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whoa!
That was wild..the poor dear. And the hunters use the obligatory goofy smile pose over the creature they shot with their gun. blech |
Get R' Done :D
(I felt bad for the head that was on the a.ss end.) |
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And which end was that?? |
Did you read the article? It was the one that had the.... dupa hole under it's throat.
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I did not!
But you did'un have to tell me!! barf! |
Ellen and her husband Bob went for counseling after 25 years of marriage.
When asked what the problem was, Ellen went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 25 years they had been married. She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage. Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking Ellen to stand, embraced her, unbuttoned her blouse and bra, put his hands on her breasts and massaged them thoroughly, while kissing her passionately as her husband Bob watched with a raised eyebrow! Ellen shut up, buttoned up her blouse, and quietly sat down while basking in the glow of being highly aroused. The therapist turned to Bob and said, 'This is what your wife needs at least three times a week.. Can you do this?' Bob thought for a moment and replied, 'Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Fridays, but on Wednesday, I play golf. |
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Great Blonde Jokes! DISNEYLAND Two blondes were going to Disneyland . They were driving on the Interstate when they saw the sign that said Disneyland LEFT. They started crying and turned around and went home. FLORIDA OR MOON Two blondes living inOklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, 'Which do you think is farther away... Florida or the moon?' The other blonde turns and says 'Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida ?????' CAR TROUBLE A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. She says, 'What's the story?' He replies, 'Just crap in the carburetor' She asks, 'How often do I have to do that?' SPEEDING TICKET A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, 'I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!' RIVER WALK There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank 'Yoo-hoo!' she shouts, 'How can I get to the other side?' The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, 'You ARE on the other side.' AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it. 'Impossible!' says the doctor.. 'Show me.' The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream. The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you? 'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.' 'I thought so,' the doctor said, 'Your finger is broken.' KNITTING A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, 'PULL OVER!' 'NO!' the blonde yelled back, 'IT'S A SCARF!' BLONDE ON THE SUN A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, 'We were the first in space!' The American said, 'We were the first on the moon!' The Blonde said, 'So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!' The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. 'You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!' said the Russian. To which the Blonde replied, 'We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!' IN A VACUUM A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night... It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, 'If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?' She thought for a time and then asked, 'Is it on or off?' FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES! A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, 'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?' 'HELLLOOOOOOO......,' answered the blonde. 'They're watch dogs'! |
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A story about old people
A couple, both widowed, had been dating for a while. Urged on by friends they decided it was time to marry. Before the wedding, they went to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on. Finally, the man decided it was time to broach their physical relationship. 'How do you feel about sex?' he asked tentatively. 'I would like it infrequently' she replied. The man sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, leaned over and whispered, 'Is that one word or two?' |
HOW TO TELL THE SEX OF A BIRD |
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Leave it to a little kid to put a smile on your face!!!!
This is truly first grade logic, I love it! Undies Little Susie goes home from school and tells her mom that the boys keep asking her to do cartwheels because she's very good at doing them. Mom said : "YOU should say NO - they only want to look at your undies". Susie said: " I know they do ... that's why I hide them in my backpack"!! |
Here get your day started off the right way!
www.Cartoline.net (Click on this link & put your quarter in) |
Sometimes You Get What You Ask For!
A husband and wife were sitting watching TV when he turned to his wife and said, 'Honey, tell me something that will make me happy and sad all at the same time.' She replied, 'You have the biggest dick of all your friends.' |
This 80 year old woman was arrested for shop lifting.
When she went before the judge in Cincinnati he asked her, 'What did you steal?' She replied, 'A can of peaches.' The judge then asked her why she had stolen the can of peaches and she replied that she was hungry. The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied, '6.' The judge said, 'Then I will give you 6 days in jail.' Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment, the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something.. The judge said, 'What is it?' The husband said, 'She also stole a can of peas.' |
MAD COW DISEASE!
A female TV reporter arranged for an interview witha farmer, seeking the main cause of Mad Cow disease.Lady Reporter: "Good evening, sir. I am here to collect information on the possible source of Mad Cow Disease. Can you offer any reason for this disease?"The Farmer stared at the reporter and said: "Do you know that a bull screws a cow only once a year?"The lady reporter (obviously embarrassed) reports "that's a new piece of information, but what's the relation between this phenomenon and Mad Cow disease? "The Farmer: "And, madam, do you know that we milk a cow twice a day?"The reporter: "Sir, this is really valuable information,but what about getting to the point? "The Farmer: "I am getting to the point, madam. Just imagine, if I was playing with your breasts twice a day and only screwing you once a year, wouldn't you get MAD?" |
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And the future of Casey Anthony  |
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The Blonde Phone Call !
