for Old Dog :D

An elderly man in Louisiana had owned
a large farm for several years.He had a large pond in the back. It was
properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed
it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe
courts, and some apple and peach trees.
One evening the old farmer decided to
go down to the pond, as he hadn’t been
there for a while, and look it over.He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to
bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices
shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of
young women skinny-dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence
and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him,
“We’re not coming out until you leave!’

The old man frowned, “I didn’t come down here
to watch you ladies swim naked or make you
get out of the pond naked.”

Holding the bucket up he said,
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
“I’m here to feed the alligator…”

Ashkenazim
 

This cute piece of humor is totally Jewish. I've tried to translate for those of my friends who may not understand the words that are in Yiddish, the language of the Ashkenazim (defined below).

Sometime between Rosh Hashanah (the Jewish New Year) and Yom Kippur (the Jewish day of repentance -- the highest holy day in the Jewish religion), it is customary among Ashkenazim (the name given to Jews from Eastern Europe) to throw breadcrumbs into a body of water as a symbolic act of repentance, called Taschlich. Most Jews do Taschlich the afternoon of the first day of Rosh Hashanah. Family and friends gather together at the waterfront of a body of water to “cast away” the sins of the past year and resolve to be a better person in the year to come.

Occasionally, people ask what kinds of breadcrumbs should, (or might) be thrown. Here are some suggestions for breads which could be appropriate for specific sins and misbehaviors…

For ordinary sins - White bread
For erotic sins - French bread
For particularly dark sins - Pumpernickel
For complex sins - Multi-Grain
For sins of indecision - Waffles
For sins committed in haste - Matzos
For sins of chutzpah (loosely translated, having some nerve/brashness/rudeness) - Any fresh bread
For substance abuse - Stoned wheat
For committing auto theft - Caraway
For timidity/cowardice - Milk toast
For ill-temperedness - Sourdough
For silliness, eccentricity - Nut bread
For excessive irony - Rye bread
For taking unnecessary chances - “Hero” bread
For war-mongering - Kaiser rolls
For dressing immodestly - Tarts
For lechery and promiscuity - Hot buns
For promiscuity with Gentiles (non-Jews) - Hot cross buns
For racist attitudes - Crackers
For being “holier-than-thou” - Bagels
For overeating - Stuffing
For indecent photography - Cheesecake
For raising your voice too often - Challah (the "ch" is pronounced like an "H" -- don't worry, I didn't get it at first, either)
For pride and egotism - Puff pastry
For sycophancy, “ass-kissing” - Brownies
For being overly smothering - Angel food cake
For trashing the environment - Dumplings

How did I miss this? Thank you!

An old guy was working out at the gym when he spotted a young hot girl walking in. He asked the trainer standing next to him, "What machine should I use to impress that girl over there?" The trainer looked him up and down and said; "I would recommend the ATM in the lobby.

Yo mama so fat Donald Trump wants to pay her to sit at the Mexico-USA border

Not a written joke but this is some funny $hit....and people ask me why I am addicted to youtube :rolleyes: Classic outakes from Hollywood Squares, funny $hit

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sVKvt_l4-sY

Funny show, miss it and Lynde...

You ever see this bit:D


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Epw0J45X-FI

Drama in the Serengeti :D


A couple on an African Safari witnessed a small antelope being chased down by a cheetah.

While the kill was about to happen before their eyes, the husband casually remarked, “I’ll bet the antelope gets away.”

The wife answered, “If that antelope survives this one, I’ll give you sex every day for the rest of your life.”

The deadly chase was recorded. Click here. https://www.youtube.com/embed/DYDIwOnXNc8?rel=0

No one tells it better than Jethro....

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TonTGAfn2zI

"One of these days we gonna have to have a long talk" :D

On that page was a link to Rodney Dangerfield on Carson...hilarious.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cQLv7CG10B4

I couldn't eat lunch because I was laughing so hard.....sure miss Rodney, lots of gratitude for youtube...thanks Bigs

Exaggerator was all over facebook today, telling everyone how he came from last to first and won the Kentucky Derby.

