From Rick Reilly: some new drinks named for athletes:

A Tiger Woods ... Pineapple juice and vodka ... Drink one and you'll want 13 more.

A Jack Nicklaus ... Kind of like an Arnold Palmer, only a little better.

A Brett Favre ... By the time it comes, you've changed your mind.

A Chris Bosh ... Chaser only.

A Greg Oden ... You can order it but it never shows up.

A Rex Ryan ... Tastes like a Tootsie Roll.

A Mark McGwire ... Comes with a shot.

A Cam Newton ... Your dad orders it for you.

A Dennis Green ... It is what you think it is.

A Tom Brady ... Really good by the sixth round.

A Michael Vick ... A little hair of the dog that should've bitten you.

A LeBron ... Served with a mirrored glass so you can watch yourself drink it.

A Terrelle Pryor ... It's free!

A Lance ... Only one ice cube.

A John McEnroe ... After one, you cannot be serious.

A Karch Kiraly ... Comes spiked.

A Tim Tebow ... Served very straight.

A Michael Phelps ... Water with a water chaser.

A Reggie Bush ... You drink it for a little while, then they take it back.

A Nick Saban ... Comes with extra bitters.

Anna Kournikova ... A white Russian, hot.

A Quentin Richardson ... Hold the Brandy.

A Chris Evert ... You drink it with both hands.

A Barry Bonds ... Careful: it goes straight to your head.

Prostate check-up...
 

An old guy goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent to the Urologist as a precaution. When he gets there, he discovers the Urologist is a very pretty female doctor. The female doctor says, "I'm going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to. I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say, '99'.

The old guy obeys and says,"99". The doctor says, "Great". Now turn over on your left side and again, while I repeat the check, take a deep breath and say, '99". Again, the old guy says, '99'."

The doctor said, “Very good”. Now then, I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly. I'm going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand I'm going to hold on to your penis to keep it out of the way. Now take a deep breath and say, '99'.

The old guy begins, "One ... Two ... Three" ...

A man asked an American Indian what was his wife's name.





He replied, "She called Five Horses".








The man said, "That's an unusual name for your wife.

What does it mean?"





The Old Indian answered,
"It's old Indian Name. It mean...
















NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG

:)

Those of us who fall into the world of hi-tech should
take note of the importance of correct grammar.

I have noticed that many who text messages & emails have
forgotten the "art" of capitalization.

Capitalization is the difference between helping your
Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your uncle jack off a
horse.


:D

A man feared his wife wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid.

Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family doctor to discuss the problem.

The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.

Here's what you do," said the Doctor, "stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you.

If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens."

Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?"

No response..

So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

Still no response.

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

Again he gets no response.

So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away.. "Honey, what's for dinner?"

Again there is no response.

So he walks right up behind her... "Honey, what's for dinner?"



(I just love this)

V
V
V
V
V
V
V
V
V
V
V
V
V
V
V




"Ralph, for THE FIFTH time, CHICKEN!"

FYI…


Women often receive warnings about protecting themselves at the mall and in dark parking lots, etc. This is the first warning I have seen for men.
I wanted to pass it on in case you haven't heard about it.

A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular customers at Lowe's, Home Depot, Costco, or even Wal-Mart. This one caught me totally by surprise.

Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.

Here's how the scam works:

Two nice-looking, college-aged girls will come over to your car or truck as you are packing your purchases into your vehicle. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. (It's impossible not to look).
When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' but instead ask for a ride to McDonald's.

You agree and they climb into the vehicle. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen May 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th, & 29th. Also June 1st & 4th, twice on the 8th, 11th, 13th, 18th & 19th, and very likely again this upcoming weekend.

So tell your friends to be careful. What a horrible way to take advantage of us older men. Warn your friends to be vigilant.

Wal-Mart has wallets on sale for $2.99 each. I found even cheaper ones for $.99 at the dollar store and bought them out in three of their stores.

Also, you never get to eat at McDonald's. I've already lost 11 pounds just running back and forth from Lowe's, to Home Depot, to Costco, Etc.

So please, send this on to all the older men that you know and warn them to be on the lookout for this scam. (The best times are just before lunch and around 4:30 in the afternoon.)

i'd have a very hard time telling this joke here.

Politically incorrect
 

Man naked, looks in the mirror and says to his wife "why do I always get a hard on when I look at myself?"
Wife says "Coz your cock thinks you’re a C**T too"


Why is there only one pall bearer at an aboriginal funeral?
Because there’s only one handle on a wheelie bin!


Talk about F***ing Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. I recently came back from a tour of duty in Afghanistan .
Having not seen my wife for months I was looking forward to a night of hot passionate sex.
Unfortunately she came out of the shower with a towel around her head so I shot her!


Two blokes talking. Do you look at your wife's face when you make love?
I did once and saw the anger in her face.
Why anger?
Because she was watching from the F***ing window.


