A man calls home to check in with his wife, to let her know he'll be home early, when suddenly, a strange woman answers.

The confused man inquires, ''Who is this?''

''This is the maid,'' answers the woman.

''We don't have a maid,'' says the man.

The woman says, ''I was hired this morning by the lady of the house.''

"I told her we didn't need one, " the man muttered under his breath. ''Well, this is her husband. Is she there?''

The woman replies, ''She is upstairs in the bedroom with someone...who I thought was her husband.''

The man, suddenly realizes what's going on and begins to fume. Moments later, he says to the maid, ''Listen, would you like to make $50,000?''

The maid hesistates, but answers, ''What do I have to do?''

The man explains to her: ''I want you to get my gun from the desk, and shoot the witch and the jerk she's with.''

The maid pauses for a moment to consider the awful deed and puts the phone down. A minute later, the man hears footsteps and then two gun shots!

The maid comes back to the phone breathing heavily, and with a slight quiver in her voice asks, ''What do I do with the bodies?''

The man, quite despondent at this point, replies, ''Throw them in the swimming pool.''

Puzzled, the maid answers, ''But you don't have a pool.''

A long pause follows.

Another long pause.

Finally the man asks:

''Is this 567-5309?''

Sister Mary is conducting her class and she poses this question.Who can tell me who was the most important person in history? For that the person with the right answer will get a perfect grade for the class.From the back of the room Leroy raises his hand and says Michael Jordan.Sister Mary replies i'm sorry but that's not the right answer.Then William raises his hand and he replies P. Diddy.Sister Mary tells him i'm sorry but that's not correct William.From the back of the room Abraham raises his hand and says Jesus Christ.Sister Mary with great jubilation says you're correct and now have a perfrect grade for the class.As class ends and the children leave Sister Mary asks Abraham to come over to her desk and says to him,You're the only jewish boy in this class but yet you knew the right answer.Abraham thanks her and informs sister Mary, everyone knows Moses was the most important person in history,but lets face it businesss is business.

Warding off illness and diseases.

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties. She was

admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the

pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room.

She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.



As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister

noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled

with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she

returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.



The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of

water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and He

could no longer resist. " Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would

tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.



"Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking

through the Park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground.

The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would

prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had

the flu all winter?

This is a strictly mathematical viewpoint...it goes like this:

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder >about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been >to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about >achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But ,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's theBullshit and Ass kissing that will put you over the top.

Mattel recently announced the release of limited-edition Barbie Dolls
for the Kentucky market:


"Lexington Barbie "
This princess Barbie is sold only at Fayette Mall. She comes with an
assortment of Coach Handbags, a Lexus SUV, a long-haired foreign dog
named Honey and a cookie-cutter house. Available with or without tummy tuck and face lift. Workaholic Ken sold only in conjunction with the augmented
version.


" Owensboro Barbie"
The modern day homemaker Barbie is available with Ford Windstar
Minivan and matching gym outfit. She gets lost easily and has no full-time occupation.
Traffic jamming cell phone sold separately.


" Bulitt County Barbie"
>This recently paroled Barbie comes with a 9mm handgun, a hunting
knife,a Chevy with dark tinted windows, and a Meth Lab Kit. This model is only available after dark and must be paid for in cash (preferably small, untraceable
bills) ..unless you are a cop, then we don't know what you are talking about.


"Louisville (east end) Barbie"
This yuppie Barbie comes with your choice of BMW convertible or Hummer
H2.
Included are her own Starbucks cup, credit card and country club
membership.
Also available for this set are Shallow Ken and Private School Skipper. You won't be able to afford any of them.


" Muhlenburg County Barbie"
This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans two sizes too
small, a NASCAR t-shirt and tweety bird tattoo on her shoulder. She
has a six-pack of Bud light and a Hank Williams Jr. CD set. She can spit over 5 feet and kick mullet-haired Ken's ass when she is drunk. Purchase her pickup truck separately and get a confederate flag bumper sticker absolutely free.


" Covington Barbie"
This collagen injected, rhino plastic Barbie wears a leopard print
outfit and drinks cosmopolitans while entertaining friends.
Percocet prescription available as well as warehouse conversion condo.

" Ohio County Barbie"
This tobacco-chewing, brassy-haired Barbie has a pair of her own
high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased
beer-gutted Ken out of Lexington Barbie's house. Her ensemble includes low-rise acid-washed jeans, fake fingernails, and a see-through halter-top. Also available with a mobile home.