Sounds like a good trade. I bet your picks, you tell my jokes.

anytime

A young man with his pants hanging half off his rear, two gold front teeth, and a half inch thick gold chain around his neck, walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.

He marched up to the counter and said, “Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I’d really rather have a job. I don’t like taking advantage of the system, getting something for nothing.”

The social worker behind the counter said “Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You’ll have to drive around in his 2016 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes.”
“Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You’ll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say, but you will also have, as part of your job, the assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20’s and has a rather strong sex drive.”
The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, “You’re bull-sh*ttin’ me!”
The social worker said, “Yeah, well.. You started it…”

The joke was so good, you had to say it twice?
:D

http://www.derbytrail.com/forums/showthread.php?t=60658

:eek::p

An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of church services when she was startled by an intruder. She caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables and yelled, "Stop! Acts 2:38 (Repent and be baptized, in the name of Jesus Christ so that your sins may be forgiven.) The burglar stopped in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done. As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar, "Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you." "Scripture?" replied the burglar. "She said she had an ax and two 38's!"

:o:D

I thought this was pretty funny
 

New United Flight Attendant...

Attachment 2678

One Saturday morning, the pastor noticed little Johnny was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. It was covered with names, and small American flags were mounted on either side of it. The seven-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so The pastor walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, "Good morning Johnny." "Good morning pastor Ron," replied the young man, still focused on the plaque. "Pastor, what is this?" Johnny asked. "Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service." Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque. Little Johnny's voice was barely audible when he asked, "Which one, the Wednesday night or Sunday morning service? :D

That joke needed a rimshot at the end of it :D

Quite old school my friend, I agree :D

Al Bundy insults :D

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rgDtgyzVZYk

no offense Nick :D

An engaged couple die & arrive in Heaven where they ask St Peter if can they still marry in Heaven. St Peter said he was not sure so would have to get back to them & 3 years later he returned saying ‘Yes they could’ & they were married.

It wasn’t long before they realised that they were not made for each other so they asked if there was such a thing as Divorce in Heaven?






St Peter replied:-
‘Listen it took me 3 years to find a Priest here, how long do you think it will take me to find a Lawyer?’

Col. Travis and Davy Crockett are looking over the wall at the Alamo when William says" Davy!. It looks bad!. There are Calvary and cannons all around us!"

Davy takes his field glasses, peers out over the landscape and replies " You're right Colonel. And where the hell did all of these landscapers come from?"

:tro::tro::tro::tro:

A woman arrived at a party.
While scanning the guests, she spotted an attractive man standing alone.
She approached him, smiled and said, "Hello. My name is Carmen."
"That’s a beautiful name," he replied. "Is it a family name?"
"No," she replied. "As a matter of fact I gave it to myself. It represents the things that I enjoy the most – cars and men. Therefore I chose 'Carmen'"
"What’s your name?” she asked.
He answered "B. J. Titsengolf."

A rookie police officer pulled a biker over for speeding and had the following exchange:
• Officer: May I see your driver's license?
• Biker: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.
• Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?
• Biker: It's not my bike. I stole it.
• Officer: The motorcycle is stolen?
• Biker: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the tool bag when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: There's a gun in the tool bag?
• Biker: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the dude who owns this bike and stuffed his dope in the saddle bags.
• Officer: There's drugs in the saddle bags too?!?!?
• Biker: Yes, sir. Hearing this, the rookie immediately called his captain. The biker was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the biker to handle the tense situation:
• Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
• Biker: Sure. Here it is. It was valid.
• Captain: Who's motorcycle is this?
• Biker: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration.
• Captain: Could you slowly open your tool bag so I can see if there's a gun in it?
• Biker: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it. Sure enough, there was nothing in the tool bag.
• Captain: Would you mind opening your saddle bags? I was told you said there's drugs in them.
• Biker: No problem. The saddle bags were opened; no drugs.
• Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole this motorcycle, had a gun in the tool bag, and that there were drugs in the saddle bags.
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v

v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v

• Biker: Yeah, I'll bet he told you I was speeding, too.

LOL :D

Q. and how does one make Holy Water???
A. boil the Hell out of it


andQ. why does Helen Keller have purple hands and fingers???
A. she https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WWvwP72FuVg