Scientists found that many women develop " Hoover 's Disease" after a year of marriage.
They make a continuous F***ing whining noise and don't suck anymore.


Just watched "antiques road show".
This old lady placed a used tampon on the table and said "There you go you clever C**T, tell me what period that’s from"


Two Abos are in a bar talking. One says to the other "you ever notice after having sex with a white woman that your eyes burn, your nose runs and you get teary-eyed"?
The other Abos answered "yeah all the time"
The 1st Abos asks "why's that?"
The other replies "I reckon it's the capsicum spray"

A young man moved into a new apartment of his own and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox. While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe.

The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment.............I hear someone coming."

He followed her into her apartment. She closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred to him, "What would you say is my best feature?"

Flustered and embarassed, he finally sweaked, "It's got to be your ears."

Astounded and a little hurt she asked, "MY ears? Look at these breasts. They are full and 100% natural. I work out every day and my butt is firm and solid. Look at my skin-no blemishes anywhere. How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?"

Clearing his throat, he stammered..............."Outside, when you said you heard someone coming..........that was me."

classic
 

A WOMAN'S POEM:

Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's rich and self-employed,
And when I spend, won't be annoyed.
Pull out my chair and hold my hand.
Massage my feet and help me stand.
Oh send a king to make me queen
A man who loves to cook and clean.
I pray this man will love no other.
And relish visits with my mother.

A MAN'S POEM:

I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac with
big tits who owns a bar on a golf course,
and loves to send me fishing and drinking. This
doesn't rhyme and I don't give a ****.

Two men walk into their local unemployment office after both being laid-off. The first man approaches the counter and is greeted by a friendly staff member.

"I'd like to collect unemployment payments please" he says."Not a problem sir," the teller asks "What was your last profession?""I made panty hose" he responds."Ok, the staffer says, "your check will be $300. Next!"The first man steps away from the counter eyeing his check. His friend steps up, "I'd like to collect unemployment payments please""Alright sir," the teller asks " and what was your last profession?""Diesel Fitter" he remarks."Right, that's a specialty occupation, your check will be $800"The first man overhears this and jumps in, "Hey! How come I get 300 stinkin' bucks and he gets 800"The teller say professionally "Sir, this man had a special skill""Special Skill my ass! I sew the two halves of the panty hose together and give them to him."The staffer looks betrayed and asks the second man, "Sir you said you were a Diesel Fitter.""I am!" he says, "He gives me the panty hose, I put em on me head and say "Deez'll Fit 'er!"

A man walking down the street saw a strange funeral procession.
it was 2 hearses (one behind the other) driving very slowly.

Behind the hearse a man dressed in black was walking a large dog at the head of a very large procession(all men) in a single line following the man with the dog.
The man walking by asked the man with the dog "who died ?" Man with dog said "my wife...she was yelling at me and the dog thought she was attacking me...and well...a terrible tragedy."

Meanwhile...all the men in the single file procession are silent and respectful.

Man on street says "who is in the second hearse?"

Man with dog says " another terrible tragedy. My mother in law saw the whole episode and began screaming at me. The dog thought the old hag was attacking me... and well...she's in the second hearse."

LONG PAUSE AS THE HEARSE STARTS TO MOVE SLOWLY AGAIN.

Man in the street says "You have my condolences....Ah..Can I borrow that Dog ? Man with the dog points over his shoulder at the procession and says ...." Back of the line !"

I'm sharing this one

At Penn State University, there were four sophomores taking chemistry, and all of them had an 'A' so far.

These four friends were so confident that the weekend before finals, they decided to visit some friends and have a big party.

They had a great time but, after all the hearty partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Penn State until early Monday morning.

Rather than taking the final then, they decided that after the final they would explain to their professor why they missed it. They said that they visited friends, but on the way back, they had a flat tire. As a result, they missed the final.

The professor agreed they could make up the final the next day.... The guys were excited and relieved... They studied that night for the exam.

The next day the Professor placed them in separate rooms and gave them a test booklet. They quickly answered the first problem worth 5 points. Cool, they thought! Each one in separate rooms, thinking this was going to be easy....then they turned the page. On the second page was written...

For 95 points:






Which tire? _________.

POOR FARMER
A farmer was selling his peaches door to door. He knocked on a door and a shapely 30-something woman dressed in a very sheer negligee answered the door. He raised his basket to show her the peaches and asked, "Would you like to buy some peaches?"

She pulled the top of the negligee to one side and asked, "Are they as firm as this?"

He nodded his head and said, "Yes ma'am," and a little tear ran from his eye.

Then she pulled the other side of her negligee off asking, "Are they nice and pink like this?"

The farmer said, "Yes," and another tear came from the other eye.

Then she unbuttoned the bottom of her negligee and asked, "Are they as fuzzy as this?"

He again said, "Yes," and broke down crying.

She asked, "Why on earth are you crying?"

