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That "sentence" has gotten me in to trouble more than once. Good to see that others are reading the "jokes"..over 1800 looks. Ya know, I do this cause it's something I think all folks like...to laugh. Same reason I post a recipe in the cook book...we all like to eat too. Celeb matches...are we all a bit curious too? I do, and I am. |
The pig with a wooden leg
A rabbi is driving down a country road one day and sees a pig in an open field with a wooden leg. Taken aback by his curiosity, he pulls into the driveway of a farm just up the road and rings the doorbell. A farmer answers the door and greets the rabbi. "Hello there, Mr. Bearded Man.May I help you?" asks the farmer. "Yes you may", says the rabbi. "I couldn't help but notice that you have a pig with a wooden leg out in your field. What's up with that?" "Listen", says the farmer. "That is one great pig. One day I was plowing my field and my tractor turned over right on top of me. That pig came over and pulled me out from underneath the mess and saved my life." "That's great" said the rabbi, "but what's with the wooden leg?" "Listen" says the farmer, "one night a fire started in our kitchen while my family was sleeping. That pig came over to the house, knocked on the window with his nose, woke us up, and saved my whole family. That is one great pig." "Yes" said the rabbi, now growing a bit frustrated. "I see this is one great pig. But again, what's with the wooden leg?" "Oh" says the farmer. "The wooden leg?..... well....a great pig like that.....you can't eat him all at once." |
Well, Kenny the rooster costs a lot of money, but the
farmer decides he'd be worth it. So, he buys Kenny. The farmer takes Kenny home and sets him down in the barnyard, first giving the rooster a pep talk. I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money. Consequently, I'll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some fun," the farmer said, with a chuckle. Kenny seemed to understand, so the farmer pointed toward the hen house and Kenny took off like a shot. WHAM! Kenny nails every hen in the hen house, the farmer is completely shocked! After that, the farmer hears a commotion in the duck pen, sure enough, Kenny is in there. Later, the farmer sees Kenny after a flock of geese, down by the lake. Once again - WHAM! He gets all the geese. By sunset he sees Kenny out in the fields chasing quail and pheasants. The farmer is distraught and worried that his expensive rooster won't even last 24 hours. Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next day, to find Kenny on his back, stone cold in the middle of the yard with vultures circling overhead. The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful and expensive animal, shakes his head and says, "Oh, Kenny, I told you to pace yourself and I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself." Kenny opens one eye, nods toward the vultures circling in the sky and says, "Shhh, they're getting closer". |
Two quick and easy to remember jokes:
How do stop a dog from humping your leg? Pick him up and blow him! When is it ok to spit in an Italian womans face? When her mustache is on fire! |
An 80 year old man went for his annual check-up and the Doctor said "Friend, for your age, you're in the best shape I've seen." The old fella replied, "Yep. It comes from clean living. I know for sure that I live a good, clean, spiritual life." The Doctor ask him, "What makes you say that?" The old man replied, "If I didn't live a good, clean life, the Lord wouldn't turn the bathroom lights on for me everytime I get up in the middle of the night." The Doc was concerned, "You mean, when you get up in the night to go to the bathroom, the Lord himself turns the light on for you?" "Yep," the old man said, "whenever I get up to go to the bathroom, the Lord turns the light on for me." Well, the Doctor didn't say anything else, but when the old man's wife came in for her check-up, he felt he had to let her know what her husband said. "Your husband's in fine physical shape, but I'm worried about his mental condition. He told me that every night when he gets up to go to the bathroom, the Lord turns the light on for him. " "He What?" She cried. "He said that every night when he gets up to go to the bathroom, the Lord turns the light on for him." "AHA!!" She exclaimed.......... "So he's the one who's been peeing in the fridge!"
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Chinese Jews
Jewish man went to eat at a Chinese restaurant and started to wonder if there were any Chinese Jews. So, when the waiter came over to take his order, he asked, "Pardon me, but I'd like to know if there are any Chinese Jews?" The waiter said, "I no know. I go to kitchen and ask manager." After taking his order, the waiter went to the kitchen and returned in a few minutes. He explained to the man, "No. No Chinese Jews. We have orange Jews, tomato Jews, grape Jews, and pineapple Jews, but no Chinese Jews." |
I found this beautiful winter poem and thought it might
be a comfort to you. It was to me, and it's very well written. I hope you enjoy it because it's the best piece of English literature I've seen in quite a while.... Try to memorize this poem by next December..... " WINTER " a poem by Abigail Elizabeth McIntyre ****, It's Cold! |
Fart football
The old folks no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and Says,"Seven Points." His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?" The old man replied, "It's fart football." A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says" Touchdown, tie score." After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, "Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7." Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, "Touchdown, tie score." Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, "Field goal, I lead 17 to 14." Now the pressures on the old man. He refuses to get beat by a woman, so he strains real hard. Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally poops in the bed. The wife says, "What the hell was that?" The old man says, "Half time, switch sides." |
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This one is for my Jewish friends that will celebrate Hanukkah on Friday at sundown.
