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John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said,
"Here's to spending the rest of me Life, between the legs of me wife !" That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night ! He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of The night." She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?" John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife." "Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said. The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street Corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary." She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been in there twice in the last four years. "Once I had to pull him by the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell asleep". |
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All his stand-ups on Carson and other shows were outstanding.:D one of a kind.. |
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Caddyshack 1980 Back to School 1986 Easy Money 1983 |
An Irishman, by the name of O'Malley proposed to his girl on St. Patrick's Day. He gave her a ring with a synthetic diamond. The excited young lass showed it to her father, a jeweller. He took one look at it and saw it wasn't real.
The young lass on learning it wasn't real returned to her future husband. She protested vehemently about his cheapness. 'It was in honour of St. Patrick's Day, 'he smiled. 'I gave you a sham rock.' |
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Chuckle:) |
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my contrib.......
A man comes home from an exhausting day at work, plops down on the couch in front of the television, and tells his wife, "Get me a beer before it starts." The wife sighs and gets him a beer. Fifteen minutes later, he says, "Get me another beer before it starts." She looks cross, but fetches another beer and slams it down next to him. He finishes that beer and a few minutes later says, "Quick, get me another beer, it's going to start any minute." The wife is furious. She yells at him "Is that all you're going to do tonight? Drink beer and sit in front of that TV? You're nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob, and furthermore ..." The man sighs and says, "It's started |
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A 65 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.
While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?" God said, "No, you have another 33 years, 2 months and 8 days to live." Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, eye-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair color and brighten her teeth! Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it. After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance. Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 33 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?" Scroll down.... God replied: I didn't recognize you." :D |
Lawyer joke..
A very successful attorney parked his brand new Bentley in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he was getting out, a truck came along too closely and completely tore off the driver's door.
Fortunately, a cop in a police car was close enough to see the accident and pulled up behind the Bentley with his ...lights flashing. Before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the attorney started screaming hysterically about how his Bentley, which he had just purchased the day before, was completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how any car body shop tried to make it new again. After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you neglect the most important things in life." "How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer The cop replied, "Don't you even realize that your left arm is missing? It was severed when the truck hit you!" "OH, MY GOD!!!" screamed the lawyer. "My Rolex!" |
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The Old Man And The Beaver
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An 86-year-old man went to his doctor
for his quarterly check-up... Attachment 2141 The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the 86-year-old said, "Things are great and I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. So what do you think about that, Doc ?" The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story. "I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day he was setting off to go hunting. In a bit of a hurry , he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. As he neared a lake, he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge.. He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature. Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'. Miraculously , two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. Now, what do you think of that ?" asked the doctor. The 86-year-old said, "Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver." The doctor replied, "My point exactly." |
Italian auction
You don't have to understand Italian to follow the auctioneer:
A Chinese Ming Vase is up for auction. The bidding opens at a half-million Euros. Bidding is brisk and each bidder is clearly identified as each raises the bid by 100,000 Euros. (The exchange rate at auction time was 1 Euro = $1.43.) Within seconds, the bid stalls at one million Euros, and the gasp from the crowd identifies the excitement that prevails in the room. The successful bidder is the last one who bid one million , and the auctioneer counts down the bid, "Going once, going twice, and sold to the gentleman sitting in front of me for one million Euros." Now, you are going to have to see the video for yourself. The auctioneer is exuberant. The pace is fast. This is how an auction should be run. Please note the excitement on the auctioneer's face after the final bid. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3e0yZCLjwfU |
A Woman's Poem.:{>:
Unknown He didn't like the casserole And he didn't like my cake, He said my biscuits were too hard Not like his mother used to make. I didn't perk the coffee right He didn't like the stew, I didn't mend his socks The way his mother used to do.. I pondered for an answer I was looking for a clue. Then I turned around and smacked the shiit out of him... Like his mother used to do.:D |
My nephew pulled some stuff from three old hard drives of mine onto a cd.