"Hi Mom, How are you?" "Hi Sally, where are you? I thought you were with your father at the Ace Hardware" "Yeah we were, but I got arrested, and they've let me make one phone call" "What happened?" "Oh, I punched this African-American woman in the head." "What on earth, why did you do that?" "Well it wasn't my fault. Dad told me to find a Black & Decker." |
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 A: Both get licked, then stuck, and finally sent on their way. Q: Why do saunas remind some people of blondes? A: Cuz both are steamy and wet on entry, and hey, they don't mind if you bring friends. Q: What's the difference between a Mosquito and a blonde? A: On slapping a Mosquito, it will stop sucking. Q: How would a blond interpret 6.9? A: A 69 interrupted by a period. Q: What's a blondes favorite Nursery Rhyme? A: HumpMe DumpMe. Q: Why is a blonde like a door knob? A: Cuz everyone gets a turn. Q: How can you tell who is a blonde's boyfriend? A: He's the one with the belt buckle the matches the impression in her forehead. Q: What does the Bermuda Triangle and blondes have in common? A: They've both swallowed a lot of seamen. Q: Why don't blondes talk when having sex? A: Their Mommies told em never to speak to strangers. Q: What do a 250cc Scooter and a blonde have in common? A: They're both fun to ride until a friend sees you on one. Q: Why did the blonde tattoo her zip code on her stomach? A: So her male would get delivered to the right box. Q: Have you heard about the blonde virgin? A: She hangs out with the Easter Bunny and Santa Claus Q: What's the difference between a blonde and your job? A: Your job still sucks after 6 months. |
A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he observed.
To the first mother, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating.. You've even named your daughter Candy." He turned to the second Mom, Ann: "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny." He turned to the third Mom, Joyce: "Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy." At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand, and whispered, "Come on, Dick, this guy has no idea what he's talking about. Let's pick up Peter and Willy from school and go get dinner. |
$7.00 Sex |
I'm sure that you have seen pharmaceutical advertising in doctor's offices on everything from tissues to note pads This one should get First prize....
 I e-mailed it to my Chinese doctor friend; he e-mailed back: "If light stay on more than 4 hour, call erectrician. |
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Best Divorce Letter Ever! |
Wisdom!
A guy is 72years old and loves to fish. He was sitting in his boat the other day when he a heard a voice say pick me up. He looked around and couldn' see anyone. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again,'Pick me up.' He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog. The man said, 'Are you talking to me?' The frog said, 'Yes, I'm talking to you.' Pick me up then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because I will be your bride!' The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front pocket. The frog said, 'What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride.' He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog. |
Cooter and Gomer |
Welfare Check
A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check. He marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know...., I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job." The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a Chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2011 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes. "Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say but you will also have as part of your job assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive." The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bullshittin' me!" The social worker said, "Yeah, well ... you started it." |
Chinese Proverb
Confucius say, "If you are in a book store and cannot find the book for which you search, you are obviously in the.....  |
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A woman was in a coma.
She had been in it for months. Nurses were in her room giving her a bed bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor whenever she touched her there. They tried it again and sure enough, there was definite movement. They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, 'As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick & bring her out of the coma.' The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they would close the curtains for privacy. The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room. After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate. The nurses run back into the room. 'What happened!?' they cried. The husband said, 'I'm not sure. Maybe she choked.' |
we interrupt Chuckfest for a joke
The awesome power of a wife's love A very old man lay dying in his bed. In death's doorway, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookie wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands. With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven. There, spread out on newspapers on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man? Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table. The aged and withered hand, shaking, made its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when he was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife. "Stay out of those," she said. "They're for the funeral." |
Do you mind?
We're on the SOA fest now,by the way. |
A hooded robber burst into a bank and forced the tellers to load a sack full of cash.
On his way out the door, a brave customer grabbed the hood and pulled it off, revealing the robbers face. The robber shot the customer without a moment’s hesitation. He then looked around the bank and noticed one of the tellers looking straight at him. The robber instantly shot him also. Everyone in the bank, by now very scared, looked intently down at the floor in silence. The robber yelled, " Well, did anyone else see my face?" There are a few moments of utter silence in which everyone was plainly too afraid to speak Then, one old farmer named Bill tentatively raised his hand and said, "I think my wife got a pretty good look at you..." |
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