why didn't ye call?"


The girl, crying, replied, "Dad, I ... I became a prostitute."



"Ye what??!! " screamed her father. "Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family!"



O, Dad, can ye not forgive me?" pleaded the girl through her tears. "If ye want me to leave, Il do as ye wish." She wiped her eyes and opened the suitcase she had brought with her. "I just came back to give Mum this mink coat, the title deed to a ten-bedroom mansion, and a savings certificate for $5 million. For me little brother, this gold Rolex. And for ye, Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside, plus a membership in the country
club..."



She blew her nose and took a breath. ".....and an invitation for ye all to spend New Year's Eve on board me new yacht in the Riviera, and...."

"What was it ye said ye had become?" asked her Dad.



The girl burst into tears again. "A.... a prostitute, Dad."

"Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said "a Protestant"....... Come here and give yer old dad a hug!"

When does a Mexiacn become a Spaniard?

when he marries your daughter.

Did you hear about the survey they did on the Flintstones in the Middle East? Turns out that people in the Gaza Strip don’t like them but people in Abu Dhabi Doo!...




aaaagggghhhhh!












thud...

:D
:tro:

Booooooooo :D

WISCONSIN JOKE

A man met a beautiful blonde lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away. She said, 'But we don't know anything about each other.' He said, 'That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along.'

So, she consented, and they were married, and went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort.

One morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 Meter board and did a two and a half tuck gainer, this was followed by a three rotations in a jackknife position, where he straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.

She said, 'That was incredible!'

He said, 'I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about ourselves as we went along.'



So she got up, jumped in the pool, and started doing laps. After about fifty laps she climbed back out and lay down on her towel, hardly out of breath.

He said, 'That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?'



'No.' she said, 'I was a hooker in La Crosse and I worked both sides of the Mississippi .

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello. He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from. So he says, "Do you know me?" to which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids".
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has been unfaithful to his wife and asks, "Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I had sex with on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my ass with wet celery?"
She looked into his eyes and said calmly, "No, I'm your son's teacher".

What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?

Nothing you haven't told her twice already.

A young executive was leaving the office late one evening when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.

"Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document here, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work?"

"Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.

"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I just need one copy."

Q) What does a vibrator and soybeans have in common?A)They are both meat substitutes!!!!:D

A guy's car breaks down in the middle of town, and he looks for a hotel to stay in while he waits for his car to be fixed. He finds a very small hotel and walks in.He asks the man at the counter, "Do you have any rooms available?"The man at the counter says, "Yeah, but don't stick your dick in the 3 holes.""OK." The guy agrees and walks to his room. A couple of days go by and his car is still in the shop. He gets curious and sticks his dick in the first hole. He says,"Ahh,that feels good!" Then he sticks his dick in the second hole,"Ahh,that feels even better!" Then he sticks his dick in the third hole,"OUCH!!My dick!!"He quickly pulled his dick out and it was all bloody. He was very confused, but he went to sleep. The next day he went to the counter to see what was in the holes, but before he could ask anything the man at the counter said, "You stuck your dick in the three holes didn't you?"He said, "Yeah, how did you know? "The man at the counter said, "Well, my wife is pregnant,my daughter is pregnant, and my pencil sharpener is broken. :eek:

A dog, a cat, and a penis are sitting around a camp fire one night. The dog says "" My life sucks, my master makes me do my business on a fire hydrent""! The cat says, ""I don't thing so, my master makes me do my business in a box of cat litter""! The penis outraged, says "" At least your master doesn't put a bag over your head and make you do push up's untill you throw up "" !

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?'

I said, 'Dust.'

And then the fight started...
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -----

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""

Nah, she can order for herself."

And then the fight started...

------------ --------- --------- ---

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband,
'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's just about perfect.'

And then the fight started.....

------------ --------- --------- ------

I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.

Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.

I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.

And then the fight started....

------------ --------- --------- --------- -----

My wife asked me if a certain dress made her behind look big. I told her not as much as the dress she wore yesterday

and then the fight started.....
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ;----

I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary? "

It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.

So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"

And that's when the fight started....

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ----

My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"

"No," she answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?"

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started....

Please more....I feel like im in a Henny Youngmen bit !

Very funny! :tro:

Old man goes to the doctor for a follow up visit. Dr. says "I've got bad news, you have AIDS and you have Alzheimer's". The old man looks at the Dr. and says "at least I don't have AIDS".

A little boy says to his mother, "Mommy, how come I'm black and you're white?"

His mother replied, "Don't even go there! From what I can remember about that party,you're lucky you don't bark!

