A six year old goes to the hospital with her grandmother to visit her Grandpa.

When they get to the hospital, she runs ahead of her Grandma and bursts into her Grandpa's room.
"Grandpa, Grandpa," she says excitedly, "As soon as Grandma comes into the room, make a noise like a frog!"

"What?" said her Grandpa.
"Make a noise like a frog - because Grandma said that as soon as you croak, we're all going to Disneyland !”

I am surprised no one had a heart attack

I would think they would get a free coffin if they did.

WHY SENTENCE STRUCTURE IS SO IMPORTANT

The boss had to fire somebody, and he narrowed it down to one of two people - Debra or Jack. It was an impossible decision because he liked the both of them. Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning.

Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after having partied all night. She went straight to the cooler to take an aspirin. The boss approached and said, "Debra I've never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off."

Debra replied, "Couple you please jack off, I feel like ****."

Anyone hear any good jokes lately?

A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday.

She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.

On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper.

Before leaving, she says to the clerk, “I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”

"About 32," is the reply.

"Nope! I'm exactly 50," the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question.

The girl replies, “I'd guess about 29.”

The woman replies with a big smile, “Nope, I'm 50.”

Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street.

She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.

The clerk responds, “Oh, I'd say 30.”

Again she proudly responds, “I'm 50, but thank you!”

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.

He replies, “Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was.

It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra.

Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are.”

They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her.



She finally blurts out, “What the hell, go ahead.”

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully.

He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple.

He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.

After a couple of minutes of this, she says, “Okay, okay....How old am I?”

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, “Madam, you are 50.”

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, “That was incredible, how could you tell?”

The old man says, “Promise you won't get mad?”

"I promise I won't," she says.



"I was behind you at McDonalds."

:tro::tro:

stop me if you heard this one
 

What does a girl from Kentucky say after she loses her virginity?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
get off me dad - you're crushin' my smokes







:L:

What’s Up, Doc
 

anagrams


Presbyterian = Best In Prayer


Astronomer = Moon Starer


Desperation = A Rope Ends It


The Eyes = They See


George Bush = He Bugs Gore


The Morse Code = Here Come Dots


Dormitory = Room


Slot Machines = Cash Lost In Me


Animosity = Is No Amity


Election Results = Lies - Let's Recount


Snooze Alarms = Alas! No More Z 's


A Decimal Point = I'm A Dot In Place


The Earthquakes = That Queer Shake


Eleven Plus Two = Twelve Plus One


Mother-in-law = Woman Hitler

Beavers
 

Alabama

A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck.

"Where's Henry?" the others asked.

"Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail," the successful hunter replied.

"You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?" they inquired.

"A tough call," nodded the hunter. "But I figured no one is going to steal Henry!"

Georgia

The owner of a golf course in Georgia was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.

He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from the University of Georgia and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"

The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everything but my earrings."

Louisiana

A senior citizen in Louisiana was overheard saying ... "When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana ."

When asked why, he replied, "I'd rather be in Louisiana because everything happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the civilized world."

Mississippi

The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!"

Bubba replied, "Did you see who it was?"

The young man answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the license number."

North Carolina

A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait.

A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.

The man replied, "I have a flat tire."

The passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?"

The man responded, "When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. I never did understand it neither."

Tennessee

A Tennessee State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-65. The trooper asked, "Got any ID?"

The driver replied, "Bout whut?"

Texas

The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up into the ditch.

The Sheriff asked, "Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don't you see that sign right over your head."

"Yep", he replied. "That's why I'm dumpin' it here, cause it says:

'Fine For Dumping Garbage'."

I just watched Drugs' movie again!

Like seinfeld you find something new everytime but unless you've seen the first couple seasons it doesn't make sense. Masterpiece!


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1zwL9KllwSw

A man was having problems with premature ejaculation so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what he could do to cure his problem. In response, the doctor said, "When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate, try startling yourself."That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try this suggestion, he ran home to his wife. At home, he found his wife was in bed, naked and waiting. As the two began, they found themselves in the celebrated 69 position. The man, moments later, felt the sudden urge to ejaculate and fired the starter pistol.


The next day, the man went back to the doctor. The doctor asked, "How did it go?"
The man answered, "Not that well. When I fired the pistol, my wife s.hit on my face, bit 3 inches off my dick, and my neighbour came out of the closet with his hands in the air."

On their 50th anniversary, a wife found the negligee she wore on her wedding night and put it on. She went to her husband, a retired Marine , and asked, Honey, do you remember this?"

He looked up from his newspaper and said; "Yes dear, I do. You wore that same negligee the night we were married"

She said, "Yes, that's right. Do you remember what you said to me that night?

He nodded and said "Yes dear, I said: Oh baby, I'm going to suck the life out of those boobs and screw your brains out."

She giggled and said, "That's exactly what you said. So now it's fifty years later, and I'm in the same negligee. What do you have to say tonight ?"
He looked her up and down and said, " Mission Accomplished."

:D:tro::D

Never assume someone understands
 

A woman was in a coma.

She had been in the coma for months.

Nurses were in her room giving her a bed bath.

One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor whenever the nurse touched her there.

They tried it again and sure enough, there was definite movement.

They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him,

As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little 'oral sex' will do the trick bring her out of the coma.


The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they would close the curtains for privacy.

The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room.

After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate.

The nurses run back into the room. What happened!? they cried.


The husband said, I'm not sure; she must have choked.