Hanukkah at the Deli During the first day of Hanukkah, two elderly Jewish men were sitting in a wonderful deli frequented almost exclusively by Jews in New York City. They were talking amongst themselves in Yiddish - the colorful language of Jews who came over from Eastern Europe A Chinese waiter, only one year in New York, came up and in fluent impeccable Yiddish asked them if everything was okay and if they were enjoying the holiday. The Jewish men were dumbfounded. “Where did he ever learn such perfect Yiddish?” they both thought. After they paid the bill they asked the restaurant manager, an old friend of theirs, “Where did our waiter learn such fabulous Yiddish?” The manager looked around and leaned in so no one else will hear and said... “Shhhh. He thinks we're teaching him English.” |
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Cajun,
Women know...men don't. Here's another bit of Jewish humor... A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because he is not sure if sex is work or play. So he goes to a priest and asks for his opinion on this question. After consulting the bible, the priest says, " My son, after an exhaustive search, I am positive that sex is work and is therefore not permitted on Sundays. "The man thinks: " What does a priest know about sex?" So he goes to a minister, who after all is a married man and experienced in this matter. He queries the minister and receives the same reply. Sex is work and therefore not for the Sabbath! Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out the ultimate authority: a man of thousands of years tradition and knowledge. In other words, he goes to a rabbi. The Rabbi ponders the question, then states, "My son, sex is definitely play." The man replies, "Rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others tell me sex is work?" The Rabbi softly speaks, "If sex were work, my wife would have the maid do it." |
Chili
A guy walks into a diner and asks for a bowl of chili. The waitress says, "The guy next to you got the last bowl." So, he gets a cup of coffee instead. Then he sees that the guy next to him has finished his meal, but the chili bowl is still full. He asks, "Are you going to eat that?" The other guy says, "No. You can have it." The guy takes it and starts to eat it. When he gets about half way down, he sees a dead mouse in it, and he pukes the chili back into the bowl. The other guy says, "That's about as far as I got, too." |
The lqast one was a bit gross. This one is "cute".
Math A little boy was doing his math homework: He said to himself, "Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine...." His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?" The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom." "And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked. "Yes," he answered. Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in math?" The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition." The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?" After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four." |
While looking for a recipe to put in the Derby Trail cookbook, I came across these. I honestly have no clue....
Foreign Menus The following are items found overseas in which people have made inappropriate use of English words for various products, and bizarre menu items in restaurants: Menu Items: Beef rashers beaten up in the country peoples fashion - Poland Boiled Frogfish - Europe Buttered saucepans and fried hormones - Japan **** in wine/Lioness cutlet - Cairo Cold shredded children and sea blubber in spicy sauce - China Dreaded veal cutlet with potatoes in cream - China French Creeps - L.A. French fried ships - Cairo Fried fishermen - Japan Fried friendship - Nepal Garlic Coffee - Europe Goose Barnacles - Spain Indonesian Nazi Goreng - Hong Kong Muscles Of Marines/Lobster Thermos - Cairo Pork with fresh garbage - Vietnam Prawn **** and tail - Cairo Rainbow Trout, Fillet Streak, Popotoes, Chocolate Mouse - Hong Kong Roasted duck let loose - Poland Sole Bonne Femme (Fish Landlady style) - Europe Strawberry crap - Japan Sweat from the trolley - Europe Teppan Yaki, Before Your Cooked Right Eyes - Japan Toes with butter and jam - Bali |
The Hannukah Sweater
A man received two sweaters for Hanukkah from his mother. The next time he visited her, he made sure to wear one of the two sweaters. As he entered her home, instead of the expected smile, she said, "What's the matter? You didn't, like the other one?" |
How a Christmas tradition began...
One particular Christmas a long time ago, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip... but there were problems everywhere. Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule. Then, Mrs. Claus told him that her Mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more. Then when he went to harness the Reindeer, he found three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress. Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground, and scattered the toys. So, frustrated, Santa went back into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had hid the liquor and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from. Just then, the doorbell rang and Santa cussed his way to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas Tree. The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas Santa. Isn't it just a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you, Isn't it just a lovely tree? Where would you like me to stick it?" Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas Tree |
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