" Bowling Green Barbie"
This doll is made of actual tofu. She has long straight brown hair,
arch-less feet, hairy armpits, no makeup and Birkenstocks with white
socks.
She prefers that you call her Willow . She does not want or need a Ken doll, but if you purchase two Vanderbilt Barbies and the optional Subaru wagon, you get a rainbow flag bumper sticker for free.


" Casey County Barbie"
This Barbie now comes with a stroller and infant doll. Optional
accessories include a GED and WIC vouchers. Nascar Ken, Jr and his 1982 Monte Carlo where available, but are now very difficult to find since the addition of the infant.



" Laurel County Barbie"
She's perfect in every way. We don't know where Ken is because he's
always out with the boys drinking. Includes lifetime supply of Hairspray.
Optional
>accessories include Bedazzled sweater and matching belt.



" Love's Truck Stop Barbie/Ken"
This versatile doll can be easily converted from Barbie to Ken by
simply
adding or subtracting the multiple snap-on parts.

that's funny...cause you can get some very similar Vermont limited edition barbies;)

>Limited Edition Vermont Barbie
>
>
>Mattel recently announced the release of Limited Edition Barbie Dolls
>for the Vermont Market:
>
>Williston Barbie
>This princess Barbie is only sold at exclusive Williston stores. She
>comes with an assortment of Kate Spade Handbags, a Lexus SUV, a
>long-haired foreign dog named Honey and a cookie cutter house. Available
>with or without tummy tuck and face lift. Workaholic Ken sold only in
>conjunction with "augmented" version.
>
>South Burlington Barbie
>This modern day homemaker Barbie is available with Ford Windstar Minivan
>and matching gym outfit. She gets lost easily and has no full time
>occupation or secondary education. Traffic jamming cell phone sold
>separately.
>
>Old North End Barbie
>This recently paroled Barbie comes with a 9mm handgun, a Ray Lewis
>knife, a Chevy with dark tinted windows and a Meth Lab Kit. This model
>is only available after dark and can only be paid for in cash.
>Preferably small, untraceable bills. Unless you are a cop, then we don't
>know what you are talking about.
>
>Essex / Shelburne Barbie
>This yuppie Barbie comes with your choice of BMW convertible or Hummer
>h3. Included are her own Starbucks cup, credit card and country club
>membership. Also available for this set are Shallow Ken and Private
>School Skipper. You won't be able to afford any of them.
>
>Milton Barbie
>This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans two sizes too
>small, a NASCAR shirt and tweety bird tattoo on her shoulder. She has a
>six pack of Coors light and a Hank Williams, Jr. CD set. She can spit
>over 5 feet and kick mullet-haired Ken's butt when she's drunk. Purchase
>her pickup truck separately and get a confederate flag bumper sticker
>absolutely free.
>
>Stowe Barbie
>This collagen injected, rhinoplastic Barbie wears a leopard print ski
>outfit and drinks Cosmopolitans while entertaining friends at the lodge.
>Optional Percocet prescription available.
>
>Barton Barbie
>This tobacco chewing, brassy haired Barbie has a pair of her own
>high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased
>Beer-Gutted Ken out of Hardwick Barbie's house. Her ensemble includes
>low rise acid washed jeans, fake finger nails, and a see through halter
>top. Also available with a mobile home and 8-track tape player.
>
>Montpelier Barbie
>This doll is made of actual tofu. She has long straight brown hair,
>arch-less feet, hairy armpits, no makeup and Birkenstocks with white
>socks. She prefers that you call her "Willow". She does not want or need
>a Ken doll, but if you purchase two Montpelier Barbies and the optional
>Subaru wagon, you get a rainbow flag sticker for free.
>
>Richmond Barbie
>This Barbie comes with her own mountain bike. Available with SUV,
>complete with Kayak on the roof and dog in the back. Optional Ken doll
>also comes with his own mountain bike and dog.
>
>Barre Barbie
>This Barbie is only 14 and comes with a stroller and infant doll.
>Optional accessories include a GED and bus pass. Gangsta Ken and his '79
>Caddy were available, but are now very difficult to find since the
>addition of the infant.

Time to bring this thread back up for the "newbies".
Today it won't be about Judge Larry. His antics have been funny enough.
I was thinking about one for Anna Nicole. Boob rot doesn't seem worthwhile.
Just put her in the ground already!
Yet, somehow, death can be laughed at, so I'll put this one out.
Also, "newbies"...add your own.