Lifesavers
 

A teacher was doing a study testing the senses (taste) of
First graders using a bowl of lifesavers.

The children began to identify the flavors by their color:

Red......................Cherry
Yellow..................Lemon
Green...................Lime
Orange ................Orange

Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers.

After eating them, none of the children could identify the taste.

'Well,' she said, 'I will give you all a clue…it's what your mother may sometimes call your father.'

One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and yelled, “Oh my Gosh, they're ass-holes”

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. 'Human beings are the only animals that stutter,' she says.



A little girl raises her hand. 'I had a kitty-cat who stuttered.'

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.



'Well', she began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!'



'That must've been scary,' said the teacher.



'It sure was,' said the little girl. 'My kitty raised her back, went Sssss!, Sssss!!, Sssss!!!..... and before she could say '****!', the Rottweiler ate her!'

The teacher had to leave the room.

The doctor told his patient, "I have good news and I have bad news."

The patient said, "Let me have the bad news first."

Doctor says, "The bad news is that you have an incurable disease, and you have only six months to live."

The patient asked, "What's the GOOD news?"

"Well - you see that nurse out there with the great big tits? - I'm FUCl<ING her !!!!"

Old and simple, I really like this one:tro: !;)

;) :D

Daughter turns to her mama one day and asks her" Mama I heard that if her swallow sperm, you can get pregnant is that true"? Her mama says " that aint how you get pregnant, but it is how you pay the rent"! :D

Heard any good jokes lately?
 

A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, 'Ah, I see you have regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the expressway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but.......something happened. I'm trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your penis was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it.'

The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got $9000 in insurance compensation coming and we have technology now to build you a new penis that will work as well as your old one did, even better, in fact! But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's $1000 an inch".

The man perks up at this. "So", the doctor says, "it's for you to decide how many inches you want.......But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before and you decide to go for a nine incher, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time, she might be disappointed. So it is important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision."

The man agrees to talk with his wife. the doctor comes back the next day. The doctor asked "have you spoken with your wife"? "I have", said the man.
"And has she helped you in making the decision"?
"She has", said the man.
"And what is it"? asked the doctor.
"We're getting granite countertops".

A man in a bar asks the bartender where he might get some action in town. The bartender gives the man an address and tells him to knock on the door and say "big Moe wants to get fu**ed". The man thanks the bartender finishes his drink and leaves. When he gets to the address he knocks on the door and hears a burly mans voice say "waddya want" so he replies "big Moe wants to get fu**ed". After a few seconds he hears "slip a fifty under the door". He slips a fifty under the door and nothing happens. He knocks again and hears the same voice say "waddya want" so he replies "big Moe wants to get fu**ed". After a few second he hears... "again?"

A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault. She says "" But sir, its just a sperm bank!"" "I dont care, open it now.", he replies. So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples. The guy says "" Take one of those sperm samples and drink it""! , she looks at him ""BUT, they are sperm samples ??"", ""DO IT""!!! So the nurse sucks it back,."" That one there, drink that one as well"", so the nurse drinks that one as well. Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski
mask and says..."" See honey-its not that hard"" !!

A Catholic Priest, an Indian Doctor, a rich Chinese businessman and an Italian from New York were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers in front of them.

The Italian from New York fumed, 'What's with those jerks? We're waiting fifteen minutes between shots!'

The Indian Doctor chimed in, 'I don't know, but I've never seen such poor golf!'

The Chinese businessman called ou t: 'Move it, time is money'!!!

The Catholic Priest said, 'Here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him.'

"Excuse me, Sir", said the Catholic Priest, 'What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?'

The greens keeper replied, 'Oh, yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.'

The group fell silent for a moment.

The Catholic Priest said, 'That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.'

The Indian Doctor said, 'Good idea. I'm going to contact my Ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything that he might be able to do for them.'

The Chinese businessman replied, 'I think I'll donate $50,000 to the fire fighters Union in honor of these brave souls'!!

The Italian from New York said, 'Why The F.uck can't they play at night?

A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car. The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit is dead. The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.

A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the side of a road and pulls over. She steps out of the car and asks man what's wrong. "I feel terrible," he explains, "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it."

The blonde says, "Don't worry." She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can. She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit, bends down, and sprays the contents onto the rabbit. The rabbit jumps up, waves its paw at the two of
them and hops off down the road. Ten feet away the rabbit stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and
again and again, until he hops out of sight.

The man is astonished. He runs over to the woman and demands, "What is in that can? What did you spray on that rabbit?" The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label. It says, "Hair Spray - Restores life to dead hair, adds permanent wave."


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