A rough-and-ready testosterone-fueled biker’s group pulled
over when they spotted a shapely young chick poised
prettily on a bridge – about to leap into the raging waters
below! The leader of the pack yelled up to her and
asked “What are you doing, honey?”
“I’m gonna kill myself,” answered the distraught
hottie, her short skirt whipping in the wind, exposing
a beautiful pair of stems. Thinking fast, the brawny
brute responded, “Well, cutie, before you do
anything rash, why don’t ya come down here and I’ll
give you a big goodbye kiss.”
After a frightful pause, she finally acquiesced and hopped
down and gave him a big, sloppy, lingering smooch to
everyone’s great relief.
“Wow!” the bike hog sighed. “That was the best damn
kiss I’ve ever had! You’re a beautiful, young, sexy and
passionate person. Why the Hell do you want to end your
life?”
The girl sighs, wipes the tears from her big, blue eyes
and says, “My folks hate it when I dress up like a girl.”

Skinny Dipping

An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years.
He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some orange, and lime trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'

The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.. '

Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator.'

Some old men can still think fast.

[/url]

A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand. He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript.

So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up. In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.

The head monk says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son." So, he goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years.

Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot. So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing, "We missed the "R", we missed the "R". His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably.

The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?" With a choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word was CELEBRATE!"

A guy registers at Derby Trail with the intent of sharing his thoughts. His thoughts are deleted. There is no room for off-topic thoughts. You will obey.

A guy goes into the post office to apply for a job.

The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"

He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."

"Ok, Have you ever been in the military service?"

"Yes," he says, "I was in Iraq for one tour."

The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment." Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"

The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles."

The interviewer grimaces and then says, "Okay. You've got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 pm. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and plan on starting at 10:00 am every day."

The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 PM, why don't you want me here until 10:00 am?"



"This is a government job", the interviewer says. "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls.. No point in you coming in for that."

Has anyone ordered the Bin Laden Cocktail ?

Its Two Shots & a splash of water !!! :D

I sat on the train this morning opposite a stunning Thai girl.I kept thinking to myself, please don't get an erection, please don't get an erection...








but she did.

The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, an Anchorage man answered his door to find two grim-faced Alaska State Troopers.
"We're sorry Mr. Wilkins, but we have some information about your wife," said one trooper.
"Tell me, please! Did you find her?" Wilkens shouted.
The troopers looked at each other. One said, "We have some bad news, some good news and some really great nerws. Which do you want to hear first?"
Fearing the worse, the ashen Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news first."
The trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in Kachemak Bay."
"Oh my God!" exclaimed Wilkens. Swallowing hard, he asked, "Well, what's the good news?"
The trooper continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 12 twenty-five pound king crabs and 6 good size Dungeness crabs clinging to her and we feel that you are entitled to a share in the catch."
Stunned, Mr. Wilkens demanded,"If that's the good news, what's the great news?"
The trooper said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow."

Steven H. Crist already.



Hasn't anyone heard any good jokes latley!!??

Facts about The killing of Osama Bin Laden:

1) Fugitive for 19 years. Hunted by Saudi Arabia ,Interpol , Scotland Yard, Mossad, and the CIA.

2) CIA was looking for him for last 14 years. Found him twice and lost him twice. Cost $1.8 Billion

3) CIA had 4 directors over this time period,1997- 2011. All failed to capture Bin Laden.

4) Obama appoints Leon Panetta son of Italian immigrants as new CIA director April 28th, 2011

5) Mr. Panetta calls in a few favors from friends in New York , New Jersey and Chicago on April 29th 2011.

6) They plan a raid over some espresso and cannolis April 30th, 2011. Decide to dress as Navy Seals.

7) Bin Laden is killed (not captured or held for trial) and the body is dumped at sea May 1, 2011. (also known as “swimming with the fishes” in Italian folklore)

8) Job done in less than 100 hours: Reward $25,000,000

9) Estimated savings of not having a trial $200,000,000.

10) Shop Italian

Taking care of business since 1603!!

you should write jokes professionally. you're that good.

i may need something like this for my upcoming tour of convalescent homes in italian neighborhoods. what do you charge for a zinger like this?

A while back, when I was considerably younger, I picked up a lovely date at her parents' home.


I'd scraped together some money to take her to a fancy restaurant.


She ordered the most expensive items on the menu. Shrimp cocktail. Lobster Patron. Champagne.


I asked her, "Does your mother feed you like that when you eat at home?"


"No," she replied. "but my mother's not expecting a blow job tonight."


I said "Would you care for dessert?"

A big city lawyer went duck hunting. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's
field on the other side of a fence.
As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked the
lawyer what he was doing.
The lawyer responded, "I shot a duck and it fell into this field, and now I'm going to retrieve
it."
The old farmer replied. "This is my property, and your not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer replied. "I'm one of the best trial lawyers around, and if you don't let me
get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything that you own.
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in these parts.
We settle small disagreements like this, with the Three Kick Rule."
The lawyer asked, "What is the Three Kick Rule?"
The farmer replied, "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so
on, back and forth until someone gives up."
The lawyer quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take
the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly gets down from the tractor and walked up to the city fella. His first kick
planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin, which dropped him to his knees.
His second kick nearly ripped the nose off his face.
The lawyer was flat on his belly, when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly causing him to
give up, but didn't.
The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay,
now it's my turn."
The old farmer smiled and said,
"Naw, I give up, You can keep the duck!"

Finally!!



A good joke!

Two Headed Deer
 

No joke, but came across this from a newspaper in San Leon, Texas.



http://seabreezenews.com/back%20issu...1/Page_01c.pdf