Drying his eyes he replied, "The drought got my corn, the flood got my soy beans, a tornado leveled my barn, and now I think I'm gonna .. Get screwed out of my peaches.

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. He instinctively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

"Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.

"Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and He shares his. She listens.

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible!

"You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"

"No," she replies. . ..








"You just happened to catch my eye."

ouch

An Iowa senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he pushed it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left. "Amazing...," he thought as he flew down I-35, pushing the pedal even more.
Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw an Iowa State Trooper, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I ' m too old for this!" and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.
Pulling in behind him, the trooper got out of his vehicle and walked up to the Corvette. He looked at his watch, and then said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a new reason for speeding -- a reason I've never before heard -- I'll
let you go."
The old gentleman paused, and then said: "Three years ago, my wife ran off with an Iowa State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."
"Have a good day, sir," replied the trooper.

I like that...so what are the odds that they all guess the same tire?

HOSPITAL CHART BLOOPERS

Actual writings from hospital charts:

1. The patient refused autopsy.

2. The patient has no previous history of suicides.

3. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.

4. She has no rigours or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

6. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.

7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

9. Discharge status: Alive but without permission.

10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert but forgetful

11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

12. She is numb from her toes down.

13. While in ER , she was examined, x-rated and sent home.

14. The skin was moist and dry.

15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.

16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.

18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.

19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

21. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

22. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

23. Skin: somewhat pale but present.

24. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

25. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at Park Lane pharmacy.

There was this beautiful woman assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, 'No, this is my first time.'

So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure.

I apparently still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store to see if it was empty. It was empty.

'Just a minute,' she said, and walked to the door, and locked it..

Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside.

'Do these excite you?' She asked.

Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was nod my head.

She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk. 'Well, come on', she said, 'We don't have much time..'

So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOW, I was done within a few moments.

She looked at me with a bit of a frown. 'Did you put that condom on?' she asked.

I said, 'I sure did,' and held up my thumb to show her.

She then beat the s.hit out of me.......

an elderly gentleman was led into his doctors office by a beautiful and sexy nurse. he sat down with the dr. who told him he had good news and bad news. the old gentleman said ok give me the bad news first. the dr. said I am sorry to tell you that you only have 6 months to live. the old man said oh my, what could possibly be the good news? The dr. replied, did you see that sexy nurse that walked you in today? I fu--ed her last night!

every time little Timmy was given a letter to start a word with in kindergarten he would always unfortunatley give a curse word, if he was given "a" he would say,ass, if he was given B, he would say bitch, given c he would say crap. The teacher then figured she would time little Timmys turn to give a word with a letter that could not possibly start a bad word. so the next day she decided to give Timmy the letter R, no bad word she could think of started with that. she got to timmys turn and gave him the letter R, and Timmy replied after a moment of pondering, Rat---A Big Fu--ing Rat

a dyslexic guy walks into a bra

Cletus is passing by Billy Bob's hay barn one day when, through
a gap in the door, he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual
striptease in front of an old green John Deere.

Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette, and gently slides off first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left. He then
hunched his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move,
lets his overalls fall down to his hips, revealing a torn and frayed
plaid shirt. Then grabbing both sides of his shirt, he rips it apart
to reveal his stained T-shirt underneath. With a final flourish, he
tears the T-shirt from his body, and hurls his baseball cap onto a
pile of hay.

Having seen enough, Cletus rushes in and says, "What the heck're
ya doin’ Billy Bob?"

"Good Lord, Cletus, ya scared the bejeezers out of me," says an obviously embarrassed Billy Bob.

"But me 'n the Ol' Lady been havin trouble lately in the bedroom dee-partment, and the therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor."

:D

groan

nothing good
but there is snow

PUNS FOR EDUCATED MINDS

1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: "You stay here; I'll go on a head."

13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: "Keep off the Grass."

15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

17. A backward poet writes inverse.

18. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine .

21. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says, "Dam!"

23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One said, "I've lost my electron." The other said "Are you sure?" The first replied, "Yes, I'm positive."

25. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

in Illinois it's not who votes that counts
it's who counts the votes

Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck until one day, he comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it.

The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition.

He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.

'Well, it's quite simple, really,' says the seller, 'whenever the bike is outside and it's gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain.'

And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.

That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there. But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, 'I have to tell you something about my family before we go in.'

'When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes.' 'No problem,' he says. And in they go.
Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes.

They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word. As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation.
So he leans over and kisses Sandra. No one says a word. So he reaches over and fondles her breasts. Still, nobody says a word. So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and screws her right there, in front of her parents.

His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.

He looks at her mom.. 'She's got a great body,' he thinks. So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, pulls down her panties, and screws her every which way right there on the dinner table.
After she has a big orgasm, he sits down
again. Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, the Mom is pleasantly beaming. But still, Total silence.
All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket...
Suddenly the father shouted....

'I'll do the ****ing dishes!!!

Jane Velez Mitchell really cares about people, and isn't just another angry dry drunk.