"Dead Penis"

An old man, Mr. Smith, resided in a nursing home.

One day he went into the nurses' office and informed Nurse Jones his penis died. Nurse Jones, realizing that Mr. Smith was old and forgetful, decided To play along with him. "It did? I'm sorry to hear that," she replied.

Two days later, Mr. Smith was walking down the halls at the nursing home with his penis hanging outside his pants. Nurse Jones saw him and said, "Mr. Smith, I thought you told me your penis died."

"It did," he said. "Today is the viewing."

Is there a Bomoseen Barbie as well?

50 Years of Marriage
 

With a man soon to celebrate his 50th wedding
anniversary at the church's marriage marathon,

the minister asked Pete to take a few minutes and

share some insight into how he managed to maintain

his marriage with the same woman all these years.


The husband replied to the audience, "Well, I

treated her with respect, spent money on her, but

mostly I took her traveling on special occasions.


"The minister inquired "Trips to where?"
"For our 25th anniversary, I took her to Beijing, China.


"The minister then said, "What a terrific example you

are to all husbands, Pete. Please tell the audience what

you're going to do for your wife on your 50th anniversary?"



Pete: "I'm going to go get her."

Samm's joke....

A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when

a masked robber ran out of a bank and shot her three times in

the stomach.

Luckily the babies were OK. The surgeon decided to leave the bullets in

because it wastoo risky to operate. She gave birth to two healthy daughters

and a healthy son.



All was fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked

into the room in tears. "What's wrong?" asked the mother.

"I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out,"

replied the daughter.The mother told her it was okay

and explained what happened 16 years ago.



About a week later the second daughter walked into

the room in tears. "Mom, I was taking a tinkle and this

bullet came out." Again the mother told her not to worry

and explained what happened 16 years ago.



A week later her son walked into the room in tears.

"It's okay" said the Mom, "I know what happened.

You were taking a tinkle and a bullet came out."

"No," said the boy, "I was playing with myself and I shot the dog."!

This may have been posted before but if you haven't read it you will pee your pants..My all time favorite..

Texas Chili Cookoff


TEXAS CHILI TASTING
If you can read this whole story without laughing then there's no hope for you. I was crying by the end. Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better.

For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park. Judge #3 was an
inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL.

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted".


Here are the scorecard notes from the event:


CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI...

Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy s**t, what the h**l is this stuff? You could
remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put

the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.



CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI...

Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.

Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what
I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people

who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more

beer when they saw the look on my face.



CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI...

Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.

Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.

Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels
like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get
me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my
backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting s**t-faced from
all of the beer.



CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC...

Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish

or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable
to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the

beermaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-LB woman
is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is
chili an aphrodisiac?



CHILI # 5 LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...

Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must
admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I
can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me

needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that
her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding
by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if

I'm burning my lips off. It really p****s me off that the other judges
asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.



CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY...

Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
spices and peppers.

Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
garlic. Superb.

Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
sulfuric flames. I s**t on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will
eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand

behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe
my a** with a snow cone.



CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI...

Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried
about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing
uncontrollably.

Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I

wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds
like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which
slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my
shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've
decided to stop breathing it's too painful.
Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just

suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.



CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI...

Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too
bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild

nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted,
passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself.
Not sure if he's going to make it. poor feller, wonder how he'd have
reacted to really hot chili?

Judge # 3 - No Report

Lesson On The Evils Of Liquor

A chemistry teacher wanted to teach his 9th grade class a lesson about the
evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of
water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms.

"Now, class, observe the worms closely," he said, putting a worm first into
the water. The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water
could be.

The second worm he put into the whiskey. It writhed painfully, and quickly
sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail.

"Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?" the teacher asked.

One of the students raised his hand and wisely, responded, "Drink whiskey
and you won't get worms."

Never question a drunk....

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she
selected
>>A half-gallon of 2% milk,
>>A carton of eggs,
>>A quart of orange juice,
>>A head of romaine lettuce,
>>A 2 lb. bag of coffee,
>>And 1 lb. package of bacon.
>>
>>As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check
out, a
>>drunk
>>standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front
of the
>>cashier.
>>While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk
calmly
>>stated,
>>"You must be single."
>>
>>The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was

>>intrigued by
>>the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She
looked
>>at her six
>>items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about
her
>>selections
>>that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.
>>
>>Curiosity getting the better of her, she said: "Well, you know

>>what, you're
>>absolutely right. But how on earth did you know that?"
>>
>>The drunk replied, "'Cause you're ugly."