bump

Mrs Brown's sticky situation :D




http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tjJc8...ature=youtu.be

:)

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Ultimate (blech) dog tease :D

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nGeKSiCQkPw

I never get tired of that one. :)

:D Great...sent it to my dog loving family members..

Ruben Amaro Jr.

:D

A couple is dressed and ready to go out for the evening. They phone for a cab, turn on a night light,
Cover their pet parakeet and put the cat out in the back yard.

The taxi arrives, and they open the front door to leave. Suddenly the cat they put out scoots back into the house.
They don't want the cat shut in there because she always tries to eat the bird. The wife goes out to the taxi while
The husband goes back in. The cat runs upstairs, with the man in hot pursuit.

The wife doesn't want the driver to know the house will be empty. She explains to the taxi driver that her husband
Will be out soon. "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."

A few minutes later the husband gets into the cab.

"Sorry I took so long," he says, as they drive away. "Stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. Had to poke her with a
Coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked.
I hauled her fat butt downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!

The cab driver hit a parked car.

More AZ bad news..
 

Largest Drug Bust In Arizona History

A News Report Stated That Police Have Raided A House And Discovered A Room
Containing 2 Tons of Crack.




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The arresting Officers are undergoing counseling...

What's the difference between a women and a terrorist?


You can negotiate with a terrorist

This is so true! They always ask at the doctor's office why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others what is wrong and sometimes it is embarrassing. There is nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients. I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.

A 65-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk. The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?' 'There's something wrong with my d*ck', he replied. The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that. ' 'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.

The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.' The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone. The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.

The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??' 'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated. The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.. 'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?' 'I can't piss out of it,' he replied. :p

The waiting room erupted in laughter... Mess with seniors, and you're going to lose.

Have not contributed in way to long....
 

Here is one that has gotten some chuckles.

This preacher was visiting an elderly parishioner. She invites him in, and sitting on the counter he notices a big bowl of peanuts. He says excuse me ma'am, would you mind if I had some peanuts? She says sure, help yourself. So they sit down and chat for an hour, or hour and a half and as he gets ready to leave he discovers he has eaten the entire bowl of peanuts. He says, I am so sorry I have eaten all the peanuts. She says " Oh that's ok, since I have lost my teeth all I can do is suck the chocolate off them" :D

:D:D

Have you seen this card shark..

Did you really think that you had seen most forms of cheating at card games.


http://ourlighterside.com/wp-content...rd_game_01.gif

Always good to have an Ace in the hole!!!!!!

LOL :D

Has this ice cream truck been in your area? Haven't seen it around here yet:tro:
I wanna try the vanilla quickie:tro:



http://www.nydailynews.com/life-styl...icle-1.1843305

In the immortal words of Yakov Smirnoff " WHAT A COUNTRY" :D

Its an old one.....:D

An old blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake...

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl with a 'Billy-Club'.

3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.

5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

'Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy.... Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters,
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
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>
'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times............'

A new fragrance :D...wonder who put this together:)


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9yRJiP4f_EU

Don't know about the video, but the skit was from the Bob and Tom Show out of Indy. Kristi Lee and Chick McGee and Bob, Tom's and other's stupid laughs, even though this was pretty funny w/o that laughs ;)

Doug Smith is on his deathbed and knows the end is near. His nurse,
his wife, his daughter and two sons are with him.
So, he says to them:
"Bernie, I want you to take the Mayfair houses."
"Sybil, you take the apartments over in the east end."
"Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the City Centre."
"Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential
buildings on the banks of the river."
The nurse is just blown away by all this, and as Doug slips away,
she says, "Mrs. Smith, your husband must have been such a
hard-working man to have accumulated all this property".

v
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Sarah
replies, "Property? .... the IDIOT had a paper route

Have a GREAT DAY and BE SAFE!

Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was
drafted by the Army.
On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb.
That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.
On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush.
That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.
On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap.
The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years. :D

:D:tro:

Q: What does Barack Obama call illegal aliens?

A: Undocumented democrats.