Going thru i found this old SNL skit by De Nero and several other funny bits....easily found on YouTube...Hiliarious.. http://www.bing.com/videos/search?q=...=0&FORM=NVPFVR |
An Arizona Highway Patrol officer stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name.
'Fred,' he replies. 'Fred what?' the officer asks. 'Just Fred,' the man responds. The officer is in a good mood, thinks he might just give the biker a break, and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name. The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. 'Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?' The biker replies, "It's a long story, so stay with me.' I was born Fred Johnson. I studied hard and got good grades. When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD. "After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through School, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS. Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD. "Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD. Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am Just Fred." The officer walked away in tears, laughing. |
Good one kings.:D
Here's an oldie but goodie.. SIPPING VODKA > >> > >>> A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly > >> > >>>speak. > >> > >>>After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. > >> > >>> The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous > >> > >>>on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. > >> > >>> If I start to get nervous, I take a sip." > >> > >>> So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning > >> > >>>of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to > >> > >>>talk up a storm. > >> > >>> Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the > >> > >>>following note on the door: > >> > >>> 1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp. > >> > >>> 2. There are 10 commandments, not 12. > >> > >>> 3. There are 12 disciples, not 10. > >> > >>> 4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated. > >> > >>> 5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass. > >> > >>> 6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J. C. > >> > >>> 7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as > >> > >>>Daddy, Junior and the Spook. > >> > >>> 8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the **** out of him. > >> > >>> 9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his > >> > >>>donkey,don't say he was stoned off his ass. > >> > >>> 10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T." > >> > >>> 11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, > >> > >>>"Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me" > >> > >>> 12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry," > >> > >>> 13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub > >> > >>>thanks for the grub, yeah God. > >> > >>> 14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. > >> > >>>Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's. |
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A REAL DILEMMA :D ....... NRA joke!
Now this would be embarrassing:o A man walked into a crowded local bar, waved his 6-shot revolver around, and yelled, "Who in here has been screwing my wife?" A voice from the back of the bar yelled out, "You're gonna need more ammo!" |
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What about the horse that walked into a bar... the barkeep look him over and said "Hey big fella, why the long face?" :) I was told this was one of two of the greatest jokes ever. The other was slightly off color. Let me know if I should post it (non-cursing of course) |
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Sure post it...this is the kooky forum for us kooks..:D...even better if it's about Texas:tro: |
Scout's nice letter to Mom
Dear Mom,
Our Scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and got worried. We are okay. Only one of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Adam when it happened. Oh yes, please call Adam's mother and tell her he is okay. He can't write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search and rescue Jeeps. It was great. We never would have found Adam in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning. Scoutmaster Ted got mad at Adam for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Adam said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him. Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas will blow up? The wet wood didn't burn, but one of the tents did and also some of our clothes. Matthew is going to look weird until his hair grows back. We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Ted gets the bus fixed. It wasn't his fault about the crash. The brakes worked okay when we left. Scoutmaster Ted said that with a bus that old, you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance. We think it's a super bus. He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the bumpers. It gets pretty hot with 45 people in a bus made for 24. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the policeman stopped and talked to us. Scoutmaster Ted is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Horace how to drive on the mountain roads where there aren't any cops. All we ever see up there are huge logging trucks. This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out to the rapids. Scoutmaster Ted wouldn't let me because I can't swim, and Adam was afraid he would sink because of his cast (it's concrete because we didn't have any plaster), so he let us take the canoe out. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood. Scoutmaster Ted isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about the life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on the bus so we are trying not to cause him any trouble. Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Andrew dived into the lake and cut his arm, we all got to see how a tourniquet works. Steve and I threw up, but Scoutmaster Ted said it was probably just food poisoning from the left-over chicken. He said they got sick that way with food they ate in prison. I'm so glad he got out and became our scoutmaster. He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time. By the way, what is a pedal-file? I have to go now. We are going to town to post our letters and buy some more beer and ammo. Don't worry about anything. We are fine and tonight it's my turn to sleep in the Scoutmaster's tent. |
For the Game of Thrones fans:
Why doesn't George RR Martin use Twitter? Because he killed all 140 characters. |
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SIL sent this one in....