Actually I think this is even funnier


http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/0...n_5635416.html

:)

On that page Geraldo dares to question Hannity:tro:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/0...ml?cps=gravity

And this cartoon just in..Boehner Blowing Smoke

My wife reduced our sex life to twice a week, which isn't bad, I know three guys she cut out completely..:D

Rodney Dangerfield :tro:

It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift certificate envelope. At the second house they presented him with a box of fine imported cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures. At each of the houses along his route, he was met with congratulations, farewells, cards, and gifts of all types and values. At the final house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful young blonde in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where they had a most passionate liaison. Afterwards, they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, ".....but what's the dollar for?" "Well," she said, "Last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you?" He said, "...Screw him...give him a dollar." The blonde then blushed and said, "....But the breakfast was my idea."
:D

62-year-old Sheridan , Wyoming cowboy: "Gimme 3 packets of Trojans."
Pharmacist: "Do you need a paper bag?"
Cowboy: "Nah ... She's purty good lookin'...."
When you are over sixty-one who gives a shit?

***********

This ******* looked at my beer belly last night and
sarcastically said, "Is that Corona or Bud?"
I said, "There's a tap underneath; taste it and find out."
When you are over sixty-one who gives a shit?

***********

I was talking to a girl in the bar last night. She said,
"If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your
hair cut, you'd look okay."
I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over
there instead of you."
When you are over sixty-one who gives a shit?

***********

I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess
what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs.
"Really" she said, "Go on then...try."
After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose
patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?"
I said, "Yesterday."
When you are over sixty-one who gives a shit?

***********

The Drill Sergeant

The Marine Corps Drill Sergeant noticed a new recruit and barked at him, 'Get your ass over here! What's your name?"
"Paul," the new recruit replied.
"Look, I don't know what kind of bleeding-heart pansy bull-**** they're teaching in boot camp today, but I don't call anyone by his first name," the sergeant scowled.
"It breeds familiarity, and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my recruits by their last names only --- Smith, Jones, Baker.
I am to be referred to only as 'Sergeant.' Do I make myself clear?"
"Yes, sir, Sergeant!"
"Now that we've got that straight, what's your last name?"
The recruit sighed. "Darling, My name is Paul Darling."
"Okay, Paul, now here's what I want you to do ....."

Have any of you guys ever had rodeo sex?





Rodeo sex is when you're riding your wife or girlfriend doggie style and you call her by the wrong name and see if you can stay on for 8 seconds.




Whoa! :eek






Thud

I heard that one before. But where and when I can not remember. I think I was celebrating a championship. :tro:

I read this one yesterday on, of all places, a blog by a woman who fled the Quiverfull movement. When asked what sex with a Quiverfull husband is like, she said, it's like the old joke about the boy bunny meeting the girl bunny in a field and saying, "Don't worry, this won't take long, did it?"

i saw that yesterday. too funny!

After yesterday's break in
 

New White House Security:eek:




http://www.theonion.com/articles/oba...r-bed-n,36986/

For GPK - where have you been ?

Mortimer von Clydee was at the country club for his weekly round of golf. He began his round with an eagle on the first hole and a birdie on the second.

On the third hole he had just scored his first ever hole-in-one when his cell phone rang... It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a accident and was in critical condition and in ICU.

The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that he'd be there as soon as possible. As he hung up he realized he was leaving what was shaping up to be his best ever round of golf.

He decided to get in a couple of more holes before heading to the hospital.
He ended up playing all eighteen, finishing his round shooting a personal best 61, shattering the club record by five strokes and beating his previous best game by more than 10. He was jubilant....

Then he remembered his wife. Feeling guilty he dashed to the hospital. He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about his wife's condition.

The doctor glared at him and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your round of golf didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself!"

"While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself at the country club your wife has been languishing in the ICU! It's just as well you went ahead and finished that round because it will be more than likely your last!
For the rest of her life she will require round the clock care and you will be her care giver! She will need IV's; you will have to change her colostomy bag every 3 hours; she will have to be spoon fed 3 times a day and don't forget the hygiene care."

The man broke down and sobbed.

The doctor chuckled and said, "I'm just fucl<ing with you. She's dead. What'd you shoot?"

According to the standings in the IFHA / Longines World's Best Jockey battle, Joseph O'Brien is currently tied for 1st place.

If that isn't a big joke I don't know what is.

http://www.horseracingintfed.com/def...=Racing&area=3

Priest's Retirement Speech:)

A Priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish.
A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner.
However, he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited: Thank Goodness we Catholics have a wonderful sense of humor!
“I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents; embezzled from his employer; had an affair with his boss’s wife; had sex with his boss’s 17 year old daughter on numerous occasions, taken illegal drugs; had several homosexual affairs; was arrested several times for public nudity and gave VD to his sister. I was appalled that one person could do so many awful things. But as the days went on, I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.”
Just as the Priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk:
“I’ll never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived,” said the politician. “In fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession.”
Moral: Never, Never, Never Be Late!

RoR !