>> A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas , walks into a bar and
>> orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room drinking a sip >> out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar >> and orders three more. >> >> The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat >> after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time." >> >> The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in >> Arizona , the other is in Colorado . When we all left our home in Texas >> , we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank >> together. So I’m drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for >> myself." >> >> The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. >> >> The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. >> He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn. >> >> One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars there >> take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second >> round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I >> wanted to offer my condolences on your loss." >> >> The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his >> eyes and he laughs. >> "Oh, no, everybody’s just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and >> I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking." >> >> "Hasn’t affected my brothers though." |
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THE KNEELING HIGH JUMP
This is incredible! Do you realize just how difficult this is? Attachment 2160 Are you aware that a new world record has been set for the HIGH JUMP from a KNEELING position? The record (0.757 metres) - remember this is from a KNEELING position and was set recently on a beach near Montpellier in Southern France .. The photograph below was taken a split second before the jump but it gives you an idea as to how it was achieved... Attachment 2161 |
Bigs.........you are a riot, no offense :D
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THE TRIBULATIONS OF AGING !!!!!!!
A 79-year-old man was requested by his Doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.' The next day the 79-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this -- first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. 'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. 'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing ...' The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbor?' The old man replied, 'Yep, NONE of us could get the jar open." |
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:D:D I just take my bed sheets to the Doc..:eek: |
Oldie but goodie..
Stanley died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best deer hunting friends, Cooter and Gomer. The three men had always hunted and fished together and were long time members of a hunting camp. Cooter arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Cooter said, 'Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.' The mortician rolled him over and Cooter said, 'Nope, ain't Stanley .' The mortician thought this was rather strange, So he brought Gomer in to confirm the identity of the body. Gomer looked at the body and said, 'Yup, he's pretty well burnt up, Roll him over. The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, 'No, it ain't Stanley .' The mortician asked, 'How can you tell?' Gomer said, 'Well, Stanley had two ass-holes.' 'What! He had two ass-holes?' asked the mortician. 'Yup, we never seen 'em, but everybody used to say: 'There's Stanley with them two ass-holes.' |
One for the nerds:
Heisenberg and Schrodinger are in a car, Heisenberg in the driver's seat, when they are pulled over by a traffic cop. The officer asks, "do you know how fast you were going?" Heisenberg replies, "No, but I know exactly where I am!" The officer says "you were going 90 miles per hour!" Heisenberg throws up his hands and cries, "Great! Now I'm lost!" The officer orders the men outside of the car, and proceeds to inspect the vehicle. He opens the trunk and says to them, "Hey! Did you guys know you have a dead cat back here?" Schrodinger throws up his hands and says, "Well, NOW we do!" |
Why is it so hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs?
Because they always take things literally. |
Pavlov is enjoying a pint in the pub. The phone rings. He jumps up and shouts: “Hell, I forgot to feed the dog!”
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This Tim Conway and Carol Burnett skit never aired. WONDER WHY?
http://www.youtube.com/embed/sJIh70IZua8?rel=0 |
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How bout his jockey skit with Carson.. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fhO7dMEthK4 And the hall of fame classic the dentist...Harvey Korman cracks up.. http://www.bing.com/videos/search?q=...=0&FORM=NVPFVR |
a guy complains to his doctor...Doc, I'm really scared here..my thing has turned all orange...Doc says let me run some tests and tells the guy to call him the next day...The guy calls the Doc the next day and asks... Well what did you find Doc...The Doc says all the test came back fine, tell me what you do all day...The guy says ...Well Doc, I really don't do much.... mostly just sit around eating cheese doodles and watching porn....
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